× Women in Medicine Blogs & Diaries

To Follow the Heart or the Head...that is the Question!

13 years 11 months ago #68633 by kitty13
Well I thought it was time I start keeping a diary on here. I think it is therapeutic to write and I have not been much of a journal writer since high school. I would like to start again though—so here goes!

I am 24 years old and went to a top tier college and was thinking about med school in the very beginning. I came from a small suburb town and moved into a major urban area for college. I thought this had no impact as I always bragged about myself to be a “citygirl” but hind sight is 20/20, right? Anyways, I was working at a café only a few months into my first semester and a med student came in and we chatted for a bit while I made his coffee. I told him I was also interested in medicine but he firmly told me not to go if I was not “obsessed” with medicine. I have to say at that point I was scared. I was a chem. major and my brain started to swell with the issues of: Am I “obsessed” enough with medicine? Is he just exaggerating because he is in the thick of it now? Obsessed is a relative term—how does he know if I am obsessed or not? What will I do with a chem. degree if I don't get into med school? Well I knew I didn’t want to work in a lab! And I had no career advisor, no college course advisor—just me! My parents of course pushed me to medicine—but I felt it was to be proud that their daughter was a “DOCTOR” and that they were not really worried about my well-being and happiness. I talked to my roommates—which ended up being one of the worst decisions I ever made—but again-- hind sight!

Two months into my college career I prompted changed my major to finance! What did I know about finance? I never had any business or economics courses in high school. I had TONS of math and sciences, 4 English classes, 4 Spanish classes and one US history course. I never took a study hall but was able to study things like biotechnology. Well the next semester I took a business course that is the course to enroll in the business school at my university. I had to first pass that course and then I could continue on my finance track. It was a demanding course and very competitive. I think I thrived on the competitive nature. I guess looking back now I didn’t really know if I “liked” what I was studying. I think I was neutral about it but knew I could graduate and get a job that paid a lot of money! I tried to justify my answer this way—what did I care about? What was I passionate about? Money! I was also 19 and I think most 19 year olds are passionate about money in some form or another.

But I didn’t have the minimum GPA to enroll in the business school so I needed to stay in the College of Arts and Sciences to which I had been accepted as chemistry major. Then I decided to study international economics. I loved other cultures since I was a child. I love learning about people from other nations and learning languages. I thought in that major I could build my GPA for a couple semesters and transfer into the business school for finance.

I took an internship at a top investment bank and 6 months into it I hated it. I decided to stay with my international economics and wasn’t really sure where I would be going. Needless to say I am not sure I enjoyed what I was studying in this major either. I guess I didn’t really think about it. No one asked me. I didn’t have any advisors saying—well your grades are not very good—are you just lazy or do you really not like what you are doing? I have never been one to be called lazy but when it is something I do not like to do—it becomes very obvious how lazy I am.

I had some friends/acquaintances graduating a couple years before me that could not find jobs. Even some with very powerful political families--- they couldn’t find the most entry level jobs. I became scared I would have to return to the small town where I grew up and have to find my way there—no not ME-- the BIG CITY GIRL!!!! So I asked my father for help. My family is in the insurance industry and ever since I was a small child showing promise in math and science it was “suggested” that I go into the insurance industry into an analyst type of position. He gave me some contacts to talk to about the career with and I promptly called them all excited to ask about this new prospect. I thought this was the answer to my problems. I got a job 4 months before I graduated at $50K. I was ecstatic. The job was near my apartment so I could walk through the park every morning and evening to work.

That same weekend that I found out I got the job, my boyfriend of two years proposed. “Life” couldn’t have been better.

I got married that summer, started my job right away, and then real life started. Married life in the beginning was tough. My husband is from a different culture so issues that we never differed on before were now becoming problems. I didn’t like my job once again about 6 months after I started. I was miserable and in cubicle hell. Then in January of 2005 I had an epiphany that I didn’t need to stay in a career where I was not happy. It was so strange that this idea had never appeared into my head before….. it was just one day when I had nothing to do and found myself staring at the computer screen, the idea literally popped into my head.

