× Family & Parenting

miserable husband syndrome

12 years 3 months ago #43901 by sisriver
BabyHeartz and Melmc, I guess you know where I will go again with my post, but here it is. I think it is very possible that both of your husbands sense that you are nearing the end of your ropes. And so that is why they are trying, because they sense a need at this time to prove their commitment/love to you. This is the cycle, (i guess you can tell the kind of books I've been reading) the 'holiday' until they sense you are hooked again, and that is when the next strike could come.

I don't know, of course, only you know. And I think also that the line between love and abuse could be a fine one in certain relationships - how does one sort out, if one is in the middle of it, if the commitment is because of devoted love or directed abuse?

The issue of time - your time is a part of you. I would think that the idea that 'everything' has to happen on your time could provide them with a negotiating tool for pretty much anything. I want to suggest that you, as much as possible, see your time as your own. I am wondering if you let the medical education/training define your time also, and if possible, to limit that as you can, don't let the hospital keep you for that extra half hour or hour.

BabyH, I don't like his humor at all. There is a (potentially cruel) mixed message in it. While an occasional joke like that, if you have an agreement that you are ok with teasing like this, is ok -- the regular I-hate-what-you-like is a way of getting you to laugh at something that is potentially quite negating to you.

I think you women are something, to be examining things like this at your stage. I really was quite blind back then. So, Good For You! And keep observing, keep questioning. keeping a private journal of your thoughts could be good for future examination too.

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12 years 3 months ago #43902 by Sweet
Dear BabyHeartz and Melmc,

I am wondering: Do your husbands spend any time worrying about what ails your relationships? Do they spend time researching solutions? Do they look for answers and help in places near and far (even as far as cyberspace)?

BabyHeartz, perhaps your husband is feeling like everything is happening on your time, but when was the last time he actually made any "happy plans" with you and for the two of you? Like I said in a previous post, yes, we can sometimes frame people in certain roles, but quite often it is only in response to them assuming that role for a long time. If he wants to be a happy husband in a good marriage, he has to assume some responsibility in making that happen.

Your husband's "I-hate-it-because-you-like-it" line is abrading my senses right now - it can only be funny once, not a second time, not even 10 years later. It does sound inappropriate and borderline emotionally abusive.

Something else to consider (this is a huge factor which gives me strength when I feel I have none left) - would you want your children to grow up in this sort of environment, and more importantly, would you want them to model their own behaviors, relationships, lives after mom+dad's? I feel that my first and foremost obligation is to my children, and I must not put their happiness, their sanity, their future at stake, if I can help it. Every child deserves a happy, healthy (emotionally and physically), and loving mother (and father, too) -- whether she (he) is married or not is less relevant.

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12 years 3 months ago #43903 by BabyHeartz
Hey Melmc,

I'm a bit short on time right now, but was just browsing and thought to myself... who WOULDN'T get depressed in this situation?! Sounds like maybe yours has been going on even longer than mine. I always think it's a shame that sometimes people end up blaming their depression (or someone else's) for an unhappy situation, when the depression is just that.. SITUATIONAL! Not to say this is the case with you guys for sure, but I can think of many situations where I've seen this with other friends/family.

Anyway, we should definitely talk more.. the similarities (the crushes, the depressed/antisocial husbands..) blows my mind!

Drop me an email sometime!

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12 years 3 months ago #43904 by BabyHeartz
That's interesting, what you ask about my husband looking for answers, Sweet. He really doesn't.. he just says, "this is the way it is, I know you don't mean for it to be, but there's nothing to be done and no way to fix it." My thought is, even if there's no way to fix my schedule or its demands, there's got to be a way to make both of us happier.
I can't complain, though: lately we have been having a better time together. He still grumbles and says some disrespectful things, but not nearly as much so as before we talked. I definitely would advocate insisting on a frank, honest conversation and not taking no for an answer to others in a similar situation. The way I see, he'll either return to his old ways, at which point I think my patience may be shot.. or he won't. And if he doesn't...? This would be great, and I'm already starting to have some of those "old feelings" for him... but in these past months I've already developed some pretty strong feelings for someone else that I've been forcing myself to try to put a lid on. I'm hoping these will fade with time if things continue to improve.

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12 years 3 months ago #43905 by sisriver
THe crush is called a "romantic solution". It allows deflection from the marital issue.

But what can happen if one doesn't examine oneself closely enough, and how one chooses relationships, is that the same mismatched pairing is repeated with a new partner.

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12 years 3 months ago #43906 by premed mom
I watched part of this special on TLC called Marriage boot camp. The premise was three high school sweetheart couples that had been married for a few years were having serious problems in their relationship. It was amazing hearing these couples' stories (physical, emotional, drug abuse etc.) and watching them transform before my eyes.

The directors of the boot camp program had a strategy that went something like this:
They believe that everyone comes into a relationship with baggage (duh!) and so when a relationship goes south, it is important to not work on the relationship...instead, work on improving YOURSELF as an individual.
This led to mock discussions in which each person in the relationship went through all of the traumas in their life and pretended to be talking to their offenders (ie. for one woman it was her abusive stepfather).

Eventually, they had to find it in themselves to forgive their offender and this allowed them to move on with their life. Then they confronted their spouse and told them everything that hurt them (ie. the husband of the aformentioned woman treated her the way her abusive stepfather had treated her, so it was a double whammy)

I didn't watch the end so this little story is sort of anti-climactic, but I wanted to share that with everyone having spousal problems. It seems intriguing to approach a marital problem by starting with the individual and working outward from there. Very Dr. Phil-ish... anyways it seems like all relationship problems will just remain cyclic until one of the persons breaks that cycle and sets a new tone for the relationship. Hmm..I should take some of my own advice

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -H. Thurman

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