× Family & Parenting

Want to divorce, not much support, older children

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11 years 3 months ago #45404 by RitaHayworth
If you divorce your husband, but don't have parents you can move in with or who will be especially supportive, how can you get through med school on just loans and the burden of two children (they are 12 and 16)? Ex-husband will probably just do the every other weekend thing, and doesn't get a long with my daughter particularly well.

I am applying for 09 and don't think I can hang on until I get accepted. I'm prepared to reapply for 2010 if need be because I'm only applying in state (state school loves reapplicants) and a couple other places that he would approve of me taking the children to.

Most people on this site who have mentioned being divorced seemed to be remarried, and I don't see myself getting in to that situation right away.

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11 years 3 months ago #45405 by alkatz
I am sorry you are going through this. I am on my second marriage and this one is great, so hang in there. It is never easy.

as far as getting by, do you mean financially? or emotionally? Financially you should be ok, your kids will be in school when you are, and are fairly independent so that you can study in the evenings if need be. Time wise it should work out too.

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. - Ralph W. Sockman

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11 years 3 months ago #45406 by RitaHayworth
Thanks for the response. By the time I get back from school, it will probably be about 6:00pm. I guess I can just devote 2-3 hrs in the evening till then and study after they go to bed. What I'm most worried about is the time when they get out of school. I've not worked for about 10 years so I've always been home and have heard many studies that show kids can get in to a lot of trouble between 3 and 6 when parents get home from work.

I'm also concerned about the studies mentioned in other posts that kids of divorce are disadvantaged. I think there is truth to this, but I can't see the fighting and total discouragement going on in our family for much longer. I know they are fully impacted by what they see between their parents. We try desperately not to argue in front of the kids, but they say they hear it or know about it any way.

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11 years 3 months ago #45407 by Doc201X

Originally posted by RitaHayworth:
Most people on this site who have mentioned being divorced seemed to be remarried,

Yeah, but that doesn't mean they're gonna stay that way (and yeah, I could very well be talking about me :eek: ) .....................Anyhoo, I digress.

I suggest that you delay matriculating in med school until 2010 and do the following:

1) Get a job ASAP and put away as much money as you can.

2) Get your kids involved in after school activities to keep them occupied. All kids don't get in trouble when left home alone. I was a latch key kid since I was 8 years old and I never once got into any trouble. OTOH, as a parent there's no way possible for you to be there with them all the time anyway so you'll have to rely on the fact that you raised them right and that you've taught them to do the right thing when you're not around.

3) Start talking to your kids NOW about the changes that may come in the future. Start giving them opportunities to be responsible which will also make you feel better about them being at home alone. For example, go some place close to your house and stay for a few hours, checking in on them every hour.

4) Get a job ASAP and put away as much money as you can.

Best of luck! You can do it!

My Scientist/Physician Journey
www.Doc201X.blogspot.com

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11 years 3 months ago #45408 by alkatz
I agree with path on this one. I was a latch key kid too since 9, even in the mornings too.

Activities after school are great if they can get home from them. I know they are at a scary age but if you keep communication open they should be fine.

As for divorced kids being disadvantaged, any dysfunctional home is a disadvantage. It may have more to do with how you both handle the situation. If you both are not happy and can't work things out, then your children pick up on that and have an unhealthy relationship as an example for what relationships "should" be like.

I hope you work things our for the best. My parents remained married but I often thought they shouldn't be! Not my decision though. I took their dysfunctional relationship as a model for my first. Not all kids react this way, but look at the issue from both sides before you decide either way.

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. - Ralph W. Sockman

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11 years 3 months ago #45409 by swissmiss
I absolutely agree with alkatz - my parents stayed married and I wished they didn't - I still wish they didn't and I'm almost 35 years old now! They are miserable and very difficult to deal with as an adult child. We practically have 2 sets of holidays and visits as it is because you can't interact with the two of them together.

It is definitely doable and frankly probably much easier to be in med school as a single mother of teenagers rather than babies or toddlers. Only you can sit down with your finances and know if you need time to save money or if you'll be ok with loans and I'm assuming some child support/alimony. Making it clear to the kids what will be happening and what will be expected of them is also really important (as stated above by path).

I would think that eventually (maybe not right now because teenagers are a pain in the a%$) your kids will really respect you for your strength and perseverance in this time and this will be a much better thing to model for them than sticking with a terrible marriage for whatever reason.

Best of luck with all of this.

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