I have some scary news. One of our classmates has disappeared. He was with people Friday night at a bar and was seen leaving at 1:30. He was supposed to go on spring break with his girlfriend the next morning but never showed up to his flight. He's not answering his cell phone, his car is still at his apartment and no one is using his credit cards. Hasn't talked to his girlfriend, his parents, or anybody in our class. His mom died about a month ago from cancer, and no one really knows what his mental status is. I just hope he's decided to take off on his own for the week, but the fact that his credit cards are silent worries me. His girlfriend is also in our class and understandably really upset. :crossfingers:
In a bad mood tonight. I've been having these mood swings lately, which is very unusual for me. I was happy yesterday, and this morning, but now I'm in a horrible mood. I just feel like I need a good cry, and a chocolate martini, but I have no girlfriends in the city. This sucks. It hasn't lasted long enough to be depression, and doesn't fit DSM IV for bipolar, so I'm attempting empirical treatment with dark chocolate.
I think my mood swings are partly a result of all the stress lately. I have a report on my research due at the end of the month, I have my final 4 weeks of class, ACLS training, and I teach several MCAT classes. The MCAT students have their test next week and are FREAKING OUT. Oh, did I mention BOARDS? It creeps up all the time now every other thought, and I'm not really studying, just stressing about it. It doesn't help that taxes are due tomorrow, and that our classmate is still missing, with hope for his well-being fading by the day.
I am really really sick of school. I had spring break last week (which was fun, my in-laws were down, we did some camping, they did our laundry and bought us dinner. ) I thought the week off would help me come back with a fresh start, but it really just makes me resent all the stupid little things. It's been warm lately, and the school is too cheap to turn on the A/C so it's been about 4 million degrees in the auditorium. I actually had to switch to ICED coffee. Minutiae bother me for prolonged periods now when before it wouldn't even have registered.
I'm just frustrated, I'm tired, I'm stressed, and I'm sick of always feeling one tier below where I want to be.
Wow, that's a lot of complaining, sorry about that. Maybe it's like our current troll says, and I'm just a whiny lazy woman who doesn't know what she wants and should submit to her husband more... :scratchchin: But what if my darling supportive husband "orders" me to wrap up the pity party and keep plugging away at medical school? :scratchchin: Then, do I obey him or do I obey all the parts about staying home? What happens when those fun bible verses contradict......
I am officially losing my mind. I feel like a failure, I don't know anything, and I am going to bomb the boards tomorrow. I feel like these last three weeks of solid study time have been worthless, and that I should just quit now and go get a job at the dry cleaners washing other people's clothing. Can you tell I'm taking the boards tomorrow? :tired: I'm so discouraged. Anyone want to bring me some ice cream so I can cry on their shoulder?
DH had a huge computer programming project due today, so both of our stress levels have been through the roof this week, and we were unable to balance each other like we can when only one of us is stressed. The house is a total pit, I haven't cooked in a week, and I'm debating whether PETA would come after me if I killed my whiny needy dog. Some sort of ritual sacrifice to the USMLE.
Up at 5 this morning studying, went to a dentist appointment at 8. Sat there until 8:45 in the waiting room. some receptionist had screwed up the appointments GRRRRRRRRR :censored: I was probably more rude than I should have been, but my rope is a little shorter today than most days, and the end was right at hand. I burned some pasta today for lunch. Put it on the stove and didnt' think about it again until the water was all boiled off and the then-gluey pasta was scorching. I'm amazed I haven't actually set anything on fire with my absent-mindedness this week.
I am so sick of always having one more hoop to jump through, and continuously being judged. Proving myself over and over again with the feeling that I'll never be at the end is NOT what I signed up for. I had a good long bi+ch session last night with a friend from veterinary school who is actually coming out of a major depressive episode stemming from her overcomitted responsibilities. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
One more day, then I'm going to texas and not resurfacing until the margaritas have run dry. hmmm....anyone still wondering why 10% of docs become alcoholics or addicts...
Light a candle/send me some prayers/sacrifice a poodle for me tomorrow if you think of it.
I'm halfway done. What a weird feeling. Sometimes it helps to look back on how much you have already accomplished instead of looking forward to how much you have left to do. Time really does pass, and goals do get closer to being achieved. I need to remember that more often. I get so caught up in the details of each baby step that I miss the big picture, and only get to come back to it when I have some time off.
I took Step I, which was awful, but it's over, and now, assuming I passed, I am officially an MS3. Everyone is talking about the boards like they failed, saying "well, maybe I can take some time and get an MPH" or "I could always do research for a year." :goodvibes: Now I have to learn to ignore the "You shouldn't do that in medical school," "you're doing WHAT?!" and "Are you sure that's a good idea?" that will be coming my way from the friends and family.
Wish me luck as I finally start 3rd year, the real reason we all got into medicine.