× Family & Parenting

Living with in laws

11 years 2 months ago #48388 by MamaMelly
It definitely has the pros and cons. I have to say, my in laws are great. They are not evil in any way, just that we have our differences. Just wanna share my feelings here, take it out on writing.

I live with them since I got married, moved out only for 9 months, then back again with them for another year once I found out I'm pregnant (and now delivered). My hubby is the eldest and only son, with 2 younger sisters.

Nevertheless, it has helped us financially (the main reason according to hubby). And I have added security that my child is in good hands. The house has a maid, so my MIL (mother in law) has a helping hand. She doesn't have any major illness, and only 58 y.o. I do give the family some cash every month without fail to help out with the groceries, bills and maid, RM800 (the cost is almost like renting an apartment).

So...the problem...

Like I said we had our differences, some are nothing to pick fights about. Just routine things like...
- MIL likes to make sure bedroom is always looking pretty. For me as long as it's out of dust, messiness is second thing as long as it doesn't obstruct the pathway :D
- I love to cook, when I'm not tired. MIL is not that great of a cook. Good food is important to me, it keeps me ALIVE! Basically the whole family doesn't eat veggies.

Some differences though, made me worry about bringing up my child there with the family. In fact, I may say things to my child, that may offend them.

Ex: I do want my child to have good table manners, especially eat with her mouth close. You know how some people made noises. It irritates me. The whole family does that. How am I suppose to say to my child to stop smacking while eating in front of them?

And then one thing that really worries me is that they like to say 'poor this and poor that'. I have to add here that my hubby's sibblings, and hubby included is not that 'successful' through school years. I would say they are very dependent on the parents. Before I came in to the family, the sisters never knew how to ride a public bus! My hubby has low self esteem, and he tends to blame other people when he can't succeed. I think it's attributed to this 'poor this and that' attitude. I don't want my daughter not able to stand on her own.

Living together is not the best place to bring up children, I know :(

I persuaded my hubby to move out a live just the two of us. I told them (everyone) that we need to learn how to be independent, learn to live on our own, learn how hard it is. But we moved in again because I had to change work place which is farther. Even though it was my hubby's decision to move back in, my hubby 'hates' his mother. Remember, he is not that independent of a guy like I told you. Not the doted type, but I think his parents never really gave him the confidence to be so.

I love my mother, no hate ever came out of my mouth regarding her. But that doesn't mean I want my hubby and family to live with my own mother. I love her enough, and grew up with her, that I know I can take any negative part of her (like her laser tongue). But I know it would not be a good thing for my relationship with hubby. How can a 30 years old man suddenly accept and fall in love with a new mother?

So...everyone agrees I should have heart to heart talk with hubby right? Hmmm...I'm not good at talking. I tried starting one or two times, but before we got into anything deeper, I rolled back into my shell (I'm cancerian hehe). I hate and AVOID fighting.

I have a dream house to built, and have been saving money for it. My hubby is excited too, but he wants to build the house, and rent it. His idea is for us to stay at least another 5 years in the parent's house.


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11 years 2 months ago #48389 by medstudent24
I feel for you. I am almost in a similar situation. I just found out I am pregnant and thrilled but my husband's job is having layoffs right now and although he has not been hit yet, next week there will be more. We already are living off my student loans and his paychecks literally paycheck to paycheck and his family only lives 50 min away from the medical school.

He would love to move back to the small town. We both grew up there and I never wanted to move back. I don't think he ever "left" even though we have been living together for 3 years. They have the room for us and we could have 2 of the 4 bedrooms since his siblings are gone and my desk could go in their office too. His mom would cook and we would save a ton on rent since we would just need to pitch in for groceries and a little for rent. The drawback is gas for both of us driving farther and just the time spent driving. I am only 3 miles away from school now.
The point would be to save up money for the baby coming in less than 8 months and possibly stay there or in the town when the baby is born because my MIL could babysit.

I just cant see myself moving in with his parents. I know several people who have done it in the same town but I still feel embarassed like we have failed as a married couple and now as parents even though I know in my heart it is the best way to get on our feet financially for our new baby.

Nothing seems to be going the way I had dreamed...at least I am going to be a mom which is what I have wanted for a really long time.

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11 years 2 months ago #48390 by premed mom
Mama-I just had to laugh when you mentioned the lip-smacking thing. My dad does that and I never noticed, my fiance on the other hand DID notice and also pointed out when I did it. I have great manners otherwise. Anwyays, I'd say that's the least of your problems.

First, I have to ask, can you afford to live on your own? Because if you CAN and your dh still wants to live with his parents, that means he's very stingy or he's got emotional issues. It seems like a good idea to go to a couples couselor. I can't imagine a nice living environment when a couple is raising a child under the parents roof. Whose rules do you follow? How is any privacy observed? Do his parents own a mansion?! It just seems like it would be impossible for parents to mind their own business, heck ours have a hard enough time doing that and we dont share a house! You did mention that they're very nice, etc. but there are just some things that every family needs to have, and it sounds like you need your own nest to roost in, so to speak.

My fiance and I are dead broke right now, and we could definitely use a good move-in with the folks, but even if it came down to that, it would only be temporary. It seems like your dh needs to work out his issues so he can step up and provide for his family, not monetarily, but as far as getting a home, etc. Maybe you need to be the leader if he's too insecure. Just make that first step, don't be afraid to speak up. If you have trouble getting motivated just imagine your lives 10 years from now, still living under your in-laws roof. It sounds like you've already started doing that, which is why you're worried.

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -H. Thurman

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