× Family & Parenting

A conflict of interest - advice really appreciated

More
8 years 10 months ago #77633 by happychappy
Hi there,

I realise that the dilemma I am about to put forward is one which only I can really decide on, but I am feeling really down about it and I could use some advice if anyone can give it. I feel like this might be a good place to ask.

I am a British 24-year-old who has just been offered a conditional place to study on a graduate medicine course starting October. The course is probably one of the most sought after in the country, and I know it's going to be really tough (I know that for a fact) but I put a lot of effort into my application and feel very proud to be accepted. I really want to learn medicine, how the body can go wrong, how we "fix" it and I really want to work with patients on a daily basis (basically I want to become a Doctor!). However... I REALLY want children.

I know this dilemma has probably been raised a hundred times before but I am considering not taking up my place (I can't defer it) for this reason. I work with children and all my life I have wanted children young, so that I can spend my life with them in it. My fiance knew this from our first date! The idea of waiting until I am 27 (when I would graduate) seems a lifetime away and everyday I seem to want children more. I will be married this year and I know if I didn't take my place that within a year or so my husband and I would have children.

I have considered children during medical school and after it, but I just worry what people think of it. My parents, for one, would NOT be happy if I got pregnant during med school. To them I would have given up my career already. Plus I worry I would end up exhasuted and it would put lots of pressure on my relationship.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? can anyone advise? I am really feeling so down about it, when really my options are both good. My dilemma is just taking the pleasure out of everything.

Thanks in advance.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
8 years 10 months ago #77637 by carliz
I haven't been in your exact position, but I'd like to offer a perspective to consider. (For what it's worth...)

I am a mommy of a beautiful 3 year old daughter. She's the light of my life, and she makes me feel like the luckiest mom on the planet. So I understand your desire to have children. And as I think back to 'pre-child' me, the idea of having kids AND doing school would've been an absolute 'no way.' I saw both as all consuming, and I just didn't envision a way that the 2 could coincide.

Fast forward a few years... and now I'm going back to school at 33...and I look back and wonder what in the world I used to do with all my free time?!? Having a new baby is overwhelming and wonderful--but you CAN still have a life. And you can certainly go to school and have a child. People do it every day... lots of women right here on this site...with 3, 4, even 5 kids... It just takes planning, good time management, and a solid support system.

With any new change, it seems crazy and difficult at first. But then you reach a new sort of homeostasis, and it becomes your new 'normal.' I promise that I would've had your same thoughts in your position... but being on the other side and now being in the 'mommy club' for a few years, I just want to offer the encouragement that the two really can happen at the same time. Having a baby while you go to school isn't throwing anything anyway with regard to your career.

On the other hand--you have plenty of time! You're still in your 20's...and I understand baby fever, trust me--but if you decide to delay the family planning, that's perfectly fine too! There's no right or wrong answer here. It's simply that each choice will require different planning. You have some wonderful opportunities ahead of you--embrace them and just go with what you feel is right for your family! **You worked hard and earned that spot in the program next year. I would think long and hard before turning it down!

Kids change your life forever...and you really do find a new 'normal.' It's the best change I ever could've imagined--and my daughter makes me stronger. I'm glad she'll be around for this journey.

Best of luck, whatever you decide will be completely ok!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
8 years 9 months ago #77654 by happychappy

carliz wrote: I haven't been in your exact position, but I'd like to offer a perspective to consider. (For what it's worth...)

I am a mommy of a beautiful 3 year old daughter. She's the light of my life, and she makes me feel like the luckiest mom on the planet. So I understand your desire to have children. And as I think back to 'pre-child' me, the idea of having kids AND doing school would've been an absolute 'no way.' I saw both as all consuming, and I just didn't envision a way that the 2 could coincide.

Fast forward a few years... and now I'm going back to school at 33...and I look back and wonder what in the world I used to do with all my free time?!? Having a new baby is overwhelming and wonderful--but you CAN still have a life. And you can certainly go to school and have a child. People do it every day... lots of women right here on this site...with 3, 4, even 5 kids... It just takes planning, good time management, and a solid support system.

With any new change, it seems crazy and difficult at first. But then you reach a new sort of homeostasis, and it becomes your new 'normal.' I promise that I would've had your same thoughts in your position... but being on the other side and now being in the 'mommy club' for a few years, I just want to offer the encouragement that the two really can happen at the same time. Having a baby while you go to school isn't throwing anything anyway with regard to your career.

On the other hand--you have plenty of time! You're still in your 20's...and I understand baby fever, trust me--but if you decide to delay the family planning, that's perfectly fine too! There's no right or wrong answer here. It's simply that each choice will require different planning. You have some wonderful opportunities ahead of you--embrace them and just go with what you feel is right for your family! **You worked hard and earned that spot in the program next year. I would think long and hard before turning it down!

Kids change your life forever...and you really do find a new 'normal.' It's the best change I ever could've imagined--and my daughter makes me stronger. I'm glad she'll be around for this journey.

Best of luck, whatever you decide will be completely ok!


Thanks so much for your post - it is so interesting to other people's stories and how their lives have turned out.

I think your point about my age is quite true - you know that way I just always invisaged having children early in my 20's...but then again I didn't imagine I'd ever get a place on this course. Also I guess it is better to have children once I am happy as a person, comfortable in the thought I am doing/will be going back to something I love once they are in my life.

Thanks again. And best of luck with your place at med school - I'm sure having your wee one to go home to each night will get you through any tough times =)
Last Edit: by .

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
8 years 9 months ago #77657 by HAM
I've said this multiple times but I'll restate it.

I had my first baby after my 1st year of med school and the 2nd during my 4th year. They were 2 of the best decisions of my life. I think they made me a better physician by endowing me with empathy and compassion that, though I thought I possessed, never understood the meaning until they were born. Its easier earlier in medical school. It gets harder with clinical rotations and then residency. Many women have done it on these forums, but most (if not all) would strongly recommend against it. And you'll find a common theme - many get into med school and find themselves the the middle of it with no desire to continue but no way to overcome the debt.

That being said - having them in medical school caused a tremendous amount of torment. Rather than being the top of the class, I settled for average to spend time with them. My medical education was sacrificed and I was emotionally drained by missing them when working long hours and feeling torn between my books and Dr. Suess.

You can wait for some time and have the best of both worlds. However, some women cruise along through school, residency, fellowship and before they know it, that fertility window has closed.

I will never regret my decision but would not advise anyone to do the same. Parenthood is a lot harder than it seems. A LOT. And its the most important job you'll have (apologies for the cliche).

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Moderators: TexasRoseefex101mommd2b
Time to create page: 0.176 seconds
Find us on Facebook!
Find us on Twitter!
Find us on Pinterest!