It's after midnight, and I really hadn't thought much about blogging. I can't sleep and I'm just at a loss. This entry isn't about medicine, per se, but about life in general.
I had a pretty bad argument with my mother in law tonight. She's 75 and she's here while my husband is in Iraq. She's from a small town of only 4000 people and she's now in the big city of 80K. She can't do much (bad back, overweight, drama queen), but if I have to leave in the middle of the night when I'm on call, my 3 kids (5, 3 1/2 and 21 months are safe) I have hired a part-time nanny to take the kids to preschool, pick them up and stay with them until I get home.
The argument was over something stupids (on her part) It's affected me because I never wanted her here, but my husband did, and I wanted him to not worry about more than he needed to while fighting a war. Even her own kids couldn't live with her for a year! I just feel overwhelmed. I never intended to be super woman. I work full-time as a physician in a field I'd like to get out of. When I get home I don't have alot left to give sometimes. Pregnant women can be draining and everything in pregnancy is a drama. When I get home I wish I could decompress for 15 minutes. I want to be there for my children. I wish I could spend the whole weekend playing with them, painting, going to the park, etc. But I have to clean the house (there's no sense in hiring someone, because I have to clean everyday anyway, messy kids, potty training, you know what I mean), doing laundry (mom-in-law can't go up and down the stairs where the laundry room is), cooking for the following week, maintenance, shopping, paying bills, and whatever else pops up.
I will admit that I feel like a total loser. I worry that I will look back and regret not really being there for my kids. I can't relate to anyone else. Not to doctor's wives who stay home, or to women who's jobs may not be as demanding, or really anyone. I don't need medication, unless it's the kind that will enable me to clone myself. I haven't yet figured out how to transition out of ob/gyn and into gyn only. Its just way to complicated right now. I spent the past weekend cleaning up vomit out of the carpets because everyone was sick. Today, I was sick, and would could I do....but get on with it. I know....I'm just feeling sorry for myself., but it's midnight and I can't sleep.
Curious- I have decided that I need both work clones and play clone to balance out the work clones myself. It is hard enough being a full time physician but acting as a single parent as well (and having to deal w/ mother in law) is so much tougher. Please don't feel like you are a loser! Your kids are going to be fine and really, once they're in elementary school it does get easier in some ways (although projects and homework are not something I just get great joy out of every night!). Just wanted you to know that you are not alone...
wow, you have a LOT on your plate! You are basically everything right now- as a full-time physician, mother, caretaker for the elderly, and basically single mom as far as the work-load is concerned-- NO wonder you're feeling overwhelmed! You shouldn't feel guilty, you're actually making it from one day to the next, and that is a huge accomplishment! I remember at one point right after my mother got a divorce, she was going to nursing school all day, working at a casino at night, raising three kids on her own, and we were BROKE. I was the oldest and 11 years old. I had to do a lot of the housework and baby sat for my younger siblings, and I didn't get to spend much time with her, but now that I'm grown I realize that she was basically superwoman! That's what your kids will think too. I'm sure one of these days you'll read some paper by one of your kids that says you are their hero. Just don't get discouraged and hang in there! Your hubbie should be giving you major props for taking care of MIL. :grouphug:
Much appreciation for the pms and words of encouragement. I will admit that I was brought to tears on more than one occasion. What do they say...."random acts of kindness". Sometimes those little things need so much when we are in such need.
I have recently gotten over a pretty bad weekend on call. I think it takes longer for my mind and body to recover from being up 1 or 2 nights in a row. I think I have decided to hire someone to clean the house. My husband keeps urging me to do so. I just have to find the right person. I've been a bit short tempered lately, and no matter what happens, I never want my kids to lose out on my time or attention. I don't get to eat or even sit for a minute until they are in bed. It's pretty exhausting. I have decided that I MUST squeeze some time in for some exercise. My energy is low and I think it would help.
One thing that is nice...even though I desperately want to get out of ob, I do have 2 really nice partners who are very supportive, and I don't think I could ask for more than that. I haven't decided how long I will keep MIL. She's tough to handle, and I don't see it happening for 15 months.
But...My kids are healthy, happy and seem to be dealing with their fathers absence very well for the time being. I will do anything to make them happy, and that is my priority right now (that and making a living.). Thanks for the group hug.
I was looking at pictures of my kids (on my screensaver) and I started to cry. They are so beautiful. I thought to myself, "I wish I was a better mother" My childhood was pretty dysfunctional, and I just want to do the best by my children. What is the barometer? How do we know if we are good parents? I feel so responsible for their happiness now. They are so young, it's all up to me. What if I screw it up?
In 20 years, I won't care how many babies I've delivered, or how many hysterectomies I've done. But I will care that my kids are happy, healthy and well adjusted.
When they tell me they love me....do they really know what that means? What about when I have to scold them? We always want our kids to have what we didn't. Involved parents who cared. Who took us to soccer practice and watched our karate practices. But....what do you do when your job just keeps getting in the way either directly or indirectly (fatigue, stress, frustration).
I really must say...I'm awfully tired of feeling like an inadequate mother. I look at my kids, 5, 3 1/2, 22 months and I want to hold them and love them and enjoy this time that they actually WANT to spend all their time with me. However, all I can think about is how much there is to do. I can only read 1 story tonight instead of 3 because there is lunch to be made, kitchen to be cleaned, animals to be fed, blah, blah, blah. Last of all, I haven't eaten dinner yet. I would love to rock all the children to sleep, but too much to do. The 5 year old needs to work on her reading, the 3 year old, his letters and numbers, the 22 year old his speech and identification of objects in the book. The washing machine is broken, the fence needs to be fixed, the kids need to get practice on their bikes and the dog needs to be walked. My husband needs things to be sent to him in Iraq, the bills need to be paid, and oh....I need to earn a living.
I am going to ask my partners (who are my employers) for a day off during the week. We work 4 1/2 days. I need something. A dedicated day that I can regroup, take the kids to doctor's appointments, get the tags for the car, and recover from the weekend that is me and the kids.
When I was a kids, my parents were divorced at it was all so dysfunctional. There didn't seem to be much love, and I know I over compensate with my kids. But can you give them too much love? Can you care too much about their happiness? My 3 1/2 year old keeps telling me that he doesn't want me to die. I don't know where he's getting that from, but it kind of freaks me out. My mom died when I was 15. I can't compromise doing right by my kids. If my partners say no..then some hard decisions will need to be made. I sent MIL home after being here for 6 weeks. She was stressing me out too much and I just couldn't take her craziness any more.
I miss my husband. He is my rock. I worry so about him.