Hi everyone, thanks for listening! So I just found out last week that I'm pregnant (about 5 weeks now) and I'm a little terrified but very excited. My husband and I are both first year medical students, and the baby will be due September of our second year. We're lucky in that this was not completely unplanned (still a surprise, but a good surprise!) and our school has recorded lectures so we will both be able to spend a lot of time at home for the rest of the year.

Now onto the negatives... My main worry is my relationship with my husband. He is much more achievement-oriented than I am, and he takes a lot of pride in his academic accomplishments. We are both worried that the stress of a newborn will be tougher on him than me--most of that is because he received a really great scholarship and is at risk of losing it if his grades drop below a certain percentage. My husband is so supportive but I can tell he's a lot more worried than I am; he mentioned that he wants to be a very involved dad but isn't sure how to make it work with this scholarship situation. We had always envisioned a more 50/50 parenting setup, but it's looking like I'll be taking on most of the childcare duties and he's feeling a little guilty. Anyone else in a similar situation? Or one where one spouse has more ambitious career goals than the other? How did you make it work?

The other issue is that our families are both far away and we have virtually no friends with kids. I plan on joining a prenatal yoga class or a playgroup to make some mom friends, but I'm just worried it will be tough to relate to them as most of these activities are geared towards stay at home moms.

I also had a question about Step 1... What is the window of time when people usually take it? We are hoping to stagger our test dates a little so that we each get some quality study time (and quality baby time when it's the other one's turn to take the test). Would this be a reasonable plan, or will we not have enough time?

Any other baby/relationship/med school advice would be greatly appreciated

This is actually a very common problem for marriages of two physicians. The husband is usually the one who feels that his career is more important, and that he cannot sacrifice any of his potential, and then the wife has to work around that. You were equal until this point, and you thought parenting was going to be equal, but your new realization is right: it will not be equal. You can stay on track with your own career if you hire some help with childcare and domestic tasks (or convince family to come and help) -- enough help so that you can study enough to feel that you are achieving your own goals. Some people have chosen to slow down their own career (taking time off from med school or splitting one year into two), but then you run into the problem of not being able to do the couples match (to maximize your chances of ending up in the same place for residency).

I'm surprised there aren't more comments on this post by now....

First off, Meadow, welcome! And congratulations on the expected baby!!

Regarding your main question... I have a disorganized jumble of thoughts and not enough time to sort them out well before posting, so here they are. First, I think the fact that you're recognizing and talking about these themes outright at this point is great. I think most couples realize there are some issues of this type at some point or another, but often they don't get acknowledged or talked about until one or both parties are really frustrated and hurt about how things have gone. In terms of the relative ambition part - you know, I think it's fine to have such a discrepancy. I think most couples do. I think it's important to couch a lot of it in terms of what people want to achieve AND what they are willing to sacrifice to do so, though, not to just assume that the person who wants the most should get it. But, both people in a marriage don't have to have the same goals in this regard for things to work out fine. And, finally, I think the most important point I would make is that people don't have to make equivalent sacrifices at the same point in time for things to balance out in the end. In fact, it's often almost impossible to do this! One thing that may actually work out rather well for you guys is that as much as many couples want to do 50/50 parenting, many of them at least find that for the first 1-2y of a child's life, it's a nice ideal, but the mommy and daddy roles are just not symmetric. Pregnancy is not a non-issue. Nursing, if you choose to do it, is VERY much not a non-issue. And... I know there are lots of variations on this, but... frequently kids just relate differently to their mothers when they're little. But, that doesn't mean that it will always be that way. You may slow down a little bit on the career path (or may not!) for the next couple of years... but then there may well be time a little bit from now when it's your turn for him to take over a bit more and free you up to reinvest in career while he slows down some. Or not! Just remember it's an option. But, it's more of an option if you guys recognize and discuss upfront that this may be the plan - because it's easy to fall into the person who makes fewer sacrifices in the first round or two having the dominant career (often paired with the dominant income) and then both partners shifting into seeing their career as just more important in some inherent sense.

