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miserable husband syndrome

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12 years 2 months ago #43907 by BabyHeartz
I don't think that sounds Dr. Phil-ish at all. I think it sounds very sensible.

You know what I just realized today? DH and DS are away for the week visiting relatives in another state... so I had some free time and started scribbling away in my journal (which I normally never even think to do!) I realized that the statements I make to myself about feelings for this "other" guy are similar to the statements I make to myself about specializing in surgery:

"Gee, I know what I want right now, and I know what feels like it will make me happy... but I'm just scared I'll regret it because of the sacrifices.."

Now what sense does that make? Sounds like a pretty "chicken" take on life to me. Or should I say, "turkey?" Okay that was lame. Obviously I need some companionship. Have a happy holiday all.

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12 years 2 months ago #43908 by Melmc

Originally posted by premed mom:
I watched part of this special on TLC called Marriage boot camp. The premise was three high school sweetheart couples that had been married for a few years were having serious problems in their relationship. It was amazing hearing these couples' stories (physical, emotional, drug abuse etc.) and watching them transform before my eyes.

The directors of the boot camp program had a strategy that went something like this:
They believe that everyone comes into a relationship with baggage (duh!) and so when a relationship goes south, it is important to not work on the relationship...instead, work on improving YOURSELF as an individual.

Although I could never begin to wrap my mind around how much more difficult it would be if physical, emotional, or drug abuse were involved in my relationship, I do agree on the idea that the Bootcamp is supporting--work on yourself first. This is a notion I have spent a great deal of effort considering. And although I cannot say it has provided me all the answers, it is definitly a necessary first step.

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12 years 2 months ago #43909 by mumble*
I agree with that. I am reading Dr. Phil's 'Family First'. It's great lets you discover yourself and start make changes in the house even if other people/husbands don't have a clue about your newly found philosophy!

I think it's a great book but needs lot of sit down time which I have since Iam still on the job hunt phase.

Your children may not be listening to you but they are watching you very closely

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12 years 2 months ago #43910 by BabyHeartz
I think....

Wow, this will be the first time I have "said" it out loud. But I really think it is time for a change.. that is, a divorce.

I have recently realized that I have taken on so much, that I have allowed everthing to suffer. DH's constant, vicious stream of insults is only worsening my ability to handle it all. I already feel enough of a failure for not being able to "give it my all" at school OR work, each because of the other. But I am a person who easily creates self-fulfilling prophecies based on the feedback I get from those around me. So hearing things such as, "wow, you really are a terrible human being" because I'm unable to go to the grocery store is clearly not helping me get things together. (No joke, he really said that.) It's scary, and there are a few things I need to address first, but I really think this is it. Funny thing is, I'm not even really dreading it... just the financial strain that I'm sure it will impose, as well as all the "homework" I will have to do, knowing next to nothing about divorce. I'm going to finish out this semester, and try to get a better feeling about what is going on at work (I have had a lot of trouble lately because I'm a bit of a walking zombie when I'm there, and don't have the chance to read journals, etc. as much as I should, because of premed classes/homework and trying to squeeze in family time/sleep. As a result, I have been "pulled aside" by one of the higher ups and "asked if everything is OK..." Clearly, it is not...)

As I've stated in my other posts, I KNOW I don't have the appropriate time to put in as a dutiful wife at this point in my life. I'd expect a little negativity as a result. But this is ridiculous and has gone too far, because I know I'm trying my best. I don't want to lay the blame anywhere it isn't due, but I can't help but feel that my husband treating me that way has caused my performance as a nurse/student/functional member of society to decline! ugh!

On that note, anyone know of any single moms in med school? Anyone been through the divorce process?

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12 years 2 months ago #43911 by BabyHeartz
Forgot to mention that DH has also been drinking pretty excessively lately, which worries me b/c he has a family hx of alcoholism. He's not a mean drunk by any stretch, if anything, it makes him more tolerable and friendlier (for now!) But for instance, this week, because he was "bored while I was studying or at work," he downed an entire 12-pack of beer in one sitting, three times (yup, that's three 12-packs.) I told him I feel that this is another version of guilt-tripping, as in "see, I'm so lonely and in need, that I'm driven to drink." He denies this, but I still think it is, and don't feel I'm responsible for his choice to do something so damaging, regardless of how "lonely and depressed" I make him. Just needed to vent again! Being able to vent on here is really helping me concentrate on studying in between times =)

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12 years 1 month ago #43912 by sisriver
BabyHeartz
I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't want to wish it on anyone.

But you need to take care of yourself. And it sounds like maybe you are finally headed in that direction. When you feel better, you will see things more clearly.

I've been separated for 2yrs, the divorce isn't final yet. But it is going better for us, much better.

My advice, if you choose to go ahead, is to separate, ask for separation. that way, you can see how you feel away from him before you talk about divorce. YOu can see if he is able to pull himself up, or on the other hand if he continues to manipulate. And you can work on your own individual issues.

My sense from your posts is that he is emotionally abusive, and that you have not seen it because it is often couched in jokes and excuses. And that you probably need to learn an awareness of your own emotional boundaries, something that wouldve been shaped in your childhood. (This is just like me)

We at MomMD want to support you in whatever happens, so things are best for you and your child, for your wellbeing.

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