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miserable husband syndrome

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12 years 1 month ago #43859 by BabyHeartz
Thanks, Sweet, I always find your posts so thought provoking and insightful. What you said about your husband not knowing what he really wanted and going the route of instant gratification definitely rings true for mine as well. We were also married young (20) and sometimes I wonder if this in itself serves as a source of doubt in these later years. In tough times, it's easy to say, "well, I was young, maybe I made a mistake...?"

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12 years 1 month ago #43860 by Melmc
BabyHeartz and Sweet,
I just have to say how encouraging both of your posts have been for me. I've been following this thread, often with a variety of things to add and/or agree with, but my situation has been so intensely difficult that I can hardly begin to write a post about it. It is comforting though to know that my thoughts and feelings on my situation are not completely crazy or unreasonable.
My husband and I were young as well when we married, and we have been through a great deal of growth over the last years while we both completed undergrad and then moved away from his family for me to go to med school. Unfortunately, much of our individual growth has not been in-sync, and has not brought us closer through the trials, but rather, tends to call into question our long-term compatibility.
Well, again, thanks for your posts. Perhaps I'll have the time and energy to put more down into words later. But for now, know that we're all in this together, and that even though these are hard questions to ask, life is definitely not any easier if we ignore them.
:grouphug:
Melmc

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12 years 1 month ago #43861 by BabyHeartz
Hey Melmc,

Very true, what you said about life not being easier if we ignore these issues. Odd as it may sound, I'm actually grateful that I'm "with it" enough to consider the options, even if it hurts.. I think we all should be!

If you ever want to talk, let me know!

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12 years 1 month ago #43862 by francesca'smom
Appreciate reading everyone's posts. What a nice community. I am feeling disheartened to say the last about my own marriage-the worst part is that I've been so angry at him for so long (years) that it's hard to dig up any other emotion. I know it's starting to neg affect my dgtr and I just cannot imagine staying with him. He is a formerly sahd who like sisrivers thought he knew everything about raising our dgtr and tried to squeeze me out while reaping praise from everyone and being given slack when doing things a mother would never be excused for (forgeting drs appts for vaccines, not getting her dressed until noon, ice cream for breakfast, etc.) But more than that, he's just cold and unsupportive. I think he has high functioning Aspergers Syndrome, and that his parents do too. They are all very cold and analytical, very intelligent-analytically, but socially incrediblyinept-and not in a charming way. They don't bother with the smallest of courtesies (please,thank you, gesundheit,nice haircut) or support you in sorrow or celebrate your joy. He is not comfortable making eye contact, hugging, holding hands, etc and I've long ago (again we're talking years) given up on trying. We've been to therapy briefly with no positive effect-he just doesn't get touched by it or by anything. i've kicked him out a million times-usually he refuses to leave or sleeps in his car and I lethim back the next morning. Why? Our daughter loves him to death-he is much better with her (and also with other children, and animals too) and often tried to get me to sit with him or talk nicely to him. I know she wants 2 parents who are together forever and love each other and love her and provide stability. I want so much to give that toher. I'm old enough to know that plenty of things that bother me about him are common in most men, and/or most relationships ultimately, so it's not like I'd find someone "better." I've read a ton of books on relationships, been to individual therapy as well as the couples, without coming up with an answer. Or maybe I just don't want to see it. I wish I was as Brave as Sweet.....But on the other hand, to spend my life in this frigid environment, which I know he cannot change... Sorry to go on so long. I'd so appreciate any advice,input or similar experiences. Thanks so much.

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12 years 1 month ago #43863 by sisriver
Dear francesca'smom, Your situation sounds so similar to mine! What I hear in your post is that you are starving for companionship. I think you need to go right back to individual counseling, with someone who validates you (don't settle for the first counselor if not good). I see the idea of separation as a good thing, because then you will find out if you feel better or not. And I don't like that you are allowing him the excuse of possibly having Aspergers - I find his behavior emotionally neglectful, if not abusive.

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12 years 4 weeks ago #43864 by francesca'smom
Thanks sisriver. I do often think our situations are similar when I read your posts. Another thins I always resent is that everyone give him dad presents-statues of baby and dad-nice framed photos of him and the baby, which all end up displayed prominently. Despite having nursed for 22 months, co-slept, not to mention carried for 9 months!, I feel invisible. A twist on the Handmaiden's Tale. This whole SAHD thing is becoming so common and at least for some of us really has it's own pitfalls. I don't know if I'm excusing him by diagnosing him or just trying to explain how/why someone (and their parents)would behave this way. You're right I need to get myself back to a good therapist. Take care.

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