Feeling tired and unsure of things. No one thing is wrong, just the toll on my sleep / time with daughter / husband / any time to myself at all is all really adding up right now.
On call Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. All those thoughts of getting to see my daughter wake up to her "first" (as a verbal toddler who knows anything about what's going on) Christmas... nope. Helping her make ornaments as presents for family? No way. This just doesn't feel like how this season is supposed to go.
Who says Christmas has to be on the 25th? Do it the next day! or the day before!!! She's a toddler, she doesn't know any better! Absolutely you should be there for her Christmas!!! Don't let internship and calendars ruin that for you.
I'm on call on New Year's Eve too, we can commiserate and yeah I'm tired and it's cold and it's dark, but I still enjoy it (most of the time).
Agree with Baby Einstein! Do christmas on whatever day you're home, your daughter won't know the difference
And don't feel bad about feeling tired and unsure. I had a month earlier this fall where I left every post call day and cried my whole drive home. And that was a lot of days that month... But that rotation ended and now being an intern isn't quite as bad. things will go up!
I am long out of internship but still remember those days. Really really focus on getting sleep, exercise, and eating healthy food-it's the only way. You should def reschedule any holiday for convenience-so true your daughter will have no idea. And even if she did-you and your husband make the decisions for your family-not the outside world. It's hard to hear it now-but you may actually miss these days of the incredibly steep learning curve, pushing yourself to the limit emotionally and physically, and the satisfaction of achieving. So hang in there and try to enjoy it----just like your child's childhood, it goes by fast and then it's gone forever.
AmmaMD, I can completely relate. My daugher is 18 months now. I'm in a great family-friendly program with terrific residents and attendings--it's really a fantastic program. But lately the past couple weeks-- intern year has started to catch up with me and I'm starting to feel rather miserable about it. Our program actually has a holiday schedule so eveyone gets 5 days off in a row either Christmas or New Years, which is great. Still, I'm just really wondering if this is what I want to be doing. I've completely lost all passion for medicine. I don't dread going to work, but I'm definitely not excited to be there. I'm not motivated to learn, I definitely don't read, I feel completely stupid about 90% of my work day. I am just really wondering if this was all a mistake, but then I stop because there's nothing I can really do about it--I'm stuck mostly because on my 250K of loans. There's not even anything else I'd rather be doing with my life--I am just really sick of waking up at 4am and getting home at 6 or later, having maybe 2 hours with my daughter (some nights don't see her at all when on long call)--and not even having time to do normal people things like pay my bills and go grocery shopping. I'm just burned out. My lack of enthusiasm is starting to show too which isn't good. I've always wanted to be great at what I do, and put 100% into it, but I don't care anymore--I'm just trying to get through it. Hopefully that will change at some point...
Hang in there you guys; life gets so, so, so much better after internship is over. My advice - which I know you won't take, because I wouldn't have - is to prioritize self care. Instead of picking your kid up early post-call, you really should sleep. On non-call days, go to bed immediately after your child. Etc. Fatigue does increase your risk for depression.
The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea. -- Isak Dinesen