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Divorce? ~ Modified

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11 years 3 months ago #7355 by tenger
I will do my best to keep this as brief as possible (which probably won't happen) b/c I have quite a story....

My husband and I after 5 years of marriage filled for a divorce (plus the couple separations before that). We have one daughter, who was 5 at the time. We were both immature, selfish and completely inconsiderate of each others feelings. We didn't have ANY respect either...

It was devastating. We hung onto to anger to help deal but the affect it had on our daughter was extremely horrible. She started wetting the bed again, refused to eat, cried over EVERYTHING and had what I think were mini panic attacks in the middle of the night. She would just starting crying uncontrollably and I couldn't get her to calm down since she was breathing so fast.

4 months into our divorce something wonderful happened. My husband had stopped by my house to drop off our daughter and his child support (stayed out of the courts). We were sitting on our couch, surprisingly getting along at the moment when our daughter came running in from her bedroom (remember she was only 5). She said if we just forgave each other, loved each other, forget about everything and put God first we could be married again. She then quickly ran back to her room....

We both looked at each other and began to cry...it all hit us at once what our foolish actions had done to our child. Talk about instant forgiveness!! We put it all behind us, got into some good Christian counseling and we have NEVER been happier or more in love! Ya, we still argue here and there, but the way we handle it is far better then we could of thought!!! We have been through a lot as a family and two 1/2 years later we are still content, secure and supportive of each other! It wasn't always easy, but it's worth the work. We had to put EVERYTHING else aside and focused just on our family. I know you said you just finished med school so your situation is a bit different but know that there is always hope!!

Looking back I could only imagine the devastation it would have had on our little girl. She has such a sweet spirit and big heart and if we kept up what we were doing WE would have been responsible for crushing it all. She is JUST getting over things from back then. She still gets really upset every time we disagree about something little, not even an argument!!

If for whatever reason things don't work out, it's not the end of the world. While I believe that it IS possible to save ANY marriage sometimes it doesn't work out. My parents divorced when I was 1. But my parents made a promise to one another, a commitment that regardless of their issues, they would still put me first, no matter what!! To this day every holiday, every special event in the family both of them are there and my mom is remarried. Because of their cooperation with each other I didn't suffer near as much as if they refused to get along at all.

I agree with aurora...pray about it and seek counseling yourself, even if he isn't willing at first. And hopefully he will see your efforts as a sign you truly care about your marriage, despite your busy schedules or distracted attention (which was a couple issues we had and I'm only speculating..) and he may just come around!!

Good luck, keep moving forward and take it one step at a time!!

PS
We dealt with cheating, getting another woman pregnant, lying, major verbal abuse...just to name a few...and we STILL managed to work things out!! He has a son now who is going to be 2 and I love my husband for wanting to be a part of his life and I support him in it 100%. No pain or forgiveness exists anymore on my part...a total change in comparison to want I was before. I gave this example just so you could see that our divorce wasn't just from not getting along..we had some major issues and through a good counselor, good biblical principles and open hearts willing to make things work...we made it!! And in the end are even more happy then ever before!!!

"Doubt is a halfway point between faith and unbelief"

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11 years 3 months ago #7356 by tenger
Oh-one more thing...(sorry so much)

We went back and forth on who wanted to go to counseling. First, I wanted to go and he refused. Then, he wanted to go and I refused...etc..

It took us being slapped in the face with reality to go and do what needed to happen.

...and in the last paragraph I wrote "No pain or forgiveness.." I meant to write forgiveness!!

"Doubt is a halfway point between faith and unbelief"

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11 years 3 months ago #7357 by LadyMD
Ladies,

Thank you all for sharing your stories and giving advice. Hearing your stories and giving myself a few days to think has helped me to put things in perspective. Your stories (especially yours Tenger) give me hope that our marriage can be saved.

I am trying to choose a counselor to attend. I need to get this resolved so that both my son and I can move on with our lives, even if this means moving on without my husband.

I'll be sure to let you know what happens!

Thanks again!

CJ

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11 years 3 months ago #7358 by HAM
In the midst of my medical school I too thought I was unhappy in my marriage and almost ended it. My son was 2 at the time. I was stressed and overwhelmed with the balance of school and family. I recommend you wait until you are done with your training. One of the unfortunate consequences of a stressful work situation is repercussions at home. Since I decided and accepted that it was likely secondary to stress, my marriage improved dramatically and I am more in love with my husband today than ever before. Marriage is work. One of my friends told me one thing that helped me: during a marriage you'll go through periods where you don't like your spouse. Yet while you have these feelings, they'll support you and keep you through the rough patches and love you more to hold it together. Then there will be periods where your spouse doesn't like you very much and you'll do the same. Marriage is never easy.

I don't know if that helps but. . .

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11 years 3 months ago #7359 by mamabear
CJ --

Sorry to hear how challenging things are right now.

I am a married pre-med mom of a 2 year old and my hubby and I have had big ups and downs since I was preggers.

I don't know your religious background, but in case Christian principles don't necessarily appeal to you, look into nonviolent communication as a practical approach to communicating with your husband. Regardless of what you uncover in counseling about yourself and your feelings about your marriage, if you can move towards nonviolent communication, any negotiation, be it for the saving of the marriage or for the divorce will benefit. My husband and I "discovered" NVC in a parenting course -- you will find it immensely helpful with your son, too.

In a clumsy nutshell, nonviolent communication is about trying to observe and reflect on the situation to try to understand the unmet needs of the other (reflected in their emotional response) before trying to express and get your own needs met. It's a tremendous shift in how to communicate, but when done successfully and regularly, you will find yourself becoming less emotionally reactive/defensive and this will be true of who you are speaking to because they will feel your empathy and attempt in trying to understand before insisting on being understood.

My hubby and I have been working towards this, but usually one of us is in a more secure place to do it than the other. Good news is that when even just one of us can start this type of communication, what might have turned into a fight turns into an opportunity of increased understanding and intimacy.

Best of luck to you,
mamabear

"To see a world in a grain of sand,<br />And a heaven in a wild flower,<br />Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,<br />And eternity in an hour." - William Blake

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11 years 3 months ago #7360 by HAM
I don't know if you read stuff online but I read this a couple weeks ago and loved it. Its probably hard to imagine right now but FYI.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/5-things-super-happy-couples-eve ry-day

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