Yes, there are 2 sides. But I think my problem is that I've been over-empathetic with the attempt to get him on the on the "medicine" train.

I was so excited to finally be moving ahead with school, then residency. Thought he would be excited too...maybe not for medicine...but for me! Shouldn't a partner be happy for the other??? But he never got there. And that's a long 10 years to get through together when one person doesn't buy in.

So, I'm out in practice. Actually LOVE it. So glad to be in medicine. I know it was worth it but wish I would have cut off my relationship 10 years ago and saved us both a lot of heartache.

My husband, who met me when I was premed and knew I would have a demanding career, still has a hard time with all that comes with my career sometimes. I think we have needs, and it sounds like both your husband and your needs are not being met. I wonder if you start to meet his true emotional needs he would be able to meet your needs as well?

I am an avid rock climber, and I started climbing after my husband and I were married. All of sudden, I didn't want to live in certain states and was spending a lot of my free time rock climbing. And because of my career choice, I don't have a lot of free time. But I feel so happy when I am climbing. It is really important to me. Does my husband feel happy about my discovery? No. I think if he had a choice, I would not have discovered climbing. But shouldn't he feel happy for me if he loved me? You see where I am going? I don't think that a spouse should necessarily feel happy automatically because the other person is happy--especially if that something is preventing him from feeling emotionally fulfilled. I think it is too easy to point fingers, call him unsupportive or sexist, but he is a human being with needs of his own.

Sorry if I am being annoying. I am a bit of a hopeless optimist when it comes to marriage. I wish you the best whether you decide to call it quits or try longer.

I am so glad that I found this website, I am at the hospital tonight, working a 12 hour trauma shift and it's 2:45AM. I also had an arguement with my husband that seems very similar to the original post. I am a second year resident and my husband is not in the medical field. We got married very young, before establishing our careers. Subsequently I ended up going to medschool, residency etc. and he works 5 days a week, tons of vacation and is home every day before 5pm. Today I am writing on this blog because I am also in despair about my marriage. I find that it is very difficult to balance marriage, career and motherhood especially with spouse who is not in the medical field. Right now we are broke since I am in residency and my husband does not make very much in his career, therefore getting a nanny or maid are out of the question. The majority of the disagreements stem around my husband having to pick up the slack when I am working 80+ hours a week. I physically and emotionally can't give my all at work then go home and cook, clean etc. My husband is not lazy, he likes to clean and is helpful but he is always throwing it in my face. Of course this upsets/angers me because I feel like I am doing more than enough to contribute to his and our childrens needs and comfortable life style. Now I find myself resenting him, especially when I wake up from waking up after sleeping during the day, (which is never good sleep) to neglected house hold chores, no dinner, on a friday night when he is starting his weekend and I am going to work. Weekend! What's that!?! I know I am ranting and it's probobly because I'm exhausted but I don't know how to be more patient and understanding when I feel like all I do is work. I feel like a terrible mother and wife. I think no one truly understands or appreciates what the physical, intellectual and emotional demands of being a physician unless you have been through it yourself. It is especially difficult if you are a woman because face it we are working in a man's field and any complaining about stress at home is considered a sign of weakness. It is especially difficult for me because I am 1 of 4 women in my entire residency program and I am the only one who has children. I moved to a new city for residency so I don't have any true friends that understand.

We understand, traumamama. Welcome!

You know, I totally understand where you are coming from. I felt like I am the one providing a comfortable life style for my family. Would it kill my husband to pick up what little slack there is? We have a maid service that comes every other week. We have landscapers so my husband doesn't have to mow the lawn. My mother in law watches my son while we work. Really, I can't imagine why it would be so difficult to keep an orderly house and eat home cooked meals once in a while.

Then one day, I decided that my marriage is more important than any of that. I decided that I will give up my notion of what a house is suppose to look like. I decided that if groceries rot and has to be thrown away, that is Ok too. If my I can't find any clothes to wear because laundry is not done or nothing is folded or put away, I will just have to dig for what to wear. What good would a clean house, perfectly folded laundry, and home cooked meals be without him? Doesn't my son deserve two loving parents who are not fighting all the time?

I know how annoying it is to have your spouse throw the chores he is doing at your face. I know exactly how that feels. But I found that instead of launching into how that is nothing compared to working all the time in a very stressful environment, if I simply stop and say thank you, things go over much better. They want to be appreciated as much as we do. Picking up slack for an over worked spouse cannot be easy.

I know. I know. Easier said than done, right? I just threw out a bunch of greens in the fridge that he has been promising to cook for weeks and couldn't help accusing him of letting it rot so doesn't have to cook it. When I have worked 12 hours without barely a break, and my husband has been home all day, and I call him to tell him I am famished (btw I am preggers), would it kill him to have food ready to eat? I have a hard time downing a muffin instead of complaining yet again. That is why a marriage is supposed to be a working progress, right?

Good luck to you. You are not alone.

You are not alone, Traumamama!

I appreciate every one's advice and support, I have learned and I agree that spouses need support and to feel appreciated for what they do at home. It's just hard sometimes. I think a lot also has to do with the dreaded mommy-guilt. I find that I sometimes resent my husband not only for all the time he has off but also because of all the time he has with my kids. I sometimes think that he doesn't realize that he has it made and I would change places with him in a heartbeat. I sometimes laugh at our arguements because he argues that it is so hard to take care of the kids every day, to get them ready for school help them with homework and make dinner. He has even gone so far to point out that I am not needed. It make me laugh in a cynical way because I tell him, there is nothing in this world that I would want more than to be at home to do those things for my kids. I hate myself sometimes for not being more available.

I totally hear you! My husband also wants me to show appreciation for all the work he does which includes spending time with my son. It is like asking a starving person to show appreciation for eating because gosh darn it, it is so much work to chew. But in the end, taking care of my son is a lot of work, and the fact that I feel starved for time with him doesn't change that. So I try to take a deep breath and say thank you with a smile.

Don't believe for a second that you are not needed! You are their mama! Nothing in the world will change that. And you are working hard to give them a better life. And set an example of good work ethic. They will be proud to have a mama who saves lives everyday.

You do need to communicate with your husband that comments like that are very hurtful and let him know you already have enough mommy guilt without him contributing to it...

Once again, good luck! You are expressing what so many of us go through everyday.

For me, mommy-guilt had to do with making a choice that was best for me but (at the time) was not best for my children. In the bigger picture, I know that it is best for them. But when a 2 year old is clinging to your leg sobbing and tells you he needs you more than the sick people need you....it is AWFUL.

Traumamama--yes, your spouse needs support but you also need to know it is totally normal to want to be with your children more than 15 minutes per day. My experience is that no one can know how big of a sacrifice a mommd makes until he/she has been there. And that not every mommd feels that it is a sacrifice.

traumamama.... I could copy your post and post it as my own I am third year EM, my husband works 8-3:30 every day. He does tons of the house/family chores, and despite the fact that I am SOOO jealous that he gets to be there every single night and all weekend long with our precious babies, he throws it in my face that I am not. Also makes jokes that make it seem like I am not needed. I know he appreciates me and thinks I am a good mom, but I know he doesn't get what a sacrifice this all is. I have TONS of mommy guilt. Lately I have been working a lot, and lots of evenings, and I feel so out of touch with my family. And so exhausted all the time. A big problem for us is him not understanding that 3 hours of sleep is just not enough for me. he expects me to be superhuman and will wake me up very often when I am sleeping during the day. It is frustrating, because he sleeps like a baby all night every night .....