This. I am constantly comparing myself to my "peers", almost all of whom have never had children. On the one hand, I want to say to myself that that's not fair, they haven't had kids so I shouldn't compare myself to them. On the other hand, then I feel like I'm saying being a mom is my excuse for looking like crap. I know objectively that I don't actually look like crap, but sometimes I feel like I do. <SIGH> Curse this society for making me think and care so very much about what my body looks like next to everyone else. How do I prevent my daughter from growing up and feeling the same way?

You know, I actually agree with this, and find it freeing.

I had my time to look all cute, it was a stage, I'm over it and fine with that. Frankly I always found the societal imperative to look cute somewhat oppressive.

Now I'm like, look: I'm a grown woman, I'm a mom, I'm a dr, and hell if I'm going to waste my precious time or brainspace trying to look like I'm 22. I've got other stuff to occupy myself with. I (obviously) prefer to be a healthy weight and fit in my clothes, but other than that I'm over the whole cute thing. Anyone who doesn't like it can feel free to look away.

I like this. While I can't say I am as free as Tr, I find myself caring a lot less. I figure after this baby, I will get back into rock climbing which will automatically give me that kicking body I want. Face and hair? Meh. I think I am OK sporting the all naturale look of the PNW most of the time and getting dolled up once in a while. I did promise myself some laser treatments for my skin once I am done breastfeeding the second one though....

I guess I struggle with this still because even though I am a grown woman and a mom, I am still a trainee and most of my peers are twenty-something single or newlywed-not-thinking-of-kids-yet people. I'm only 28. Most of the moms I know are a fair amount older than me and usually in higher positions in the hierarchy, even if not my direct superiors. So sometimes I don't really feel like I fit in with my "peers" OR with the "grown ups". I find myself wanting to look young while being mature, and then find that I'm not satisfied with a sense of belonging on either end. Anyone else have any experience with this?

I think MD/PhDs have a lot of this as well as moms... and as an MD/PhD + mom (+ having gone through the caregiver role with very sick family members, another milestone I see as somewhat separating people in this regard) I definitely felt a bit apart. I guess I kind of liked it, though. It felt freeing. I felt like it was fair to look to attendings as role models for how to handle myself as a women on the wards, even if we weren't the same "rank".

I remember one particular female attending I really admired who I noted just stood much straighter than I did (as a new 3rd year who was feeling very awkward and self-conscious), and somehow just radiated a mix of competency + compassion + generosity. I found myself consciously trying to mimic her body language and how she carried herself, and I was really surprised to realize how much better I felt when I was standing up straighter and not half-hiding all the time.

There were also a smattering of other older students in my classes that I could look to as models, as well, who were generally comfortable and well-respected people... and if anything moved easily between peer-like and older-sib-like relationships with the "normal" aged classmates. So it felt comfortable as I returned from PhD land to sort of slip into their role, this time 'round.

And seriously - it can feel so good release yourself from the burdens of the young-20-something role. I loved playing the older sister role to many of my younger classmates, who were stressing about how to find a stable relationship, how to decide to marry, when they could have kids... reminds me how grateful I am to be where I am, now. Proud and grateful.

I think this thread is now going in a different direction, but I have no desire to be 22 years old again or have my body look that way either. I just want my body to kind of look somewhat similar to what it looked like about a year and a half ago before I got pregnant-- which of course is not realistic, but one can wish. With that being said--- when I was 22 yo, I was in my first year of med school and I was about 15 pounds heavier than what I presently am 5 mos postpartum. I think the assumption on this thread is that 20 y.o. are rail thin and I was a pudgy 20 yo from all that sitting around and studying. In fact, I didn't lose all the weight that I gained from college until I started residency and had to run around, be up all night, etc.

The second thing that I wanted to say is that my impression is that a lot of people who have posted are more nontraditional med students that have gone to med school a little later. I think there is some nostalgia and some false assumptions going on. I was 22 when I started med school and I was a mess! That was the worst year of my life! I was so tired and so unfocused. I didn't know what I wanted to do and lacked any passion for anything--- and you know what? The other med students who were 22 as well were all the same as me! We all decided we would do the bare minimum to get by and we were so insecure on the floors and didn't know how to approach people or work as a team or stand up for ourselves, etc. I was always so envious of the other nontraditional older med students-- they seemed so focused & driven. They knew what they wanted to do and how they would get there. The only insecurities that I ever detected from them was they would always talk about how they would have been an attending by now or a fellow by now if they had gone straight through-- but really in the grand scheme of things-- does it make that much of a difference?

