× Family & Parenting

miserable husband syndrome

More
12 years 1 month ago #43865 by sisriver
What I've decided is that all that praise, in my situation at least and possibly in yours, can help him continue to take advantage of the situation. Much of the praise comes from his family, and from mine, so it has become part of the emotional abuse. (What if you substituted Emotional-Abuse, for Aspergers? how would that fit?)
It's taken me years to try and understand this.

Now for the last 2 yrs we've lived 6 blocks apart, and I am becoming visible again, but it hasn't been easy. It took 1 1/2 yrs separation for him to become employed, and things got so much better then. Because he can get validation thru work, and doesn't have to soak it up from the children like before. So I am needed in their lives now. I think it's been so important - my oldest started middle school this fall; And he needs a visible mother.

There are several at-home dads in my neighborhood. Sometimes I wonder if it'll work out over the longrun for them. One thing I think I see is that the woman has to really like her work, and get fulfillment from it. Another thing is that she still needs to be able to call alot of the shots, and have the kids turned over to her when she is at home. Also, I think the husband has to keep a hand in the working world or something that interests him outside of the children, possibly just a plan to go back to work when they are in school. THese are just my own observations.

There is another mom (nonphysician, computers expert) a few blocks over who this didn't work out for - with her second pregnancy (she had twins second time around) she told her husband it was her turn to stay home. He still hasn't found fulltime employment after 2yrs, and they have had a lot of financial and marital stress, but it seems like things are getting better slowly and she is still at home with the twins.

Let me know if you want to PM, now or in the future.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 1 month ago #43866 by Baby Einstein
I find it very interesting that several of you are having or had trouble with the SAHD arrangement. I only know of 2 SAHDs in my neighborhood, and both of them are relatively happy but one is looking for work again and has started his youngest (2 yo) in preschool. It seems to be more of a problem with him personally (his career and personal fulfillment) than with his marriage.

Having dad stay at home is also our tentative plan in the distant future (8 years from now at the earliest - so the kids will all be in school most likely). What do you think couples need to do to make it work? Anything you wish you had done differently? Anything to prevent being squeezed out of your parental role? Thank you in advance for your insights.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 1 month ago #43867 by BabyHeartz
Hi Fransesca'smom...
*Hugs* wow, that is rough... sorry that you're going through all that, although unfortunately it sounds like its been going on awhile...

My 2 cents on the situation: Your DH's behavior is NOT acceptable. Asberger's or not, 1) you deserve a supportive and loving partner 2) your daughter may love him as a dad/buddy, but it may be difficult to convey an example of a healthy relationship to her in the situation you're in. It would be horribly sad if she subconsciously filed away the idea that it was okay for dads to treat moms that way, as long as they love their kiddos...

I don't mean for that to sound so condescending. God knows it sounds like most of us on this thread have been in similarly tight spots.

As for me, I have pretty much reached the conclusion that if I ever reach a point where I'm consistently saying, "I don't love him, I'm not attracted to him, I'd willingly go off with so-and-so if the opportunity arose," on good days as well as bad, and not just after a fight... that's when I'd know it was time to call it quits. Not to say that's the right criteria for everyone, but it sounds like maybe you've been in that place for awhile..?

I was talking to a doc that I've recently gotten to know. She is always talking about all the fun stuff she and her husband do, conversations they've had, etc. Yet I happen to know that she has a hellatious call/work schedule.Without thinking, I blurted out, "Wow! you're really lucky to have such a great marriage in this field!" She answered, "Well, yeah.. it definitely helps that he's in the same boat." When I asked if he was a doc, too, she gave me this weird look, laughed, and said... "Uhm.. yeah.. you think we'd actually have managed to stay married through all this if he WASN'T!?"

Disheartening, yet interesting point.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 1 month ago #43868 by sisriver
Well, I do think there has to be understanding/validation/intellectual connection - a feeling that you are trying to get the your family/marriage boat to the same destination. Maybe being married to another physician helps in that connection.

