× Women Medical Students

Confused about MEDICINE

14 years 2 days ago #25760 by Cabinbuilder
If you and your fiance are already arguing about the future, I would advice against rushing into marriage. I say this since my first husband never supported me in my dreams and it took 15 years to get out of that situation and finally go to medical school. I am now in my second marriage, am a 4th year med student and my kids are 6 and 10. You must have support from him from the beginning and it sounds like his idea of what a wife should be doing is far different from yours. This change is definitely increase with medical school matriculation. You cannot have distress at home and do well in med school. It's just too draining with the material and then not having support at home.

I have a friend who was in the same dilemma during medical school. Her husband is a lawyer and she went through 2 years of school. At 32 she really wanted a child and he husband basically said "yes, but only if you stay home". He refused to let her get a nanny or consider child care. His idea of what a mother is was totally one track, his way or no way. It was unfortunate since she was AOA and ended up quitting medical school and staying home. The kicker?? SHE WASN'T EVEN PREGNANT YET BEFORE SHE QUIT. :banghead: He made her life so miserable and ugly that she just couldn't take it anymore. I felt so bad for her and the fact that she didn't stand up for what she wanted really boiled my blood too.

As the other posts said. For your own sake and mental health be sure you are both on the same page. It is super easy to get married and very very difficult to get divorced. Good luck.

LECOM Class 2006
Osteopathic Family Practice Resdincy 2009
Locum Tenens: Urgent Care/Rural Medicine.

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14 years 2 days ago #25761 by Drey

Thank you Drey. May I ask a question? Is there a reason you are planning to have a child in your fourth year?
Have you heard anything like that?
fourth year vs residency on having babies?

Well, we want kids young, and we figured that third year and internship year are out of the question just because of how nuts those years are. So the decision is before or after internship? After has it's advantages in that I would be making money at that point, but it won't be too long after fourth year before I start drawing a salary. Final decision? Personal choice with a little bit of randomness thrown in.

Other women have certainly done this. We had a woman in our class have a baby at the beginning of her 2nd year, and there are several women on this site who have had kids in all stages, including one who had 2 kids during medical school.

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14 years 2 days ago #25762 by IsHtaAh
Thank you all who have replied so far. I really appreciate all your advice and I am taking everything into consideration. Right now, I think it would be wise to not rush into marriage before I enter because I think I would be stressed if he & i are not happy.
Other than that, I just need to sit and think with myself and later with him.
Bless you all.

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13 years 11 months ago #25763 by sugar
Listen to Kathie - she is very wise! My husband and I had been married 4 years before I started medical school. He knew I was heading toward medical school the entire time we were married and said he was supportive - but when he actually encountered the difficulties of being married to a medical student (then a pregnant medical student)...he was not as supportive as I thought he would be. It is a constant battle with him because he has gender role issues about me becoming a physician (in 123 days!).
After an interview dinner he said "I can see that all of the wives of the med students there are psyched about being married to a doctor....I don't want to be married to a doctor - you should be going whereever I can make money for our family"
I still find it amazing that he said that to me. He backpedaled for weeks saying how proud he was of me...but come on that is a deeply rooted gender issue that doesn't go away.

Many people note that having a spouse has helped them through medical school - but it isn't helpful if all of your downtime is spent fighting!
I am sure whatever decision you make will be the best one for you - good luck!

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13 years 11 months ago #25764 by phillymedschoolmom
my husband and I both grew up with mothers who were professionals (mine, MD; his DVM). So, the concept of "traditional wife and mother" was not even there for us. but, neither of our mothers could have done it without the support of our fathers.
My husband is incredibly supportive, he moved across the country away from all of our family support with me and an 8 month old. He is also very driven career-wise, so he works remotely, travels about 1 week per month (and takes our daughter with him when he travels to where our family is, so I get extra study time around tests- i am also looking at a competetive specialty). He also does all the cooking, picks up at daycare and is basically a superdad. He also has gotten promoted in his career with all of this.
NOT THAT IT IS EASY. we do fight, we talk, we laugh, but it does take work. however, i agree with the others: the extra support makes up for the extra work.
But, given how high med school divorce rates used to be, it is important that you have the same life goals as your spouse.

If we weren't on the same team, this would not work.

Good luck!

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13 years 11 months ago #25765 by gyngirl
There really is no "good time" to get married or have children during med school, but plenty of people do it and make it work. My concern is that you will not do well in med school if you do not have support at home. Is your future husband expecting you to take care of all the housework? Medical school and residency is much more demanding than the careers of the other "super women" in his life (accountants, engineers). You could be working 80 hours per week in residency. He needs to compare apples to apples in this case.

I would wait on having kids with this person until you are married and have been in med school awhile to see how he handles the demands of med school your relationship. Once a baby is born, things are much more complicated.

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