Hello fellow moms,

Here's my story and I hope someone can offer me advice. I was always ambitious and driven, got into a pretty good medical school despite no family support and advice. Got married and pregnant during my 4th yr of med school (completely unplanned). I got caught up in the ROAD residency application track and had applied to one of the very competitive specialties. I managed to finish my 4th yr rotations while going on 15 residency interviews 6-7 months pregnant. I played the rank list so that it was my top choice or bust. Most programs looked at my belly and I'm sure it played a part on my application. I didn't match and it was the most horrible feeling ever, considering that most programs told me that I was well qualified and would match well. The only scramble positions available were Surgery and at 9 months pregnant and wobbly, I couldn't go for it.

So, I took the time off after graduation and my dean left me alone with no advice for my future. My baby was colic and I also experienced serious postpartum health problems that left me practically homebound. I visited every specialist and was completely frustrated at the lack of good quality medical care (going thru rude medical front desk, arranging appts a month in advance, waiting at least an hour to see a doctor, repeat blood tests). I was now a helpless patient, placed on multiple meds while caring for a high-need baby with a milk allergy, growth problems, and chronic constipation. Luckily, I had a supportive husband who worked for our living expenses and student loans and a nanny to help watch over the baby during the day so I can rest. While at home, I exclusively breastfed my baby up to 1.5 yrs and also attended music and playgroup classes nearby.

Now my baby will start preschool this year and I've managed to get better physically through a complete lifestyle and nutritional change. I stopped taking all the prescribed meds and just took control of my life. I looked to alternative ways of healing through meditation, stopped drinking coffee and alcohol and turned my life around.

My doctors advised me that I probably should not plan for another baby, considering how pregnancy brought me so many complications. I agree. I'm now psyched to get back into residency and make use of my brain and future. My child now says that I should go back to being a doctor.

While I was in med school, I would have balked at the idea of applying to Family Medicine. Though now my life experiences have changed me and I still have the ideal to go into medicine to make a difference. Forget specialists, I now want to be the physician that I needed when I was sick, your regular run of the mill primary care doctor. I'd like to specialize in integrative medicine. Luckily, I'm not in it for the money. It does help to have a husband to support us and to already have purchased a beautiful home.

My question now is...am I being too naive about Family Medicine? What should I look for in a residency that could be 'family friendly' or urban vs. suburban? What do you do, for example, when your child is sick in school and needs to be picked up immediately? We don't have relatives who can help us.

rivermom, how many years out of med school are you? Are you an American grad? You may have to do some volunteering or research to strengthen your application, since multiple years out of med school can be a red flag for many programs, even FP. Maybe some of our stay-at-home posters can chime in with practical tips.

Well, residency is residency and NO you cannot leave in the middle of the day to go pick up your child frequently. Sure, they may allow it once in a while but YOU have to prepare for this with either your husband leaving work or a nanny. Sorry but residency is rough no matter which specialty you pick although some are more family friendly than others. IF you have to leave "earlY" to care for some home issue someone ELSE has to do your work and you can see that this can become an issue.

I've been out of med school for 3 years and yes, I'm an American grad at a top 20 school. I would be applying for the match for next year. So, that would make it 4 yrs. I've done basic science research during med school and a little after graduation with only abstracts to show. I have a first author abstract and a publication after graduation, but not from basic science. It was from my clinical research volunteering.

I'm thinking of taking Step 3 right now. Would that even help?

I just wanted to chime in with a couple of comments. First, I'm sorry you had such a tough time when your baby was little. I also had a child with many medical problems and unexpected needs. My child was born before I was a third year, and I ended up spreading out my clerkships so I could care for him. I'll finish my MD in 5 years instead of the usual 4. So you are not alone. I ended up hiring a nanny and it was a great decision. She takes care of him when he's sick and I don't have to take off of work. However, nannies get sick too. Sometimes you just have to miss time to care for family. My attendings have been completely supportive and I have never had problems taking time off for emergencies. My friends in IM residency have had the same experience. They cover for one another all the time and it's not this disaster one would imagine. We are all human beings, and even we get sick. Sometimes we have to care for ourselves or our families, and I think most people understand emergencies. I think if you were leaving every week it would be a problem but I honestly do not think leaving once in a while will be a horrible thing. Having backup options is important for childcare, but sometimes it has to be you.

rivermom2012, there is some kind of a deadline for Step 3 (finish all 3 steps within 7 years?) so if that deadline is coming up, you will need to plan to take it anyway.

