Well, this is certainly true. 4 days ago I was sitting observing a patient during my 3rd year psych rotation and suddenly realized I had all the signs of being pregnant. I thought I'd had food poisoning earlier in the week so had been in bed "sick" and fatigued. I'd also been craving strange foods and certain smells made me want to vomit on the spot. My bra size has also increased which one of my friends had noted about a week and a half ago.
I've been pregnant once before and it was about a year and a half ago. Unfortunately, it ended in a miscarriage and made for a very emotional year. The signs were exactly as the time before, however, and I couldn't believe it had taken me a couple of weeks to fully recognize it.
I texted my partner while still at the clinic and informed him that I thought I was pregnant and was stopping by to get tests on the way home. 4 positive tests later I was certain it was true.
This definitely has not been our plan. And now I find myself thrown into a world of multiple questions and lots of fear. I am a 3rd year medical student. I have just moved to a city far away from all my social support. My hubby is not even currently with me as we decided it made more sense for him to live where we permanently want to end up instead of us both schlepping around in temporary homes.
We both really want children and talk about it non-stop...but now that it's happening I think we're both in shock. I immediately start planning logistics while he goes into a panic about how this will work with my career. He usually is very supportive with my journey...but times like this really test his unconditional support. I know a part of him wants me to just be at home with the kids. But we both know that this wouldn't make me happy and ultimately he wants me happy, but it is something we struggle with.
So, now I'm filled with so many questions...
How will this work where I'm pregnant during these rotations?
Am I strong enough to handle this academically/physically/emotionally?
Is my family going to be supportive even though it's obviously a really difficult time for this to happen?
Is my hubby strong enough to handle this?
Can I handle being pregnant far away from everyone with just monthly visits from family/friends?
Will I get everything figured out to just miscarry again?
So far my school has been very supportive. I'm surprised by the support from those I have confided in. The support and excitement. It's become somewhat contagious.
So now to just wait and see what happens. I have an appt to meet a new ob/gyn next week. I am hoping she is helpful and willing to discuss all of this from me from a professional and personal point of view.
I'm also flying to see hubby next weekend so that we can discuss all this face-to-face. So for now, it's just me sitting here with this strange feeling that something is growing inside me....on one hand I feel different and on the other...like nothing at all has changed.
So today has been somewhat less optimistic. It started out fine, but after taking a nap in the middle of the day I woke up feeling as if there's no possible way this is going to work out. I woke up feeling tons of uncertainty about doing this and about hubby's ability to support me through this. After speaking with him I feel a little better...but he is completely overwhelmed and doubting himself completely - everything from his career to our relationship. Not what I want to be hearing while carrying his child. He's very honest (often too honest) and says everything he's thinking which can be a double-edged sword. He's not doubting our relationship because of me...but rather because of my career choice and how it's affected our ability to be together. I agree with this. But I also don't think it's a good idea to dwell in the past and instead just plan for the future. No one is living that wonderful dream life that they show on tv...there are always sacrifices in one way or another.
Today I was fairly asymptomatic all day - which makes me feel so strange. It's like I want to feel different all day just as a reminder that something has changed. I did have a sonogram so luckily I have seen the image, but it's just still so bizarre to me. Last time I was pregnant I was VERY aware of it every minute of every day because I cramped nonstop. I know this was mostly because the pregnancy wasn't viable, but it's like I want a pregnancy test attached to me just to keep verifying that something amazing is taking place inside me.
I haven't told any of my family yet or my closest friends because I know they'll all be really disappointed if anything happens with the pregnancy. I think this is hardest because I want to call and share everything with them. But I know that it will lead to constant questioning about how we're planning to make this work out, how this happened, etc. I want to talk to my hubby face-to-face about it all before we open that door.
I also haven't told the doctor I'm rotating with what is happening but I did note that he got irritated with me for using the bathroom repeatedly. It's as if I can't concentrate any urine so everything I'm drinking is going STRAIGHT through me. Where's my ADH?? I'm assuming it's all my hormones being messed up but it's driving me insane.
Well, here's to making it through another day of this roller-coaster. I think after hugging my hubby and talking through everything with him we'll both feel a lot better. Currently I feel like I'm having to do all the planning by myself and whenever I talk to him about it he just seems to get completely overwhelmed. Are all men like this? My father is a complete planner so it hurts that my hubby isn't just jumping on the bandwagon, being super excited and helping me figure out how this will all work out.
Oh well...we're doing the best we can right now with what we've got. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.