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Am I insane????

17 years 3 months ago #12989 by bluebonnet_909
Dear DoctorMom,

"Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." (see below)

How could I know what is right for you?

The above lyric just popped into my head when I read you debating whether to follow your head or your heart.

Now is the time to find the still point inside of yourself and examine your priorities. This is such a personal experience that I wouldn't presume to tell you how to do it, but here are some ways other people locate that "center" of themselves: 1) meditation, 2) prayer, 3) journaling: some good starters are "my top 10 values," "what I want to be able to say about my life and my self when I am an old woman" The only wrong way to proceed now is to flee from thinking and feeling about the issues at hand.

I fully support the above suggestion to also seek counsel from trusted friends and relatives, or a professional, but only as long as you are willing to disagree with them out loud. Otherwise you might be listening more to their "inner voice" than your own.

"Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon

Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your daddy's here

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
'Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Darling, darling, darling
Darling Sean

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17 years 3 months ago #12990 by thena
Hi--I just wrote a lengthy response that my computer seems to have eaten, so I'll briefly restate the highlights.

I found out I was pregnant within weeks of getting an acceptance letter to a med school 900 miles away from where I lived with my husband. He wanted me defer, I wanted him to move with me, and neither of us budged. My older son was born at the end of my first semester (I went straight from an exam into labor and delivery). My husband made frequent visits, but didn't move in with us until the baby was 5 months old. We all survived. My second son was born during my 4th year of school. I'm now a 3rd year psychiatry resident.

There are many variations on this theme. Do what feels right for you. You can defer if it makes more sense, but consider whether pregnancy or an infant will be more of a strain on your studies--unless you have a particularly complicated pregnancy, my bet would be on the infant, the sleep deprivation that first year puts internship to shame. Whatever you decide, realize that all the planning in the world may not work out the way you anticipate. Good luck, and let me know if there is any additional support/advice/sympathy that you might find helpful.

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17 years 3 months ago #12991 by **DONOTDELETE**
Have your baby! I got pregnant in my sophomore year in college, ( after returning to college with a4 year ole "only child" at the age of 24) took comparative anatomy while in the second half, and graduated from Jr College magna cum laude and hugely pregnant. I thought the idea of med school was out, but the pregnancy just made things work out 100 times better in my case.

As has been said above, it is not hard to be a 1st and 2nd year med student and a mommy. If you find that you need time off, it's easier to defer that 2nd year or even the 3rd year than it is to get into med school.
If you can afford it, the nanny is a good way to go. I drove a 20 year old car, but we went through an agency and hired a woman who took care of our kids from 3rd year through 2nd year residency. A second option that others used in my med school was trading room and board with a local college student whom you could trust. Is there anyone in your family or church members that you could trust to live in or who know someone else that could fit the bill?
God bless you, and if you get any resistance, I'd like to recommend a group I belong to, Physician's Life Alliance which sponsors "Medical Students for Life" in many Med Schools.
(It seems that this ought to be one of the "choices" supported by "Medical Students for Choice," too.) There is also Feminists for Life, whose purpose is to support women in college (and med school) who find themselves being mothers as well as students.
Write me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. if you need more information.

Beverly Nuckols
New Braunfels, Texas

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17 years 3 months ago #12992 by **DONOTDELETE**
If you want the baby, have the baby. Once you start on your path to a medical career, there really is no good time to do it, unless you have the luxury of part time practice and are able to still conceive when pushing 40, or great timing (to deliver at the end of residency or something). Many men before children are very worried about the stress on a marriage of a new baby, esp. if their wives have demanding careers, but unless you have the rare husband who wants to be a "Mr. Mom" the lion's share of day-to-day care falls to Mom anyway. You absolutely need good childcare from the very start. Despite the principal of "family leave", studies have shown very few companies support more than a few days and men don't feel they can ask for it, so your husband may not be able to be there for an extended time. His lack of supportiveness is not a failing- he is worried about the affect of a baby on your relationship and your careers, this is understandable, because the affect on your whole life will be profound, but in good ways that are unimaginable to you now, as well as the obvious challenges you are concerned with now. My only caveat is if your husband reallly doesn't want children at all, he may not "come around" after the baby comes, so you need to hear honestly from him what his concerns are. And although this statement offends my feminist sensibilities, if you want this baby badly, reassure him that you can and will be able to handle it without his day-to-day presence while in medical school. You can do it, and practically you will be doing it, so lighten his mental burden a little now, and let him look forward to the joys of his child less encumbered. Almost every Mom I've ever met (as a pediatrician) lowers their expectations of their husband after they start a family- he will not share equally in it all even if you were in the same town- most of us are happy if he provides some financial security, develops a loving relationship with his kids, is supportive of us in our careers and in our mothering, and takes out the trash. The walking the halls with a colicky infant and changing of diapers and making sure there is kid food in the fridge is rarely shared equally, nor does it need to be.

As an aside, my husband and I went through a very stressful time where he was named in a civil suit related to a small company of which he was the CEO, more because of MY assests than his or any wrongdoing on his part, and we got pregnant when I was 42 with 2 children under 3. Threatened with losing our home and attaching the assets of my practice (community property state), a full time career and my husband's compnay closing it's doors, my age, and the needs two children (to whom I credit with my survival as the only thing giving me something to go on for), and my general depression, I had an abortion. The lawsuit was dropped soon after, but I have not had any serious misgivings there despite having taken the other path I recommend to you, the survival and mental health of my family was at stake. I just felt from you questions that your heart is in having the baby.

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17 years 3 months ago #12993 by **DONOTDELETE**
You should have the baby, medical school is the ideal time! You have flexible hours and summers off (I had both my children while in medical school, it took six years with all the time off but who cares!). I feel that if you terminate you will never forgive yourself and your practice in medicine will suffer. I have seen so many bitter women who hate their careers because it robs them of their time at home, how would you feel if it robbed you of a child? Think in the long run, who will be at your death bed, the child you raised or your job? Life is too short to even consider letting medical school change your life in such a signigicant way. Get the deferment, have your baby, and take it slow. Also, when is there a better time? During residency? NO. While your establishing your practice? NO. Then quess what, you are 42 years old and childless. Hello to IVF, CVS, and all the other horrors of AMA (advanced maternal age). Medical school will always be there, can you guarantee yourself another pregnancy?
Best of luck.

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17 years 3 months ago #12994 by **DONOTDELETE**
You and your husband have been blessed in the most wonderful way; please cherish and nurture the gift of life given to you. God has created new life from your marriage. Think about what you love in your husband and imagine the possibilities for what your child will become. We will be praying for you.

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