I'm 35 yo now and I love being this age-- I am confident in my position as a doctor and a human being these days. I would never want to be that insecure 22 yo again. The only thing I am trying to get used to these days is the new body that I am sporting postpartum, but I think it will be ok in time-- if I lose the weight or I don't I just want to be the best that I can be. And I don't think that is age dependent. I see 80 yo women in my clinic that look good--- they are poised and pulled together and they make the best out of what they have and that's what it's all about.

AmmaMD, that is an interesting point. I am definitely able to look up to some attendings as role models. I guess what I was saying that it's hard to connect as equals with other women with young children, because most of the ones I encounter are attendings rather than people closer to my level of training. Hopefully that will change when I start residency - I assume I'll start encountering more people at my training level with families.

English, thank you for your post which adds some very valuable perspective! (I agree btw that this thread has veered a little from it's initial topic, but that's okay, right?). You're absolutely right that not all 22 year olds are stick thin, I guess it just feels that way to me sometimes, and for whatever reason it's the skinny ones I always judge myself against. And yes, the early 20s were not as rosy as we paint them sometimes. I enjoyed mine very much but really have no desire to live them again. But nostalgia is hard to kick. I am generally very happy with where I am in my life now, too, I think I just struggle sometimes with feeling like I'm in between peer groups and don't really belong anywhere. I am going to try to take AmmaMD's perspective and enjoy the freedom that comes with that - what a wonderful way to think about it!

Moving back towards the original topic... it is very easy to be dissatisfied with one's body no matter what kind of figure one has or how it is objectified by others. It's helpful to remember that other people struggle with this too, and even more helpful to be reminded of the many other ways we can feel good about ourselves. I'm so glad we are all able to be so open and supportive here!

After reading through this thread, it makes me think more about how I view my body now and pre-kids. I realize that I do compare myself to the thin residents and medical students a lot more than I should now, since they are who I used to look like. But I also think that when I was that thin medical student, I NEVER compared myself to a "fat" resident. (Or even someone with a "mom's" figure.) I think it is a good reminder that we are great at judging ourselves and putting expectations on our figures that are probably a bit unrealistic - but I don't think others are seeing us as lazy, overweight moms... which is totally what I feel like sometimes!

Well, as regards physical appearance, the PhD doesn't have nearly the effect that pregnancy does (although I did subsist largely on doughnuts for a fair portion of my PhD, heh). But I do recall enjoying a little bit of a sense of perspective and remove when I went back to the wards. I was able to take everything a lot less seriously than most of the others seemed to (although part of that is just my personality). Third year just didn't seem like such a big deal in comparison, and though I wasn't a parent at the time I can imagine that motherhood would probably have a similar (or, more likely, greater) effect.





At 5 mo postpartum I think you should give it some more time. Without doing anything special, I took a year to get back to prepreg weight and an additional 6 months to get back to prepreg measurements with my first baby. It was a long time, but in the end things really didn't look that much different than they had before. (I do think that the more kids you have, the more permanent and severe the bodily effects are though.)

It's not unrealistic, it just takes a little time. I'd say once my first son was a year old, or maybe 18 months, I looked more or less back to normal, at least in my clothes. Then once he was two or so, my weight dipped back down to my college weight and I looked and felt good. Now I'm four months post-partum again and I've been pleasantly surprised by my progress. I'm back to my (fat) prepreg weight (around 120); I'm comfortable maintaining this weight until I stop breastfeeding, then I'll probably make an effort to lose another five pounds or so. My belly looks lightyears better than it did a few months ago and I think I'll probably even be willing to wear a bikini this summer. But I don't get stretch marks, so that probably helps some.

Having said that, I most definitely do not share tr_'s zen about aging. I guess I wish I did, but I don't. I love getting older, but I an unable to embrace *looking* older. My younger sister recently started getting Botox and now she's got me thinking ... hmmm.