I am an anesthesiologist married to a lawyer. I work full time and have started to take off about one day per week. I know that I am more financially better off than many, but ever since I realized that I want to work part time, I have been having a hard time with my husband's lack of income. He is starting up his law practice, and so far has not been able to contribute financially. He quit his job (non-profit work making very little) this May. I do think it makes sense for us in the long run, but I feel like I need to work part time now. What good would his income be once the kids are in school? Of course we never thought he would be starting his own practice. We thought he would get a job in government (he has combined JD/MPA).

I feel a lot of pressure as I am also supporting my parents. I never wanted to shoulder the financial responsibility alone, and now that I want to work part time and spend more time with my son, I feel resentful towards my husband. I feel like this is hurting our marriage, and I feel horrible that I am letting money get between us, but every fight we have always devolve into fight about money.

We have decided no more luxury like expensive vacations, expensive restaurants, shopping sprees and such. We are debating selling our house though in this market, this really doesn't make sense.

My question is, how do I get through this? I feel like the pressure is slowly suffocating me. I feel resentful towards my husband every time I miss my son. I hate my mother in law for no reason other than that she gave birth to my husband who isn't making any money and she gets to spend more time with my son than me. I feel so horrible for feeling this way, but I don't know how to feel otherwise. Should I get couples counseling? Individual counseling? But take more time I don't have with my son and spending money that could get me to stay home more often going to counseling? My husband says he will get his practice 'up and running' by Feb and will make some income by the end of 2012. But then he started to talk about taking on a class action law suit which would take much more time before seeing results but with higher potential outcome. My marriage is slowly falling apart. I am expecting our second baby in March.

Is there any way for your husband to do part-time work while getting his practice off the ground?

If you are starting to have resenting feelings, it may be a good idea to get some counseling. Perhaps individual first, and then couples once you can really define the source of your resentments and frustrations.

Ultimately, though, he's going to have to get it together in the next couple of months, because that baby is coming and you will need to be home for a while.

Do you have any siblings that can help with the financials related to your parents? Are they able to work, even part-time?

I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time. It sure seems like the season for it. We are shouldering some tough financial issues too, and it's so stressful

Ugh, what a tough situation. I agree with Meg that counseling sounds like it might be good. How does your husband feel about it? Maybe you could each see someone and do combined individual/couples counseling? Like, you could have some sessions with the counselor individually, but some together. I think it might be helpful to have a "moderator" to discuss your concerns/fears without it devolving into a fight.

I agree with Meg above to see about him trying to work part time if that would be an option. Also re: supporting your parents... I'm sure that is a difficult subject to bring up, but are there other options? Would they be understanding if you provided for them a bit less for a little while so you could focus on trying to take care of your own sanity?

What are you planning to do when the new baby comes? Do you get to take an extended maternity leave? Because that will put pressure on an already stressful situation if you're not getting paid and he makes no money, and your parents still need money... Is your husband's start up law firm actively draining your savings or just not making money?

Sorry you're in this tough situation. Hopefully something gets resolved or at least gets a bit better so you can have some relaxing time over the holidays to just enjoy your family

I am paying mortgage on my parents' house which is in my name. Because it is in my name, I don't feel right about asking my brother to help me. He is just starting his dental career and claims is not doing that great financially.

My husband has not been all that successful finding even a part time job that pays very well at all. So he doesn't think it would be worth taking time away from his practice. To be fair, he does most of the domestic chores we don't hire away.

We are kicking into frugal mode, though I am not willing to do away with housecleaning and landscaping at this moment. One of my good psychiatrist friend is looking into a good marriage counselor in our area. My husband thinks how I am feeling is just an aftermath of a very bad family reunion and my very pregnant state. It does seem like when anything in our life gets tough, the financial resentment surfaces. Hopefully by being frugal, we will manage with me taking more time off. And counseling will help us deal with this on going problem. And may be once the new one comes and I stop being so miserable (I don't do pregnancy very gracefully), things will improve? Thanks for letting me vent. Kind of like therapy for me ...

I think you should ask your brother and other siblings and explain that you need and expect their help for YOUR parents.