I thought of what I might be interested in. I always love science and math—biostatistics would be a good combination and similar to the job I was currently holding. I could get a master’s in two years part time and make even better money than I was making in insurance. It seemed like a great idea. I began immediately emailing all the friends I knew in the biostat program at my ugrad school. I had had statistics courses with them. It seemed like a great prospect so I studied hard and took the GRE, scored well, and applied to a program. I needed to take one course before completing my application though. I was going to do it that summer. Then I began thinking….. well what is it that I hate about my current job so much…. Its not only that it is in business, but I also hate sitting at a desk on my behind all day staring at the computer. I have to admit it is comfortable but I have too much energy. I don't really talk to people in my position so I get up and chat with other co-workers when I am bored. But I really like to interact with others. In biostatistics I am really not sure I would be doing that. I would definitely have a desk job…. So I stopped looking for the class that I needed to take and withdrew my application. And then I thought—I don't even enjoy statistics so much anyways, good thing I withdrew!

I started going to see career councilors at my ugrad school, at the local library for free and borrowed TONS of books on how to find out what career would be best for me. I took tons of free online career quizzes. Most of them pointed me in the science direction—but what does that mean? I already knew that! Should I do a PhD and become a professor… I hate getting up and talking in front of people- unless they are not my peers and unless I am very prepared…. So I thought I might be OK being a professor. Did I want to work in the medical field? Doing what? There are so many options RN, NP, PA, RD, MD, DO? What about bioinformatics? Engineering? Mathematics? I was completely lost. I settled on MD or DO because it seemed to have everything I wanted in a career.

I began to talk to med school admissions directors at local universities, starting with my ugrad school. The director was rude, and basically told me I should not bother. I was 23 at the time, and it would take a long time to complete my pre-reqs because I also had to work full-time as my husband was in school getting a BS in engineering. Then I might need to complete a special masters program because my GPA was not competitive. He said that as much as he LOVED LOVED LOVED his job, he is not sure it is for everyone…. And that I should try to do something else less demanding…. It was a huge blow to my ego and my self-esteem. I had always been considered very smart and made to feel like I could do anything I wanted. He basically blew that out of the water in one shot in about 15 minutes. I wanted to run out and cry.

For the next two weeks, I was looking at other jobs in health care like nursing, NP, radiology tech, you name it. But I didn’t feel as passionate about any as I did about medicine. I called the director of a local post-bac program here and she was a God send, literally. She told me that with my GPA it would be tough but not impossible. I could still do it. All of a sudden I was back in the game. She gave me some advice on what to do next. I enrolled in an EMT-Basic training course. I love the material!!! I knew medicine was for me and never felt better. I made some good friends. I also started volunteering at a local hospital in their pre-med program. I proved I was OK being around sick people and the clinical environment. Life was great again! I even started looking for clinical research jobs to get out of the terrible one I was in. The only thing that got me through my day was knowing that I would not be doing this forever!

The only negative thing at that time was that my husband was not 100% on board. He was worried about the time it would take me to graduate. When would we start our life? What about kids? LOANS? He is not used to the huge amount of debt that we are here in America.

I just kept plugging along. I enrolled in a post-bac last fall and started my classes. I was doing the best I had ever done in college with much less effort at a much better university (a top ten school). Life was great!! I had been trying to find clinical research jobs that summer and had been on tons of interviews since I put the EMT training on my resume. I wasn’t extremely excited about any of them and knew I would be taking a HUGE pay cut of probably 40-50%. I had had this insurance job since before college graduation. I knew people survived on less but didn’t know how. I also had credit card bills to pay—it was scary. I couldn’t stand this job any more though and had to get out. Then my semester started and it turns out that if I was discreet I could do some school work at this job as I was never busy, where in clinical research I would always be busy. So I stopped looking for positions and decided to stay at my current job where I felt secure and safe.

I guess in probably October, things started to get weird. I started to just feel like I didn’t know what I was doing. I started to doubt myself again. I had made friends at school when I hadn’t had any for so long and was having a social life and enjoying myself!! I realized enjoying my time was also something I hadn’t felt in so long either. I didn’t want it to end. When I thought of the long hours of studying during med school and then residency it made me sad. I thought OK I do not want to go to med school until I am 30. That way I can enjoy my 20s and spend my 30s in misery to hopefully be out by the time I am 40. Then I thought, what about kids? Well I didn’t know if I wanted kids—probably not….. I had to tell my husband this, which did not go over well since he does definitely want kids. I should have kept my mouth shut knowing that I might soon change my mind. This created an even bigger rift between us that had already been growing.

