Ok, this is the short story.
I am a single mom of 2 kids (6yr twins). - with no child support what so ever.
I started off at a two year techn. school for sonography & I was really excited about that, I did pretty well there. I didn't have to work, (the kids grandma (dads side) payed for everything I NEEDED) and my kids were still really young (so they didn't have school events, baseball, girl scouts ect. to worry about).
-After I left the kids (abusive) dad I was beyond poor, every day for a few years a stuggled working day & night at jobs I hated- I wasn't able to return to school.
-I got into a better place and found a wonderful boyfriend. He is very supportive and loves my children like his own. He is absolutely wonderful, he helps with the kids, he cleans and cooks, helps with errands and works part-time. He has a computer degree and has tried to get a full-time job but he had some problems a few years before we met after his father passed away from cancer and ended up loosing a really good job. He got even more depressed after that and really hasn't been working in that field in a while, he has done other work but now with the economy it is very hard to even find an opening for his field. Anyways he couldn't pay all of our bills if I didn't work or have my loan money.
-The reason I started back at school was to get a job (obviously) but I transferred to the 4 year university (sister school) because I could get a lot more loan money to help me pay my bills. I get about $4,500 every semester (4months) and I use almost all of it every time.
-I recently found my (what I thought) was my dream job, as a pharmacy tech. bc I switched from sonography (which was not offered at the 4yr school) to pharmacy (PharmD.) (doctorate degree) after talking to an adviser at school.
and I love my job, but my boss has been giving me way to many hours (a girl quit with no notice) and I just have not been able to keep up with school.
-but thats not the only problem, I have ADHD and very sever anxiety.
I have tried exercise, counseling and a few different medication. I had it under control for for a few months with bi-identical hormones but then my hair started to fall out and they said I had to stop..(my hair is still falling out 6 months later) and all the other medications Ive tried have had horrible side effects.. my doctor doesn't want to put me on two control substances (I take vyvanse for my ADHD) and so I tried to go see another doctor, I waited forever pay $200 and he wouldn't listen, he gave me a medicine I told him I didn't think would work (clonezpan) bc I tried it before.. he said, try taking half then.. I took 1/2 or a .5 so I took (.25mg) and I had the same damn side effects! I had horrible, horrible nightmares and I was (still am) depressed.. I only took it that one time (the nightmares lasted for 4 days.. so I was exhausted from waking up all night.. I was so tired but it was like I was having a panic attack in my sleep but I couldn't wake myself up..I felt like I was knocked out.. I could hear my boyfriend on the computer-right next to me in bed and I couldn't move and I kept trying to scream and nothing could come out.. the 1st time I finally woke up I told him if I make the slighted noise please shake me till I wake up) after all this I was so exhausted I completely forgot about an online math test.. I was so messed up from the medication that I couldn't hardly move (when I was awake!) I tried to talk to my teacher but he didn't care. he said I should drop the course! I said I was going to keep trying and (hopefully I can talk to someone else about retaking the test)..
-anyways, this is my algebra class I messed up and I have already tried taking this class 2 times before.. and the first time I didn't really know what I was getting myself into and I got a "u" the second time I tried but I just had problems with study habits.. I didn't know how to study for math.. I had a tutor 3 times a week and I got another "u".. he didn't help me much and I tried to get another tutor but there wasn't anyone else at the time.
-at this time my anxiety was the worst it had been before.. I was having 10 panic attacks a week and I would just be completely exhausted afterwards.
-so I started searching for medicine, nothing seems to help...
and I still can't sleep, I feel depressed now, I always feel sick.. I hate my life..
I try to study but I just can't seem to get it together.. I know I need to deticate a lot more time into studying but I just feel like I don't know what to do.. Ive taken this other class (biology) 3 times now too!
1st time- i didn't know what I was getting my self into..
2nd time I dropped bc I started my "dream job"
not this time I just feel even more sick and I haven't been able to study like I should. I know I need to out more time into study.. but I feel like a failure.
I need to be a mother, student and I need to be able to work. and I need to be healthy. Im so tired but I can't image being poor ( like my mother was).
-Should I keep trying?
-Choose another easier major?
-Should I take off some time? if so how much?
-How do you all balance everything?
-how much time do you study for classes, when do you study? I have tried to get up early and study but I have trouble sleeping with my anxiety.. I want to be able to spend time with my children, sometimes my bf helps so much I feel like Im not the best mom I could be., and I miss spending time with them.
-Is there a way I can still go into pharmacy (or another health/ job helping people)
-I feel so lost.. I really need some help.
Justmommy, you have a lot of things on your plate, and I admire you for your dedication to making a better life for you and your family. I hope you don't lose sight of that. However, it sounds like you have to take care of YOU before you go ahead and tackle all that other stuff. I hope you consider seeing your mental health provider or therapist again and start on a plan that you feel works for you. No one should have to feel depressed and stressed like this, and unfortunately there's not a lot we can help with on an online forum other than moral support. We're cheering for you!
I think you should consider taking online classes and ask to get less hours on your job. If you're part-time it's much easier to get flexible hours. I'm a pharmacy technician right now and have a child. This job is no joke. Low pay and a lot of stress from dealing with upset people. I have ADD and anxiety but I go to a psychologist every other weeks who helps me tremendously. You have to help yourself first otherwise you're not going to be able to focus on your goals! Don't give up, just consider it a minor set back