I don't have any advice about the FM residency, but good luck!

Leaving "once in a while" is okay but again very dependent on which program you are at be aware. Some programs have NO leeway while others it's okay to leave for emergencies. Buyer beware.

Thank you all for your comments. I can now imagine how heartbreaking it is not to be there for your child in case of an emergency. I've had to bring my child to the ER for severe allergies to nuts, medicine and whatever else and was worried about a future situation as a resident. Unfortunately, my husbands job is not flexible and he can't quit. This week, my nanny took off for 2 days. Even they get sick. I'm writing this now as my child just had gastroenteritis today. This is a downer and I'm becoming more discouraged to go back to medicine the more I think about it.

Maybe this is a bit forward, but why can't you have the job that is not flexible? Why must only your husband have one of those?

Haven't followed this whole thread entirely but... both my med school and now my residency have programs available for emergency childcare. They're designed for exactly this problem. I've never used them (although I've signed up for peace of mind), but they don't cost a crazy amount, and friends who've used them raved about it. The people seem extremely well vetted - and while you wouldn't want to pick a full time nanny this way, as an emergency backup it's a pretty good deal.

Yes, at our hospital they let us bring our kids to the pedi floor when they are sick and charge like $3 per hour. The pedi nurses take care of them-can't get any more qualified than that! In terms of residency, as others have said, I think a once in awhile emergency is understandable but if it is a regular thing people will resent you for leaving work for them. Plus there are certain things you HAVE to do that you just can't leave....also remember in Family med you have to learn about OB, even if you ultimately don't do it. That is very unpredictable...

Someone posted, why does the husband have to have the "inflexible job" and not you? I do understand that times are hard now and jobs are far and few in between but YOU will most likely be the "main" breadwinner once done with residency unless your husband is an MD? so you need to discuss things with him (which I am assuming you may have) and figure out what can be arranged. YOU must go in with a plan though set in stone for the most part. Pick places that ARE family friendly and not all are. Go to interviews and ask the residents with families regarding the flexibility that you are asking here about.

Regarding husbands with inflexible jobs, I think that is often the case. Professional women still tend to marry "up," meaning that they marry professional men. On the plus side, that means that the OP does not have to worry about money right now and has a beautiful home. On the down side, her husband probably has to put in a lot of hours at work and is probably not willing to compromise any aspect of his successful job, especially now that he is the only breadwinner.

However, I can tell you from personal experience that even when the wife makes more money and should be considered the breadwinner with the more important job, the husband can still refuse to be available for domestic tasks, claiming that he cannot compromise his career in any way.

Other than "astronaut living in space station" or "President", I can think of few jobs that fit the "can't quit, inflexible" bill more than medical resident. And all for good reasons, generally. (I do agree with docmom, though, you can and should take time to be with your kid during emergencies for sure!) sahmd brings up a very good point, too, one that we don't give enough attention to.



Absolutely. Although do it with tact--I have been on some interviews where applicants have put themselves in a bad light because ALL they asked about were work hours/call schedule/vacations. Important, but wait to let the other applicants ask the tough questions first!

/rant

I suspect it's less often the job and more often the person holding that job that is "inflexible". Witness the neurosurgery resident/mother of two I ran into at church this morning. Sure, she was answering a page in the parking lot as I was arriving (late). And from the look of her attire, she was either coming from the hospital, or headed there, or both. But somehow in the middle, she managed to take communion with her family.

Flexible is as flexible does, you know?

good point asunshine, ask the questions but be careful how you do so as someone may get the wrong impression ...

I would like to thank all of you for your wonderful advice and recommendations!

We did a reality check, financially and logistically. The reason I said that my husband couldn't quit is because he'd be pretty stupid to. It is a highly lucrative career and he pays for everything - our nanny, nursery school, house, bills, student loans, insurance. His job requires travel and a lot of face time, billing hours. Even if I become a doctor with a practice, he will still make more than twice my salary, sadly.

It is a big sacrifice for all of us if he quits his job or do a part time option. We would have to sell our house because we wouldn't be able to maintain the charges. We've looked thoroughly for part time or work from home options and the job market hasn't been good in his specialty lately. The good thing is he has been willing to help.

So, is it work all the sacrifice and lifestyle to go back to residency? Reading posts on practicing physicians who want to leave is discouraging. I'm in my mid 30s. This reality check put a damper on my hopes. I'm thinking of trying to do alternative career paths instead.