We went on vacation to the D.R. in January 2006. We really needed this. We hadn’t been on vacation for 2 years! We just never found the time after the wedding. Our schedules were always different. It cost a lot of money and we were really looking forward to it. Then we got down there and we were so disappointed. Our resort was less than expected, we were not in the town we thought we were going to be in. It just sucked!! Not to mention it rained a lot and my husband loves to be outdoors doing lots of stuff….. so he became even crankier at points than I did.

We came back—so happy to be home and he left a few days later to return to his country to visit family and friends. I couldn’t go because I had finals. Plus it was his first time returning in five years so I didn’t want to intrude on his reunion with life long friends. I thought I would be fine and was really looking forward to the time apart but as soon as I got home from the airport I felt sick… I really missed him. I was not prepared for how I would feel. I called him and talked to him until he had to board the plane. After that I felt even sicker because I knew I couldn’t talk him for hours until he landed. I wanted to call some people to keep my mind off it because I was going crazy but it was too early in the morning. I just watched some Sex and the City on DVD until it was a decent hour to call people and after that I felt better. I tried to keep busy until he would land and I would wait for his call. Then what happened but his flight was LATE!!! I wasn’t mad, but nervous that he was OK. I called his friend that I knew he would be meeting and it turned out he just landed. I was so happy to talk to him and to know he really missed me too.

The whole week we talked almost ever day. I was not prepared at all for how much I would miss him. I realized at this point what was really important to me. This was the first time I had taken my mind off my career and focused on my marriage and our relationship. When he came back though, we were back to our old habits of arguing over silly things and letting life get in the way. I became depressed (I say this because it was even hard to get out of bed to go to work in the morning). I just felt like I was back at the same spot I was a year ago. Not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. I had a WHOLE year and nothing to show for it. A friend that was diagnosed as clinically depressed some time ago, suggested reading “Feeling Good” by Dr. Burns. I got it for $8 at Borders and loved it. I am still not finished but it definitely helped at the time.

I think during the last semester at school last fall, I overloaded myself. I wanted to apply to med school ASAP and finish ASAP. I was working full time, taking chem. and physics at night with labs, volunteering on Sundays at the hospital and never saw my husband. I will never forget what that advisor of the post-bac program told me: Going carefully and slowly is better than going quickly and stupidly. I guess at the time I didn’t take her advice. I am happy that my post-bac is flexible where I am not required to finish in a certain amount of time or even take science courses every semester. I started to question life so I thought I should take a metaphysics course that directly addresses this question or more of “What is the meaning of life?”. I had never taken any philosophy or psychology before but was very interested. I just wanted to take the semester and figure out what the heck I wanted to do with my life and my career.

I was disappointed to get my grades for chemistry and physics from last fall, but then kind of proud all at the same time. I basically shut down in October after the first exams. I thought since I don't want to go to med school until I am 30 and being 24 now and knowing that the classes expire in 5 years, I will just need to retake these anyways. I want to enjoy my life! So I did. I ended up with a B+ in physics and a B- in chemistry. I am really not proud of the B-, but for not studying at all and walking into every exam fresh—it’s not too bad. I knew that I had an aptitude for this stuff. I was happy to confirm it at least.

So I thought maybe I would do physician assistant for a while. I knew I needed chemistry but not physics so I am just taking chemistry this semester.

Now I get to the title of diary. I guess the question of heart or head is because I really feel like I want to be a doctor in my heart but in my head I know it is not the right thing for me. Here are some reasons why being a doctor is not right for me:

• Last month I thought I was pregnant because I was late for my period. During that time I did not panic and was not even upset. I actually kind of liked the feeling. I decided to wait one more week before taking a pregnancy test. During this time I got my period but realized that I would really like children some day. And I would like at least one before I am 30.
• I get bored very easily. Even in my hobbies I change my mind all the time. And they are not even related like sewing, and then dance and then pottery and then reading. It is crazy. I have learned to live with it and try to keep it under control but I think I am like this is my job. I would hate to train in one specialty and then have to do another 3 years of residency to train in another after I get bored. I probably won’t do that so I would just be miserable for the rest of my career.
• To get my GPA to a competitive level I would not be able to go attend med school until I was 30. If I want to have kids, where does that fit in?
• Sometimes I don't like to have a huge amount of responsibility. At my current job it is scary sometimes to be making such important financial decisions.
• The hours and the time. I am not sure I can commit to giving up my hobbies and my life for about 7-10 years. I really like having time to myself or to spend with family or my husband. I know one day I would have that but I don't want to miss 7-10 years of it.

