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miserable husband syndrome

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12 years 1 month ago #43877 by premed mom
Sweet, that is a really good point. I see my fiance and I in that same boat. I am so good at doing everything that he likes and I know exactly what makes him happy, which is why despite balancing everything else on my plate, I always make sure to do those things every week for him. Yet, even though I have told him a million times what I like (just a LITTLE time to myself and a LITTLE help around the house) he still just doesnt get it! He will do one thing and then refer back to it for a month when I say he never does what I ask. Ugh, very stressful, and I worry that we have this in our relationship and we're not even married yet...

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -H. Thurman

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12 years 1 month ago #43878 by francesca'smom
It just seems like we all have the same problems in our relationships except the very rare few, and some women excuse the lack of loving behaviors and some women say they are intolerable. I read a study once that said the difference between women who said they were happy in their marriage versus those who were not all boiled down to lower expectations made for a happier marriage!

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12 years 1 month ago #43879 by sisriver
"distinguishing loving acts of selflessness from helpful acts of selfishness" thank you Sweet.

I haven't taken any of these happenings in my marriage lightly. It hasn't been a matter of thinking there is someone better. It has been discovering, through counseling, that my depression (including postpartum depression) has been directly linked to my marriage. That right now being alone is healthier for me, and therefore for my children.

For me it isn't happy vs unhappy marriage. It feels like there is no choice, like separating is the only way for me to go on.

His being an at-home dad pulled the bottom out. This is just my own experience.

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12 years 1 month ago #43880 by mommd2b

Originally posted by francesca'smom:
I read a study once that said the difference between women who said they were happy in their marriage versus those who were not all boiled down to lower expectations made for a happier marriage!

:p

I think we all enter into marriage with an idea of how it is "supposed to be". I know that for me, that image pretty much blew up in my face because residency, fellowship and then the first 2 years post-training were so stressful. There were many times when I thought "this is not how it is supposed to be" and I did consider leaving.

My expectations were pretty high and....accepting the reality of our marriage and situation at that time was a real....down time for me. I wouldn't say that I lowered my expectations to become happier in my marriage. I think that I began to accept the situation and then look for solutions for both of us. It was a long process and I still sometimes struggle with disappointment or difficulty. Certainly, I imagined things differently. The reality is that my husband is imperfect....like I am...and that we both make our mistakes.

Not every marriage should be saved, of course...I'm not saying that my experience can be generalized to fit anyone elses....just that it might not be lowered expectations...just acceptance of the fact that two people with a deep connection are doing the best that they can to survive difficult times together.

kris

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

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12 years 1 month ago #43881 by BabyHeartz
Sweet, your post really hit home for me! I think that my husband and I are very "disjuct" in that way- he often does not show love in the way that I need (study time with no guilt, being nice to me even though I'm late coming home... again) and consequently, I do not always love him in the way that he needs to be loved (since I already have it in my head that he's "mad at me" for coming home late after a day full of codes, I'll sit next to him and sulk without even testing the waters)

I am sure we both recognize what the other wants and needs, but it's just a matter of overcoming those selfish moments.

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12 years 1 month ago #43882 by Melmc
Hello all, I know this may be one of those questions with no true answer, but this thread has been amazing and I thought someone might have some input... so here goes..

I was wondering if those of you with children could provide any wisdom and/or recommendations concerning how to know when a relationship is "ready" for, or be able to handle, kids? With your "20/20 hind-sight," is there anything that you wish you had considered before having children?

Those of you who have read my other posts will know that the last two years of medical school have been pretty hard on my marriage, and I have no reservations in knowing that we are presently not in any position to bring kids into the picture. But, that being said, next to becoming a physician, having children has always been one of my (and my husband's) top priorities in life... so much so, that in light of the marriage struggles we have been discussing here, it could become a true deal-breaker for me if it becomes apparent that starting a family would be unwise in my current relationship.

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