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More "Have it all" Drama from the Atlantic

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7 years 2 months ago #85724 by clee03m
I guess I had the impression that I would be happy working full time (65 hours a week) and still be able to have a happy marriage, rock climb seriously, and have kids. Yes, I was silly to think that I would be able to do all that, but really, I was doing pretty well before kids. What troubles me is that as I struggle find days off to work part time around the man power issue in my group, my male partners with kids step up to take over the leadership positions. And I have to wonder why I need to work part time, and they don't. Is it a gender divide? All the leadership positions in our group are filled with men. And yes, I do feel a bit guilty. I feel like I should want to be in a leadership position, and really, I could if I wanted. Certainly, I was heading that direction before I had kids. I worry if my working part time, not stepping up to be a leader, and taking maternity leave would affect future employment for women of child bearing years.

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7 years 2 months ago #85732 by tr_

clee03m wrote: What troubles me is that as I struggle find days off to work part time around the man power issue in my group, my male partners with kids step up to take over the leadership positions. And I have to wonder why I need to work part time, and they don't. Is it a gender divide? All the leadership positions in our group are filled with men. And yes, I do feel a bit guilty. I feel like I should want to be in a leadership position, and really, I could if I wanted. Certainly, I was heading that direction before I had kids. I worry if my working part time, not stepping up to be a leader, and taking maternity leave would affect future employment for women of child bearing years.


Or maybe you are setting a precedent so others (men and women) can feel more comfortable asking for flex at work in order to honor family needs. Why should 65 h/week be the norm anyway? Maybe your group needs a new norm, or a spectrum of norms.

Also clee you have a toddler and an infant - there will be other times in your life when you can ramp back up if you choose. Little kids are not forever, only a few years out of a long career.

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7 years 2 months ago #85748 by clee03m
I mean my male partners with small children not unlike mine.

Only people who work part time are the ones nearing retirement. Hopefully, you are right, and I've made it easier for people to ask for part time for family needs.

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7 years 2 months ago #85764 by Docmomof4
Very interesting thread. This part of the article struck me:

"Which means I’d been part, albeit unwittingly, of making millions of women feel that they are to blame if they cannot manage to rise up the ladder as fast as men and also have a family and an active home life (and be thin and beautiful to boot). "

My first reaction to the title alone was -Yeah, I figured that out when I had my first child. All through my thirties I felt that these earlier feminists had sold me a bill of goods-you can't have it all, do it all, and do it all well. That is my opinion. But, what is 'well'?

I have spent years feeling guilty for 'just' being a part time doc in a CHC and not furthering my career. Ok, I deliver babies, teach at a med school, and do correctional health, plus have 4 children ages 1-9 and no nanny, get to the gym 5 days a week, but still I am failing, and not living up to expectations. Plus, I gave in and got once weekly housecleaning this year-what kind of example is THAT setting for my children? Add to this the pressure put on by attending highly ranked undergrad and med schools (I was wasting my "fill in the blank ivy" education by becoming a family practice doc and not the head of something), and it can be hard. But i have realized some things in my 30's that I am living in my 40's.

#1-I define 'well'. I need to be able to lay my head down at night and feel that I did a good job

#2-It is ok to be 'just' a community doctor

#3-Professional life can change, and may change when my children are older. For now, this is family building time, not career building time

#4-I love being a mom, and I love working, and I like that I am setting an example for 4 daughters that you can be a mom and have a career.

#5 At the end of the day, my family is what is important to me, not someone else's arbitrary judgement on whether or not my life is successful

#6 I need to be happy with being healthy, and there will never be a perfect number on the scale!!!!

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7 years 2 months ago #85859 by AnnaM
Recently stumbled across this. It sums up my feelings about this article exactly:

www.nationalreview.com/articles/303947/g...ade-offs-mona-charen

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7 years 2 months ago #85861 by MTaylor
AnnaM - totally agree. Very good article!

<a href=" www.coilyembrace.com " rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> www.coilyembrace.com </a>

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