× Family & Parenting

miserable husband syndrome

11 years 11 months ago #43913 by BabyHeartz
Thanks so much Sisriver. I'm not sure how we would swing it; we just bought a house a few months ago. His parents are in the area, and I don't think he could afford our house payments on his income alone (although I could afford it on mine.) But I don't imagine I'd have ANY luck getting him to move out. I can just hear him saying, if it's so bad, then why don't YOU get an apartment.. etc...?! The real bummer is we got such a good deal on our house using the first-time buyers' program in our area, which I'm not sure I'd ever be able to use again now.

We actually had a pretty nice evening together last night.. but (I'm going to be a dork and use a medical analogy here) continuing to do nothing because of those calm/quiet times is much like not sedating your intubated patient.. sure, they are calm for thirty seconds, but you just know they are eventually going to yank that ET tube out if you don't get on the stick and be pro-active! What I mean is, I feel that I have spent such a long time being convinced that "everything is OK" because of those intermittent good times. Since having multiple serious discussions in which "fix it or forget it" has been the overriding theme, I see now that presenting the reality of breaking up might be the only way for him to change.

I'm going to wait until after the holidays though. I know if he was out of the picture right now, all I'd be able to think was, "aaaahhh... downtime..." *climbs in the tub with a book and box of bon-bons* LOL so in other words, of COURSE I wouldn' miss him, at least not right now!

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11 years 11 months ago #43914 by premed mom
Babyheartz- I am sorry to hear that things have not gotten much better. Hopefully your husband will wake up when he realizes it might be over and try to work on things with you. Just keep your head up and stay strong, and feel free to vent any time you need to!

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -H. Thurman

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11 years 11 months ago #43915 by sisriver
What we did is not easy, but helped immensely with the transition -- Nesting.
where you keep your child/children in the house and the parents move in and out.
We got an aptmt 6 blocks away, and traded off. It made things so much easier for the kids. One could be critical of it, that it confuses things, because it is sort of in between being fully separated and being married. Also, I think it was much harder for me, becuase it left so much room for the difficulties in the relationship that were keeping me down to continue (there's still a lot of room for manipulation with this).
But it definitely kept room for a sort of friendship between us, and smoothness wtih the kids.
We didn't work out the finances until later. Basically he just had to pay for his own expenses during that time, but it was a good beginning for him to begin to stand on his own feet financially. And I was learning about my own feet in other ways, domestic and emotional things.

Actually, there is another contributer to this website, Sweet, who has written about her own 2 yr separation and then getting back together with her husband. so I found strength in that, that it could go either way, that the separation was an exploration.

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11 years 11 months ago #43916 by BabyHeartz
I think we'd almost have to do something like nesting, although we live in the subburbs in a townhouse and rented properties are very hard to come by. Honestly it isn't to the point where we can't tolerate each other's company, etc.. nor do I think it would reach that point, but I understand it's mandatory to live apart in most states before a divorce can take place.

I don't see any reason the whole thing would become hostile- anger isn't an issue, we are both fairly mild-tempered and never really have true "fights". I have to admit things are feeling a bit rosier right now, but I know I will feel so much better if I have the hows and when's worked out, in case things get bad/worse again. I'm surprised about how many momMD-ers have had temporary separations only to get back together! Maybe it's a medical thing? When I think of other family and friends, the vast majority who have separated have eventually divorced without getting back together in the mean time. It gives me at least a little hope.. certainly many of you have been through more stressful marriage situations than this!

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11 years 8 months ago #43917 by doctormom
It's been awhile since I started this thread.. Guess what...my husband is still misearable! It's helpful to read this mommd support and to know I"m not the only one dealing with relationship issues.

The big change for me since starting this post is that I've finally become less of a doormat.

I've finally let my miserable hubbie own his emotions. I've been very clear with him that I'm not his dumping ground anymore and am not responsible for his happiness. Seems like the more I check him on it, the better he feels...maybe a bit of a reality check for the pity party he has been in.

The phrase "distinguishing loving acts of selflessness from helpful acts of selfishness" was HUGELY helpful for me. I've been the giver and he's been the taker for as long as we've been together. I've told him to leave if he was so miserable that he couldn't stay. I'm no longer afraid that I'll be a failure if my helpful but selfish partner and I go our own ways. Thanks for the ongoing discussions.

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11 years 7 months ago #43918 by francesca'smom
Hi everyone. Doctormom-so glad to read your update and hear you are growing and taking care of yourself in the relationship. I'd love to hear how babyheartz and sisriver and everyone else is doing. I have been up and down myself. Often feeling unloved, hopeless. Other times thinking it's all matter of interpretation and expectation and that someone less needy than me could find my asperger-like husband loving. In the center of it all, as always, is my desire to protect my daughter from divorce and do whatever is needed to give her the most stable happy life I can.

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