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single, pregnant and applying

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3 years 10 months ago #96123 by stia
I've tried to write this a million times, but no matter how I try it doesn't sound right and it's all too long. So forgive me in advance for how long this post is. And please, don't tear into me...I'm just trying to talk this out...

I'm applying to med school. I think I have a good shot of getting in. I'm just starting to get interviews.
And I'm 10 weeks pregnant.
The father and I were good friends. We started sleeping together knowing we probably wouldn't be together much longer since we didn't know where either of us would end up for med school. But it was okay. It was one of those things were we intuitively understood each other, like we'd known each other from somewhere before. I cared for him and I felt he cared for me. We'd agreed to be what we were, to support each other for the time we had, and enjoy our lives after so much hard work. I trusted him and I was happy.
Then I got pregnant.
We found out in October. He was solid and stuck by me for about a week. Then he snapped. Told me he couldn't do it, didn't want to be with me, didn't love me (he'd told me he did) and bailed. I haven't heard from him in weeks.
My friends know. My parents know.
My parents would support me no matter what I choose, but of course they're concerned about me making it through medical school as a single mom. And we don't even know where I'll end up (I applied all over), so they're concerned they won't be able to be there for me when I need help.
My mother wants me to protect the future I've worked so hard for. I've told her nothing, absolutely nothing, will stop me from becoming a doctor. My father reminds me that I'll be choosing a very difficult life; do-able, but difficult. And I have a choice. But at the same time, they get it. They had me when they were young and stupid. Divorced when I was 2, found more "stable" relationships, had more kids and then realized that money and age and "stability" doesn't necessarily make relationships any easier. Relationships and raising kids is hard no matter what.
I have 6 younger brothers and sisters. I've been changing diapers and putting babies to sleep my whole life. One brother was severely disabled. At 12 I was crushing up pills to add to his feeding tube while watching my two other brothers and baby sister too. I'm not saying I know what its like to be a mom, much less a single, working mom. I'm just saying I'm not totally naive to the nitty gritty of what being a mom entails.

I don't know what to do.
I know this situation is fucked up but what if I don't get another chance? What if I don't meet the right person? What if the pieces don't come together. I'm non-traditional. I'm 26 years old. By the time I get out I'll be 30-something? Then before you know it your late-30s and fertility drops off. God, I don't want that. Honesty, I never saw myself waiting till residency to have a kid. But planning a child in medical school is so tough: finding a partner, planning it out, morning sickness during your exams? I know it sounds crazy but I always did imagine, however naively, that maybe, for me and my values, having a kid before med school would be good. Defer a year, max out my loans and have some live-in, abuelita help me raise it? First two years are pre-clinical. I could stay home and study, I don't need to go to lectures, just exams...By clinical years the kid's in pre-schoool...would it be so bad? At the end of the day, when I ask myself what's more important to me: having a child or having a long-term partner when I'm older? Honestly, if I had to choose, the answer is simple: I'd choose a child.

The converse is this: The other day a friend reminded me that I've had to overcome a lot to get where I am. Now I finally have a chance to relax a little and enjoy my life as an adult without having to struggle so hard and having this kid will take all of that away. He wants me to give myself a chance to live and grow and heal after everything I've been through. He's right: I've been fighting and working through so much and I'm finally at this huge point in my life where it's gona pay off, where I really was finally starting to heal and now this lands in my path. Am I robbing myself of a crucial opportunity to grow and live? Will juggling a child and medical school break me? Am I robbing myself of a healthier, happier version of me in the future? A version of me that would be a better mom? A version of me that has a loving partner? Or else at least a committed and devoted father?

I've been going round in my head for weeks. Then last Thursday I started bleeding and had to go to the ER. They did an ultrasound to check the baby.....and despite all my pain and worry and fear...I felt my heart surge and this huge smile forming on my face...I tried not to show my emotion because I didn't want my mom to see that...I was happy....but I couldn't help it. This little thing. This tiny flashing light. The heartbeat of this tiny thing inside me. I know it sounds so corny but it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

But it could just be hormones, right?

Two times I've planned abortion appointments but could never get myself to go. Between the morning sickness and the emotional bewilderment, I just couldn't do it. I know my situation is so screwed up. I know having this baby will make my life so much harder than it needs to be. I know I'd be a better mom if I gave myself the chance to grow and heal just a little bit longer.... My head knows...but my heart just feels so much...worry and fear.....and anger at being so betrayed someone I thought cared for me....I can't make sense of it. I can't see clearly. Normally I can hear my inner voice with such clarity, but right now...all I hear is static.

I don't know exactly what I'm asking you guys...I'm just hoping someone will say something that resonates with me somehow, strikes something true in me and shines a little light on my inner compass...Please don't tear into me. I know the time I have to make a decision is winding down and I'm doing the best that I can to make the right decision for me and my future...any words of support or advise you can give me...I'd be grateful.

sita
The following user(s) said Thank You: Cara Linda

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3 years 10 months ago #96124 by sahmd
(((hugs))) I don't have any advice, and I don't even have anything to add to what you have already considered. I don't think there is anything wrong with deferring a medical school acceptance. By the time you actually have to start school, you will have an idea how much support you will have and what your baby's needs are.

