× Women in Medicine Blogs & Diaries

Lost and Overwhelmed

10 years 3 months ago #71494 by curious
So, I have new floors in my freshly painted office. Beautiful refurbished exam tables that look like new. One MA. Set to open in a little over a week. Started scheduling a few patients. Getting trained on the EMR. Taking care of so many things. But, still have to do the shopping, the cooking, make the children's appointments, clean the house, basically just keep things moving.

Oh, and 2 weeks ago I was surprisingly diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. I get to have a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow....yay!

Husband isn't quite being the rock and support that I need. I think I'm beginning to get angry with him. Heaven forbid I should have to do some extensive chemotherapy. Wouldn't make any difference on what needs to get done. Really didn't notice how much weight I'd lost recently. It's very hard for me to depend on others and to reach out because I have had a lifetime of rejection. I feel alone now, and I don't think it will get better. It's not about love. I know he loves me and he's scared of what could happen. But it's not about him now, is it?

Getting scans, blood work, etc for staging. It's a good thing I have a lot of life insurance.

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10 years 3 months ago #71566 by curious
I start seeing patients on Monday. So far it looks as if the lymphoma is localized. I've started a primary course of treatment that has not been working and I've been switched to something different. Really not feeling too bad. Mostly alot of pain that kind of gets in the way of things and I have to take something for that when I get desparate.

I'm so scared about this whole practice thing. The amount of money involved is stupid. I count myself fortunate that I actually have patients scheduled, even though it's not alot. Any little bit is better than nothing at this point.

In terms of my health. I really don't have alot of time to think about it. I feel pretty alone in that respect. Everything else seems to have to come first. Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and just try to feel better, but there simply isn't time.

Onward and upward.

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10 years 3 months ago #71623 by curious
I have been so sick today, and not able to function too well. Good thing the office is closed on Fridays. My son't 5th birthday party is tomorrow and my husband had to order a cake for him. I ALWAYS bake and decorate the cakes for my kid's birthday parties. It's the one thing I can do for them, and I couldn't do it this year. I hope I can be a reasonable presence at his birthday party.

I'll post more on how my first week in practice went later.

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