To be fair, you're taking on a significant majority of the financial responsibilities, while the people you support reap all the benefits. THAT is unfair and with cleaning and laundry being outsourced, how much is he really doing around the house?

There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with communicating the expexctation that your husband should shoulder as much of the financially responsibility of supporting your family as you have. In fact, because you're pregnant he should have voluntarily put his dream aside temporarily in an effort to do with best for YOU AND your family. And with the economy the way it is, can he really guarantee his business is going to take off when he says it is?

My apologies for being so blunt, but isn't it high time that we as women put our needs first sometimes, especially when we're pregnant?

Sorry you are in this tough situation. My family's financial situation is nearly identical to what you described. It is an ongoing struggle. I'll tell you some ways I cope....

First, celebrate the fact that you are a successful, powerful and brilliant woman! How far we have come as women to even have these problems compared to our mothers generation (I'm 38)

While on the surface it seems that your husband/parents/siblings may have power over you, ultimately, the breadwinner has the ability to call the shots.

We did seek counseling and decided to separate our finances, and this has taken some tension out of the situation. My husband is still only responsible for earning his spending money, but it ended him having free access to my income.

Time away from kids is always hard! I comfort myself by knowing time spent with other caregivers seems to have been good for my kids (now 5 and 6). I have always worked, and so far, my kids seem very happy and well adjusted.

I hope this helps. Good luck to you!!

I think THIS is the smartest thing married folks can do (counseling and separate finances), especially when the woman earns most of the dough!

clee03m, I am having a hard time envisioning what your husband does. Is he actually working all day for his practice, or is he at home letting his mom take care of him? Either way, it is a problem, but I am just trying to envision what kind of a problem it is.

Is he spending your joint money to keep his practice open? If so, separating your finances would allow you to put limits on the amount of money you are providing to his practice. Separating your finances is good for many reasons, but keep in mind that it does not protect you if you are unable to work for whatever reason.

I think the bottom line is that you cannot make him earn money. He either will or he won't. You can take away the incentives for him not to work. You can protect yourself. You can be frugal (but it seems that you don't really want to make big lifestyle changes). You can even divorce him, but then you will still end up supporting him. So I don't think you will be able to go part time at this point.

I'm uncomfortable with the advice to separate finances; can you imagine the outcry if a high-earning man with a low-earning wife were to receive that advice about "his income"? (Disclosure: I'm sensitive to this issue as my husband's income is about 3X mine. He has never, never made reference to "his money", at least not that I've heard.)

Clee, I don't understand the source of your resentment, assuming your husband is operating in good faith on the plan that you both agreed to? Are you mad at him? Or just at the situation (which absolutely does sound frustrating and difficult)?

Having said that, this is a tough time to be a lawyer, and I can't imagine that it's going to be easy to start a successful solo practice. If I were you, I'd prepare (emotionally and materially) for the possibility that you'll earn the lion's share of the family income for some time to come.

Also, without knowing the other details, I have to say, if selling my house would allow me to spend the time with my children that I crave, that house would be on the market, like, already.

Good luck -- you're in a tough spot and being pregnant definitely isn't helping! Hang in there.

I just have to second Emily on not separating finances. I am the sole breadwinner in our family, however there have been times DH has been the sole bread winner as well. I think there is a time to consider separating finances, but I think the underlying principles are more important to address. Without addressing the underlying issues, separating finances won't fix a thing in my opinion. I would be very resentful if my husband wanted to separate our finances and would be concerned that it would herald a major problem in our marriage and potential demise of our relationship. My husband said it well when he said we chose to share our lives and that includes finances.

I do think it is time to sit down together and decide how much you can invest in the start up of his practice. I also think your DH should consider thinking outside the box in potential income. He should consider other interests or skills that may lead to some financial support for your family, in my opinion. The other thing to consider is developing a timeline for the development of his practice as well as times you will reconvene to discuss the progress and re-evaluate the investment and plan. All businesses need a plan and a timeline.

It's easy to look from the outside without knowing the details and give advice, but these are my thoughts. I hope you are able to work on things and find the best balance possible for everyone.