I hope everything works out for the best.

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3 years 10 months ago #96126 by Cara Linda
I was very moved by your message.

I'm a single mother, I'm 27, my daughter is 5. I'm a chemistry student. It's hard, it's hard because people don't always understand or let me live and it's a struggle to raise my child the way I want , This reagion of France is very wacked .

The only thing I can tell you is follow your heart! This is a tough decision because is not only you. I don't regreat having Melina, but I know women that get tired and overwhelmend and let go of their children blaming then for the loss of their dreams, beauty, time, whatever.
I believe a child can be motor to go forward. It was for me!

I can see you are very honest with yourself and your feelings so I'm sure that no matter the outcome it will turn out just fine!

Lots and lots of hugs and kisses

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3 years 9 months ago - 3 years 9 months ago #96173 by OHM77
Hello Stia,

I hope you are doing better by now. Life is hard no matter what. I am and was a single mother of three wonderful, beautiful, etc children that went through medical school and is now in my second year of residency and still single. It was doable for me and for my friend who had her son in her 2nd year of medical school. She ended up working things out with her son's father and she had her daughter between her 3rd and 4th year of medical school and matched into internal medicine.

I say go for it. I remember staying up with my daughter and studying while breastfeeding. For me my children were my driving force. I couldn't finish nursing school due to problems relationship problems but I was able to graduate from a good medical school and match into one of the good residency in California. My children drove me to push when I felt I had nothing left. You have already endured a lot and I pray that you go for it.

Realizing the dream I deferred.
Last Edit: 3 years 9 months ago by OHM77. Reason: wrong person

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3 years 9 months ago #96179 by stia
i got the abortion...
...three weeks ago...
and i found out i got accepted to med school the very next day...
I feel horrible...
i feel like i was backed into a corner....i realize now, in retrospect, i let the fears and beliefs and expectations of everyone around me scare me...i realize now how badly i wanted to have that child...i feel like an idiot and a weak person for letting myself be pressured and persuaded into something I didn't really want to do....but i didn't know what to do...my mother told me I was gona ruin my life, that the father would make my life hell if he came after me wanting custody or something.....the father- he still hasn't spoken to me....he doesn't even know I got it done....
you know...i've always been pro-choice, and I always will be, but when I imagined a situation in which I'd got accidentally pregnant, I never thought it would be like this...i never thought I'd want the kid...I thought I'd want an abortion and people would be pressuring me to keep it...not the other way around....i never imagined what it would be like to be young and alone and with a bright future ahead and knowing having a child would risk it all but...still want it...i never imagined the pressure I would feel when everyone around me was telling me that i was being foolish, selfish and immature for wanting to keep it...
I feel like such an idiot...i know life is hard no matter what...how could i let other people's opinions and priorities take precedent over mine? I've always been a strong-willed person. That's how I got this far...how could i let that happen? I'm so disappointed in myself...
I'm sorry...I should have gone for it. I should have believed in my own strength but instead I let fear take over me...
So foolish...now I'm just afraid of how much I want it. I'm afraid I'll never get another chance. I'm afraid I wont meet someone who wants me or wants to do this with me. I don't want to wait until after medical school. How am i going to do that now? All that fear I let control my decision...it still controls me now...I'm so stupid....
these last few weeks have been so hard...I'm afraid of how long it'll take for me to heal this...but I'm fighting every day as hard as I can. I know the worst thing I can do is give up. I gave up the chance to have this child because I thought I could give it a better life, be a better mother in the future...i know the greatest dishonor I could do to it's memory would be to let myself implode and self-destruct...i know I can't do that and I wont. I'll keep fighting to be the best and strongest person I can be, so when I am blessed with another chance- no matter the circumstances- I wont make the same mistake again...


I know I have no one to apologize to...but lately I feel the constant need to apologize...to someone, to myself...to it....I'm sorry...I wish I was stronger...I wish I heard all of your voices sooner, or louder....i wish they were enough to outweigh the fear that I felt, all the horrible things my mother told me would happen....it was only last night that I actually forgave myself for the first time...and I think you must know that, if only from my original post, that I really did try to think of everything...i really did try to make the best decision...i failed because I didn't stay true to myself, because I put practicality and the priorities of others before my own...but I know life isn't practical or logical and you can't live for anyone but yourself...

I'll never make that mistake again...
Thank you for trying to help me..

love,

s.

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3 years 9 months ago #96180 by sahmd
Thank you for sharing your update. I support your choice...even if you have a ton of mixed feelings about it. I hope that you will eventually be at peace with everything that happened.

I'm sorry you are having all these negative feelings at a time when you might otherwise have been excited to be accepted to medical school. I still want to say "Congratulations" and wish you lots of success and happiness.

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