Re: friends with kids - I'm sure it varies some from place to place, and it is harder when you're working, but overall, I sometimes think of having young kids as being a little bit akin to being a freshman in college - it's ready made to set you up to have a new social network. I think doing the kinds of things you're talking about are likely to go far in making sure you end up with probably more contacts than you'll have time to keep up with. And if not, there will be and endless supply of activities you can meet other parents through.

Re: step 1... I'm so far past this I have no idea, I fear....

Anyways, again, welcome and congratulations!

Hi Meadow. My husband and I are both medical students, and we also have a child. It's not common to find two medical students who are co-parenting, so I thought I'd jump in. I have a few thoughts to share. First, even if you and your husband decide you are not equally "ambitious" career-wise, being medical students together and having a baby is really, really hard. Really hard. For both of you to graduate from medical school with a child is an achievement to be very proud of. Getting all honors grades on top of that was impossible for both my husband and me. That being said, I have some tips to help make it less hard . Re: step 1, the window is usually very short - the 4-6 weeks you have between 2nd year and 3rd year of med school. However, you could still choose to stagger your studying. If you decide to do that, I would take an additional 6 weeks off (ie, start 3rd year late if you can) so you each have the same amount of time to study. It is not possible to take step 1 while in the middle of 3rd year. The 3rd year is really tough - you will both work 80 hours per week, do overnight call, essentially work as hard as residents but also have to study for shelf exams on top of that. So your time at home is not time off, and you can't spend it all with your baby. You'll have to be studying. In your shoes, I would consider that both of you take an extra year of research, but that you do it in a staggered fasion. You might consider doing something like this:
You - 1st year, 2nd year, year of research (during which you can take step 1 after your husband has already done it so you have time to study), 3rd year, 4th year.
Husband - 1st year, 2nd year, 3rd year, year of research, 4th year.
This way, you would do research when he's a 3rd year, and he would do research when you are a 3rd year. This enables you both to support one another through the worst year of training, and leaves one parent available to care for your child. And research is viewed positively by almost all residencies, even required for some super competitive fields, many would argue. So if you both take an extra year for research, but do it at different times, you could still couples match. And you would avoid the problem of both of you working 80 hrs per week at the same time with no family able to care for your child. Finding 80 hrs per week of childcare is hard. I speak from personal experience on this. In fact, I had 100 hours per week of child care some weeks, because we were both working 80 hrs but then needed time to study at home as well (which was the extra 20 hrs). My husband and I began our 3rd years together, fully intending to graduate at the same time and couples match. And then our baby was diagnosed with a number of health issues and needed many doctors appointments. It simply became unbearable for us to both be absent from our child's life at the same time. Someone needed to be more available to our baby -- so I took an extra year, and now we are not couples matching. My husband will be an intern while I'm a fourth year, and then I'll begin residency. My advice would be for both you and your husband to consider taking a research year. It's a win-win - helps your careers and gives you more time with baby. It might help financially in the short run too, because you would only need 50 hrs of child care per week during the years each of you would do research, as most research projects don't require the 80+ hrs of clinical work. You might also wish to ask family for financial help. Child care is expensive and it adds up.
On the relationship with husband front -- I will not lie. Being in medical school is hard on a marriage. Having a child is hard on a marriage. Doing both at once is painfully difficult at times for a marriage. My husband and I don't have much time with one another. The time we do have is spent juggling childcare duties and trading off who's doing what - I'm working, so he's making dinner. Or he's studying, so I'm cleaning, etc. It feels like a constant relay race where we hand the baton off to one another all the time. That being said, we make time every day to talk with each other - usually for a half hour or so over dinner once our kid is in bed. This daily check-in has been critical to our continued happiness in our relationship. We don't really have time for much more than talking these days -- life is too busy! On the upside, he understands, at a very deep level, why I work as hard as I do at school. Being in medicine, he has an empathy and understanding for me that he would not have if he were not in medical school too. We have a strong friendship which is the basis for our love for each other. That has kept us together through what was a very difficult and trying time for our marriage (ie, third year with a kid who had many health challenges).
I know this was a lot -- I hope I didn't overwhelm you with all that. It absolutely can be done -- but it helps to view it as a joint project where the shared goal for you both is to finish training and to raise a healthy, happy child. It doesn't matter if it takes longer to get there, or one of you finishes a certain phase (eg, third year) before the other, etc. It just matters that you all get there in a happy, healthy, and peaceful (as much as possible) way. Good luck to you, congratulations, and feel free to PM me if you want any other thoughts about being a med student mom married to another med student.