The bottom line is, if I were 21 or 22 applying to med school with a decent shot to of getting in—I would definitely go for it… but at this point I am thinking it is not the best decision for me. I might be excited to get in, but once I’m there with the hours, etc. I will hate myself for doing that to myself and my husband.

So I was thinking PA might be the best way to go since it is similar to an MD but with more flexibility, in hours and in changing specialty,etc. But I am not excited about being an eternal resident. So I thought maybe NP would be good. While I am not excited about the nursing model, an NP is higher level of nursing and since nursing is an older profession I could have more room for career growth.

I finally have a plan to get out of cubicle land hell. I just got my EMT license last month after the practical and written state exams. I also got a job at a prominent hospital here in clinical research. I think I am going to love it. I will work with people. The department seems nice. I get to go to clinical one day per week with doctors, etc. I thought that maybe through this time I can observe the different roles, shadow some people and get a clearer picture about what I want.

I am excited about having a job in medicine and still being able to have a life, but I think I will always wonder if I could have done medical school. I know I am smart enough to go. It is just that I have to get over my ego of being a doctor, being the best….. when I can still make a difference in patient’s lives and contribute to patient care.

I know I would not be happy if my husband left me, even if I were the most prominent doctor with a great social life….. I guess that is telling me something. If I really really really want to pursue med school, wouldn’t I be willing to lose everything for it?

After reading Lawtomd’s diary, I picked up that book 20 something 20 everything. I am only in the first chapter but love it!!! I think it will really help me. I think I just need to calm down and figure out what I want. But I always feel like I am running against a clock. I feel like I have lost so much time already. I don't know what kind of clock it is—biological, universal? But it is not a good feeling. Rushing has never got me anywhere… and more importantly it got me nowhere!

If anyone has any thoughts I would love you to PM me. Logically I know it is impossible that I am the only one feeling this way, but it is really easy to feel all alone in this.


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13 years 11 months ago #68634 by kitty13
Well I guess I am going to write two posts today since I have the time. I have a chemistry exam on Thursday and am so stressed. :( I get the homework and practice problems but the practice exam is another thing. I think when I was doing them though, I was really not in the mood and too lazy to attempt to expand my knowledge. I am going to try them again right before the exam.

I got home from work today and did some studying and reviewing, answered some emails. My husband picked me up and I always try to be in the best mood but after leaving cubicle-land hell, I need some time to calm down and get out of my mood.

He took a nap and I studied. He is always cranky when he wakes up, so when we just went grocery shopping it wasn’t the most pleasant experience. :rolleyes: Now he is cooking. I always feel guilty when he cooks his own food. I am a vegetarian and he is not, so we always eat different things. I love the process of cooking together and eating together, which we get to experience sometimes, but today I feel like I should just stay out of his way. Isn’t it weird how guys seem to have their moods too? Anyone else experience this? :confused:

I feel crazy sometimes—like my mind zips around. :goodvibes:

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13 years 11 months ago #68635 by kitty13
Here I am again, back to the daily grind. :rolleyes: I do get the day off tomorrow though to do my volunteer training and study the rest of the afternoon for my chemistry test that evening.

I start my new clinical research job on May 1. :D I was thinking to take one week off in between but the more time goes on the more I can’t wait to get out of cube-land so I think I will take two. I do not have plans to go anywhere as my husband is in school full time. Maybe I will take a 3 day yoga retreat in the Berkshires, about 2 hours from where I live. They are inexpensive and I feel like I really just need to relax.

