My wife walks in the door, sits down at the dinning room table (a rare occurrence) with her plastered spattered scrubs and blood stained surgical clogs and immediately tells us about her hellish and complicated day. Like always she has commanded the conversation without even a hello. She is not alone in deciding what is important and who should speak first for she has been trained to be economic with thought and word. She is not alone in deciding what what’s important and who should speak first. For most other families I’ve spoken with who are part of the medical fraternity, whether doctor, resident, intern, or med student it’s the same for them. Residents in particular need to ventilate and in their mind are sharing events that should also be interesting to their families. Normally it is but not when the kids have been waiting to share their day with their MD MOM or DR Dad. They want to feel that their day was as important to you as is their time. So starting the conversation off usually confuses and frustrates the lot of us. My resident wife just doesn’t get it as she is so geared up and irritable after being on call there simply isn’t enough space in her to think of anyone else. Most of her fellow residents are the same with their spouses. Most recent research and surveys support the above. So I thought I’d help with a “cheat sheet for residents relationships.” Below are ten tips. Cut them out. Paste them to your gray matter. It will help you, your family, spouse or significant other.

1. 60 Seconds: That’s all it takes to make a call and leave a message. It lets the other side know you are thinking about them and although you are not there you wish you were. We, conversely, know you don’t have any time, that your about to scrub up, go into 4 hours of operations, have an unexpected crisis, can’t be home again on time BUT it doesn’t matter if we get a quick thought from you.

2. Understanding: This is a tough one for residents, doctors, and med students to grasp let alone implement. We want you to understand US, what our day is like, and the troubles we have, and the sacrifices we make. We already know yours. You have to be proactive with understanding our issues. If you missed yet again your daughters field day event or play try and understand her frustration and anger. Don’t try and diminish it with your facts as to your absence. If your wife or husband has had it yet again because you were not there to help, float with their frustration instead of fighting upstream with another explanation.

3. Unexpected: Try anything unexpected to counter the predictable drudgery our routine. Buy a pair of baseball tickets or take your daughter to a rock concert. Distinguish yourself by the unusual as you are so predictable. Get a babysitter, make dinner reservations but you do it and not have your spouse or kids do it for you.

4. Communicate: Also tough to do. Try and continually communicate everything from desires to common items. Problems begin when issues get postponed or worse bottled up inside. Then when they are vented they usually are volcanic. Try and explain your position in a non-assertive non-personal manner. Perhaps over wine and cheese.

5. Make Time: The impossible, elusive, unheard of time. I know that there is none and yet if you don’t carve out some you become distant to others. You have become so time sensitive that you’re irritated if it takes a few moments to explain a thought. But you must adjust yourself to the timing of others that are not wrapped up in your timelessness.

6. Use Technology: This is a fun one. Take technology to task. Use it to help communicate and make time. Try and learn new combination of characters to spell out or symbolize a thought on your pager. Download pic’s to your PDA. Or take a snapshot using your cell phone or PDA and send it instantly. My daughter takes snapshots with her Zire downloads them to my wife’s email account or takes a snapshot with her camera sending it to her cell phone. You should do the same with your devices. I use a blackberry cell phone from T-Mobile to send on the go emails so I don’t have to worry about frequency strengths or hospital policy on cell phone use.

7. Intimacy: Never confuse intimacy with sex but if you do it’s a great way to be confused. Intimacy is important since you are away so much of the time. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture but a meaningful one. Perhaps a note tucked away to be found in your absence or doing the laundry once and a while. Al it has to do is communicate warmth and understanding. Did I mention sex?

8. Leave it at the hospital: Keep your work and its frustrations at the hospital. Bringing your issues home sets a foundation of irritability that eventually everyone builds on. Try instead to focus on what’s positive at the home. Hard to do but the more practiced the better home life becomes.

9. You are not alone: The X-Files aside this is not a singular effort although it might seem that way to you. We, the other silent side of medicine, sacrifice much to support your pursuits. The more you recognize and honor what we do the more peace of mind you’ll have. Will someone suggest at the next award ceremony that there should be an award given out for the best support given to a medical professional please?

10. Realism: This is one tough one. Be realistic about your future and your plans to get there. If you have to postpone many of the more common aspects of life so that you can achieve your goals let the other know the reality, the hardships ahead, so that they may be able to weather the walk ahead.

Chat to Brandon

Email Brandon Knight.