Hi meadow - welcome and congrats! I don't have a lot to add but I did want to say that I think newmommdphd's idea to stagger research years is AMAZING! I would totally do that if I were in your shoes. (As it is, I had my baby at the beginning of a research year, but it was comparatively easy-peasy because my husband stayed at home). Good luck to you!

Thanks everyone for the advice! It's been great hearing your opinions on everything, and it feels encouraging that other people can make it work with kids in med school.

A few more details on our situation have sort of hashed themselves out and it's looking pretty hopeful at this point. My husband really wants to do a masters program after 2nd year, which means I have a fair amount of flexibility built into my schedule. Matching together is a top priority--we likely will not be staying in this area for residency so this means I will be taking a year off at some point. A leave of absence during 2nd year is an option if taking care of the new baby gets too overwhelming; otherwise I will likely be doing either an MPH or a year of research after my 3rd year. We originally considered having me do this after 2nd year, but I like the idea of staggering our 3rd years (thanks for the suggestion, newmommdphd!) If this doesn't pan out for some reason, we will probably try 3rd year together but stagger our rotations so that we're not both on surgery during the same time, etc.

As far as Step 1 goes, I just found out I can take an "elective" month at the beginning of my third year by completing a longitudinal course. Hopefully that would give us enough time to stagger our test dates; if we can't, we discussed starting part-time daycare about a month before the exam so that we can have some time to study... We'll just have to see how it goes. I'm meeting with one of the deans to talk about all these options soon, hopefully something will work out!

The only thing I'm worried about now is when are we going to have more kids?! Everything seems like it's fallen into place for this baby, I don't know when we'll have time to have another--or plan so much to make it work! My husband is all for having an only child, and I do like the idea of the simplicity of it all, but I also like the idea of a house full of lots of kids... I guess we'll see how this first one goes

Thanks again for all the wonderful advice!

Good idea!

Plenty of time to worry about future children, just focus on this one now. You never know, having a child could change the way you (or your husband) feel about future children. I was always leaning towards 2-4, my husband towards 1-2. After having DD, I am now planning on 2 and NO MORE! LOL - I love my little girl but children are a lot of work and expensive, and I want time to enjoy them and manage my career. Not that many women don't manage to do that just fine with more, it's just not in the cards for me.

Anyway, that was a big digression. So happy for you that things seem to be falling into place!!

If you are planning to breastfeed, you will probably end up being the primary caregiver the first year anyway! The first year with your child is a beautiful time. You will be drawn to your kiddo like none other, and you won't find it a burden (but a joy) to be the primary caregiver. I too had an infant during second year. My husband was very supportive (we have no family nearby), but I did most of the work (all while studying via online lectures and PBL). Looking back, I cherished that time, even through the hardships...and the continual lack of sleep. Get excited girl. You are in for something that will blow your mind.

To address your other question...I made most of my mom friends at LLL (la leche league) meetings. These women are ALL stay at home moms with very progressive views on parenting (not all I agree with). But I fit in, despite the fact that they don't like doctors, and I am going to be one. I think you'll be just fine in yoga class...and you'll need the support!

I took step I on June 15th.

Oh, I am also pregnant again with baby #2. This one will be born in June as well. Kiddos will be two years apart, so I will head into 4th year with two under two!