I usually try to do yoga to relax. I love Baron Baptiste yoga—the room is heated to 90 degrees but gets hotter as we all sweat and breathe out. The more people in the room the hotter it gets. I feel so energized after it actually—but not frenzied.

Monday both my supervisors were out of work so I thought—great I can study! But then I remembered I didn’t take my ginormous graphing calculator because they don't know I am taking a class, and it would look suspicious on my desk. So I tried to use the computer calculator but it was not advanced enough. I kept getting the method correct but the answer wrong. So when I got home I double checked on my TI-86 and got it right.

I think I started to get frustrated during the day. I needed to study but was so preoccupied with deciding my future. I felt like my brain was swelling and I just wanted to vomit my brain all over my nice cube-like desk. At 1:30 I put my coat on and ran to the subway to go to my ugrad school. I needed to talk to a career advisor just to bounce my ideas off someone. I knew it wouldn’t be much help and they would say: you need to decide what roll you want to play and talk to people in that roll. You need to shadow lots of different people. I ALREADY know THAT I wanted to scream! I just want someone to tell me what to DO!!!! I have to say though after I talked with the woman I just felt better to have talked about it. Like I mentioned before, I don't really get to talk to people at my work. My husband was in school, but frankly I think he is sick of hearing me change my mind and is ignoring me now because it is too stressful for him to deal with. My mother just gets angry at me and tells me I want too much… and I don't want to talk to friends because none of them has any idea what I am going through and I don't want to bog them down with my INSANITY…..

I got on the subway to come back to work and some guy started singing a soul ballad. :banghead: And it was not a quiet humming or singing to one’s self…. This was belting out Broadway style….. I was trying to read a book peacefully before going back to cube hell and he couldn’t give me that… I literally thought I was going to jump up and scream in his face— :censored: HOW DARE YOU!!! This is noise pollution!! How dare you subject us all to your soul ballad when maybe we have a headache, maybe we want some quiet!!! I know this is overreacting but it expressed my mood ALL DAY on Monday. It was unbearable—my mood and his soul ballad. Well I went through the whole subway ride gritting my teeth and finally when I got off I looked at him with this evil look, and he stopped immediately. I thought, why didn’t I turn around sooner?

After I returned to work I felt better. I knew I was not going to get any productive studying done so I tried to look at programs on the internet. I also had a nice conversation (in the beginning) with my mother that ended up with her hanging up on me… as usual. I went on to Borders.com and reserved the 20 something 20 everything book. I really hope this will help… I know it is not the total solution but I am willing to try anything at this point.

Yesterday and today have been better, although I have had headaches pretty much all day. I really just need to calm down. Last spring when I was going through this same thing but with less of a focus for a career, I had one day off per week at work. I could go and talk to my career advisor, send out emails to shadow, look at educational programs online, talk to admissions advisors……. But now I am working a full 5 day week and have no time for any of that. I know I need to study in my evenings, and I keep trying to tell myself that if I don't get a good grade there will be no future to research so just concentrate on my grade. It is so hard though.

I think it is also hard because no one at my work knows what is going on. It could be dangerous if someone did. Well I guess I shouldn’t say “no one” because there is one woman here I have made acquaintances with and she knows what I am doing. The other two girls that knew last summer have since left and now I feel all alone. It was so nice to be able to go over to their “cube” and tell them what was happening that day, or how I was excited about an interview, etc. It is like in the morning I have to put on the business hat and then at 530 I need to take it off and put on the chemistry student hat and on Sunday I have to put on the pre-med hat. It is extremely daunting to say the least. I am so scared I may slip one of these days at work and it will be all over. :( I love it when my boss has a meeting or is out so I can take off the business hat for a little and just be me.

I can’t wait for this to end and I think once I start at the hospital I can be just one person all the time! ;)

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13 years 11 months ago #68636 by kitty13
Wednesday PM I set my alarm to wake up at 5:15am to go to my volunteer training for 7am! :yikes: It is definitely early for me since I am not used to waking up until 7:30 or so. Well I was dreading it… I couldn’t get out of bed and was thinking maybe I could reschedule for one of the 3-11pm trainings. Through some power, not my own, I was able to wake up and once I stepped outside at 6am to get the bus, the sky was a beautiful blue color with pink clouds. The colors were so defined and distinct. At that moment I was excited to be awake to enjoy this and happily went on my way to the bus stop.