I should preface that I think there were problems in my marriage before we ventured into the SAHD situation, but I didn't realize it and this brought me way down.

I think that I wouldn't see SAHD as a final solution. That it is negotiable from year to year, or pregnancy to pregnancy. So dad can't lose all contacts with employment/reemployment and have all his eggs in your basket. Because you don't know how you will change and grow until you become a parent/mother, sometimes this doesn't happen until after the 2nd child. THe previously invisible at-home life becomes apparent then, and it might seem very appealing to some - the opportunity to learn and grow at home with your child, instead of at work. And if work hasn't been all that great (my situation) it is an incredible stress to leave your infant, and feel that you are doing suboptimal mothering in order to go to a job you don't like.

There are different parenting styles too. Whose style do you go with? Mom's approach can get left behind if she's only around the children for an hour or two on workday evenings. This is a difference, I've found, between having dad at home and having a sitter. A sitter gives a report, and accepts a list/agenda.

I will think about this some more.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 1 month ago #43869 by Melmc

Originally posted by BabyHeartz:
As for me, I have pretty much reached the conclusion that if I ever reach a point where I'm consistently saying, "I don't love him, I'm not attracted to him, I'd willingly go off with so-and-so if the opportunity arose," on good days as well as bad, and not just after a fight... that's when I'd know it was time to call it quits.

Wow, that statement really hits close to home for me… sigh, I just have such a hard time calling it quits. I keep thinking… maybe if I just wait a little longer, till after the next hurdle (graduation, relocation, intern year, residency, babies, etc), things will get better.

Originally posted by BabyHeartz:
I was talking to a doc that I've recently gotten to know. She is always talking about all the fun stuff she and her husband do, conversations they've had, etc. Yet I happen to know that she has a hellatious call/work schedule. Without thinking, I blurted out, "Wow! you're really lucky to have such a great marriage in this field!" She answered, "Well, yeah.. it definitely helps that he's in the same boat." When I asked if he was a doc, too, she gave me this weird look, laughed, and said... "Uhm.. yeah.. you think we'd actually have managed to stay married through all this if he WASN'T!?"
Disheartening, yet interesting point.

For a long time, (the years before med school and throughout most of MS1 and MS2 years,) I was a strong proponent for spouses outside of the medical profession. I would get in lively debates over the matter, thinking that my single friends who insisted that they would only marry another doctor were being narrow-minded. But since MS3 year, I’ve genuinely begun to wonder if my argument was all wrong…

Originally posted by sisriver:
Well, I do think there has to be understanding/validation/intellectual connection - a feeling that you are trying to get the your family/marriage boat to the same destination. Maybe being married to another physician helps in that connection.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Over the last couple of years, I’ve really come to find out how vital the “understanding/ validation/ intellectual connection” is, and where I never felt it lacking prior to beginning my medical training, my husband and I have grown personally at such different speeds, now I feel that it is severely lacking… How will I ever know if this is the time to just “suck it up” and brace myself through another “normal” trial of marriage, or whether it is truly time to move on. :confused:

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 1 month ago #43870 by sisriver
I'm sorry Melmc. Couples and/or individual counseling would help.

I never felt that I needed to be paired with a physician. Maybe I even wanted to prove it - and maybe that made me overlook the intellectual aspect of our relationship. I always felt like I learned so much about life from my husband. But this too can become an abuse thing, in my case where I became subordinate to his expertise, even with my advanced degree, advanced position, fully (financially) supporting our family.

I think that marriage in our current times can become lopsided like this, and need renegotiation, as has been recommended by another poster in this site. There is opportunity for one partner to become dominant by controlling at home, or by controlling through finances. Blind love and acceptance doesn't allow one to see this happening.

Separation allowed me to see that I felt better outside of our marriage. (if I can say, that I was dying within the marriage)

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Moderators: TexasRoseefex101mommd2b
Time to create page: 0.232 seconds
Find us on Facebook!
Find us on Twitter!
Find us on Pinterest!