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angry and lonely

15 years 7 months ago #15644 by 396200
I have recently separated, am responsible for my 2 kids (3 & 7), have a solo practice. I am angry at the whole world, and often cry myself to sleep. I get annoyed at my patients, have little patience with the children, stay away from my married friends. Anyone out there who's gone through something similar?

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15 years 7 months ago #15645 by chylothorax
I am so sorry to hear about all this; you asked if anyone else were in similar circumstances, and (fortunately) I'm not, but I did want to offer you some support and encouragement. This must be such an exhausting and frustrating time for you. Do you have any kind of support system (other than your married friends) to which you can turn for physical and emotional support? Also, have you considered an SSRI? Obviously, this is not going to solve all life's problems, but it may take the edge off your despair and irritation, leaving you to sort through these things more constructively.

I went though something of lesser magnitude earlier this year. I had a baby at the end of my second year of internal medicine residency (graduating now; he is one). I don't know if I would have had postpartum depression, exactly, but between the colicky baby's endless screaming, dh's frustration and anger at at being "duped" into having a child and quitting his job to care for said child, my own physical exhaustion and ambivalence about even continuing medicine at the expense of my family, and our isolation (far from family and basically no friends in town) I was in a deep funk. I was the classically depressed patient who doesn't have the motivation or energy to seek any kind of psychiatric care. Finally, about two months ago, I got over it. The reasons for this were multifactorial; dh went back to work, happier, easier to live with---ds now a delightful toddler, the cessation of call months, a nice rotation at a TB hospital where I remembered why I wanted to do medicine, but mainly because I "hit bottom" several months ago and started praying again and trying to read Scripture. I was too distracted to even read, but bought the New Testament on CD and have been listening in the car on the way to work. The life of faith has always been valuable to me but in this time of despair I guess it became clear to me that it was the only real lifesaver I could have. I have always been a person who is emotionally a rock for other people and very successful at basically everything I've ever done, so what should be second nature for a Christian took rather a long time in coming to me (the proverbial "rich man" having to go through the eye of a needle...).

I do hope you find a lifesaver to cling to. Take care of yourself in whatever small ways you can, and give yourself time to heal. You know it will take place, eventually, though not without scars. Hug those kids, and try to let go of the things that are of lesser importance.

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15 years 7 months ago #15646 by EKM
Hi, I went through something similar about 14 months ago. I had a 6 month old and was also 3 months pregnant at the time.
It was definately the hardest time I have ever had to go through in my life so far. I cried A LOT. Everyday at least once, maybe more.
I am sorry for all that you are going through. I know its rough. But for what its worth, it WILL get better. I am a MUCH stronger person now and I look back sometimes and can't believe I am where I am now.
It is hard, but you can do it! My babies motivated me and continue to do so everyday. I try to be the best Mom that I can be and not let anything stand in the way of that.
The best thing to do is stay positive, find something that is positive and comforting to you and put time into it. For me it was going for long drives and listening to music. It also worked great to get my baby to sleep sometimes. ;)
It WILL get better! I promise! PM me or just vent here if you need to. :)

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15 years 7 months ago #15647 by Button
I'm so sorry for what you are going through with your separation and how your life is impacted. Would it be possible for you to take some time off of work to relax --maybe go stay with family or friends ---or just some alone (no patient) time? I hope you are able to see a counselor (either alone or as a couple).

I want to share a poem with you that I have carried in my wallet for years now after living through a series of loses in my life. When I first read it a long time ago for some reason it pissed me off. But over time I re-read it and found it empowering.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain.
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight,
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn
With every goodbye you learn.

Written by, Veronica Shoffstall

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