The training was great. I really liked our instructor. She was a psychologist from a med school affiliated with the hospital. I was in a room full of nurses that actually didn’t like her very much. There was a little drama but all in all I really enjoyed the 5 hour training and feel like I learned a lot.

I also learned something about myself while I was there—I wanted to learn everything I possibly could. The more she talked about neonatal brain development, the more excited I got. I felt like a sponge and wanted to soak in all the words and wisdom she had to offer—even if I would not use it in my volunteering. After that experience I think I know that med school is for me. I was reading a thread in the general discussion forum from pa2md. She wants to learn more and knows that as a PA she has not reached the highest learning curve. Knowing myself, I would probably feel the same way after 5 years on the job.

Also Wednesday night when I got home from work, I got the DO booklet I had been waiting for. There is a DO school about 1 hour from where we live and is in the same town I grew up in. My parents still live there so at least I would save money on the rent. They also offer a couple online courses to complete the pre-reqs that could be started any time. I could do those this summer and take bio next year and take the MCATs to apply for the Fall of 2008. The only problem with this school is that I will not be able to live with my husband… I could use the extra money I would have had for rent, because I can stay with my parents, and help him with the rent. He will be finishing his last year of school. I will talk to the DO school and see if they have rotations somewhere closer to where I am. If I could do two years of academics there but come back for the last two years it might not be that bad…. but I could not live for four years away from my husband.

And if I were to also apply to MD schools here, which I would have a very low shot at because of my GPA, and the orgo class taken online might be a problem. A lab is included, but I need to work out of a facility near where I am. The DO school requires 4 credits of orgo and 4 of biochem, instead of 8 orgo. If I do well on the MCAT I am not sure how this would play out in applying to MD schools here. Some of the MD schools here that I talked to told me to go to an SMP. My ugrad school has an SMP and a med school. This was also where the admissions director was nasty to me… but I could get over that to stay near my husband. But to think of adding another $50K to my debt balance and maybe 2 years before applying to med school.....

I guess I will have to talk to the right people and figure out my options. I am still weary of the time and money it will take to go through med school but I don't think I will be happy if I don't do it…… but then I wonder if I have kids, will that change my mind on everything? I have never been the girl to dream of her wedding and kids…. My parents taught me to dream of college….. from the time I was 6 years old I have been planning for college…..

I feel like I cannot take another 6 weeks at my job…. My brain feels like it is going to explode everyday…… I get mad when they ask me to do stuff… but I feel bad about that because they are paying me—but I would rather be doing something else… like writing in my diary for mommd.com… LOL

Well its almost time for lunch so time to sign off for now… if anyone has any thoughts or opinions… I would love hear them—PM me! ;)

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13 years 11 months ago #68637 by kitty13
Thank you so much everyone for your PMs!!! :yikes: ?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!? I was shocked someone would challenge my decision when she doesn’t know me (#1) and she doesn’t know our situation (#2)…. Maybe I have sick family members and don't want to get into it with her so I give my husband’s school as an excuse…. She doesn’t know…. I responded by saying: “Well I am not going to ask him to transfer.” She said: “No of course not of course not….” I think she noticed the shock in my voice……

As working women I feel that we need to support each other and be there for each other…. Not tearing each other down, challenging and accosting each other….. I get enough of that from male co-workers……

Any thoughts?

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13 years 11 months ago #68638 by kitty13
Well a conversation just ensued with my husband. It is 330am in the Northeast. He came to bed at 2am after I had been asleep for 4 hours. I woke up from him coming in and we chatted a bit about Conan O’Brien and animals for some reason. He seemed in a really good mood. I just mentioned that I cant wait to start my job in May. Then the conversation persisted as follows:

H: So are you still thinking about medical school?

Me: Maybe. I am thinking of the school near my mother’s house. I might only need to be there for two years and can come home in the summers. Maybe you can move a little north to be closer.

H: Do you really think your mother will want you to live there again?

Me: Sure. My sister will be out of the house for college. I can stay in her room and save on rent there and help you with rent here.

H: Where are you going to work?

Me: Working is almost impossible during med school. I will be studying all the time. I might be able to pick up EMT shifts now and then but it wont be much.

H: How are we going to live?

Me: We will have to take loans. Just like for your undergrad.

H: How are you going to get in with your GPA? You told me it was low for applying to med school?

Me: They usually look at upward trends. If I do well in my sciences and the MCAT I still have a good chance.

Then he just turned over and said that was it…… he didn’t want to talk any more. I said we need to talk about this because I cannot move forward in my decisions until I know how he feels. He said it was not an important conversation :eek: and that he needed to sleep—it was 3am after all.

Me: You were just all excited about Conan O’Brien and now you are tired and ready to sleep the next minute?

H: Its 3am and I have to work tomorrow…..

Me: You don’t have to work until 6pm….

Nothing.... :boggled:

So I just left and came out to the living room…he hates it when I do that but I was angry and needed to get away from him. After thinking for 5-10 minutes I went back in and said, “I just feel like I am making decisions all alone. These decisions also affect you.” He keeps trying to interrupt me that he needs to sleep and why do I need to keep this conversation going since it will never be over—since I change my mind all the time.

I said that I feel like he is waiting for me to make a decision and then he can make his decision about whether or not he wants to stay with me but what needs to happen is we need to keep communication open to deciding together. I told him that if he doesn’t like the idea of me going to med school an hour away for 2 years, then he needs to speak up about it. I think he assumes that I make my decision and that I am not flexible. I told him that I am flexible and things also depend on where we are in 3 years and if our relationship can handle it. I think in the last month alone our relationship has made considerable bounds….mostly due to me getting out of my little manic depressive state from the fall.

I was reading this book that the woman is the creator of the environment. How true!! After only a day or less of changing my mood—because I couldn’t stand his anymore—his attitude changed too.

Like I said before, it is like pulling teeth. I told him that we need to talk about these things and I said he needed to give me another time (appointment) of when we can talk. He said Sunday PM, but he is usually cranky because he works Sat PM until 4am and then wakes up at 9am to work all day. He just wants to sleep and the last thing he wants to do is talk. Then after he naps he wants to do homework.

I just don’t know what to do. I was very strong about medicine before (last summer)… basically telling him medicine was my life and he could take it or leave it, meaning me. But in all honesty I think I was taking him for granted and have since learned that I am really not willing to sacrifice my marriage for it. I just think I need to try medicine at least.

I think if we keep making progress in our relationship, it will fine if I got to school for 2 years away—and come home in the summers. I just need him to be on board. I told him I couldn’t keep walking on eggshells around him because he can’t handle the med school talk.

Sometimes I feel like I need to just keep my business to myself and when I get accepted we can talk more about it. If I don’t get accepted, then we would have fought all this time for nothing. I only plan on applying to that one school and it will not be so expensive. I just want to be able to share the dreams of my future with him, and my fear, etc. but I guess he cannot handle it.

I know he is stressed about his own school and taking loans, etc. I just wish he could get over it and realize that he will be better off with a college education and 70K in loans than working in the restaurant business. He makes a great living now as he works at a ritzy place, but he likes physics and engineering. He likes to think and intellectual work. He will not be happy in the long run if he doesnt go to college. I also know he wants to be an educated person. He struggled with the decision to go to college last year. I am glad he finally decided to go and is working hard towards that goal. I tell him everyday how proud I am of him!

See these are the things we need to talk about—should I go while he is in school? Will he move closer? Should I just wait until I am accepted before we discuss these things again?

I guess I also have an internal battle going on. I really feel in my heart that medicine is right for me. I wish I wanted a career that took less work and schooling. It just so happens that the one I chose isn’t one of those careers. I am gifted in the math and science area. I really feel the need to help people and I have always been interested in health. I love to keep learning. I am trying to look for all these signs that tell me medicine is right for me. I also looked for the signs about my current job. I saw them there too so it makes me weary sometimes.

I guess I will just need to be patient. Mommd has been great for me—but sometimes I just want to share my life with my husband. Its 4am now and I am going to try to sleep before I need to wake up. I was very excited to wake up early and volunteer and get home before my husband gets up (around 12 or 1pm). Now I am feeling upset and sad. Maybe after some sleep I will feel better…… :(

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