I guess I feel like a failure today. :boggled: He is grown man. He was not asking for the attention, and I was putting all the pressure on myself, but I hate seeing him unhappy, especially when I feel like it has something to do with me. I got really clingy this day and was annoying, even to myself. I was also upset because I was thinking, I needed to study too, and when he needs to study, I busy myself and read or study so I stay out of his way and he can do what he needs. Instead he just sulked and dragged me down in the hole with him.
I think we will be OK but it is really hard to keep quiet when I just want to talk about our issues and deal with them and get them over with. He would rather just let them blow over. That just ignores the problem and it compounds. There are so few times he wants to talk too. I just feel like maybe he resents me because I am not turning out to be the person he thought I was or that he married. I know that people change but I think men have a hard time dealing with change. He is also young so my mother tells me he will mature eventually.
I feel like a failure as a wife, because I am not able to help him pay for school since I took a new job. He didn’t want me to do get a new one last summer, and I planned to anyway, but it ended up not working out. I stayed at my current job but some things happened recently where I have to leave in order to make sure I keep some kind of income. He understands that and encouraged me. He is also more understanding about the whole medical school thing. I guess he is just disappointed. I also think he could be a little scared—but I am too…. I wish we could share that feeling together rather than separately.
I also feel like a failure because I can’t seem to keep the house as much I want or cook all the time for him. He doesn’t want me to be the traditional housewife, but I still feel like I should be doing something more. He is VERY picky about food and would just prefer to prepare it himself. The house is not cluttered or messy but it doesn’t always get the attention it should for dusting, vacuuming, etc. The kitchen and bathroom stay clean though. We don't have things on the floor, but it seems to still not be clean enough…..
I also have been having a hard time staying in shape lately—which I know is important to him and it is affecting our intimacy. But then I think, well it could be worse. Despite my genetic lot to be overweight I usually never go over 140 lbs, and even though now I am about 145 I think he should be understanding, since I have been under lots of stress lately. I am not obese. I have men in my office and male friends commenting me all the time, and I know these men would not say it just to say it, but I cant even get my own husband to look at me. His is the only opinion I care about, and it really hurts, which compounds the problem I think.
Since reading the R.S. book, I have made a commitment to myself to get certified as a yoga instructor. I love yoga and it is something I really want to do. I have just been so depressed lately that I haven’t been able to go since before Christmas…. How ironic is it that this is when I need yoga the most.
I feel like a failure as a working woman because I could not handle my job. My husband always tells me “I didn’t marry a student”, meaning he doesn’t want me to be a student forever. He thought I was going to have this job forever and make lots of money and help him reach his dreams. But it turns out I am unreliable on that.
And worse of all I feel like all this is affecting his school work and his future and dreams. I do my best to encourage him and help him study or work a math problem. But financially it is hard for me to help right now.
I feel like a failure because last semester I let my grades go when I shouldn’t have. They are not terrible, but I could have easily gotten A’s and I just stopped studying.
I have learned why I have revolving interests and can’t seem to ever finish anything since reading the R.S. book and I plan to change and correct that. But if I have this goal of getting a yoga instructor cert. and I cant seem to get over my emotions to get out of the bed in the morning to get to yoga, even when I am wide awake and full of energy, then I don't know how that will happen, so I fail there as well.
I DID walk 20 minutes to the subway today instead of taking the bus so I feel like I was working on getting in shape since I couldn’t get to yoga. I feel good about that. It also allowed me some time to think and clear my head.
Well I am not going to sulk anymore… sorry for the depressing entry; I just needed to get it down somewhere. I have no work to do yet at work, and I am going to work on my yoga plan and a healthy eating plan. I really need to get back to yoga… It helps me to be healthy in all other areas of my life. Maybe I will make it this evening or tomorrow morning. :scratchchin:
This is going to be my second journal entry for the day, because I figured I have the time, so why not?
So I talked with my dad about the issues in my last post. He said to just go about and do my own thing. It will make me happier first of all, and second it will encourage my husband to be in a better mood as well. He thinks I take too much responsibility for his happiness, which is so true. I really need to start letting go and letting him take responsibility. The attention he gets from this bad mood just fuels the behavior. How men are like children! LOL :rotfl:
Well, all in all I think my father is correct. I called my husband to wake him up but have not called him since. I do not regularly call him when I feel comfortable in our relationship, but when we had a fight or I am not comfortable, I call him every hour and driving him crazy, which in turn drives me crazy. I am not going to ask him for a ride home from work but walk home myself. It will be nice to get the exercise and clear my head once again.
I found a new yoga place near my work. I am not sure what I will do when I change jobs, but they should have a new studio opening some time soon near my apartment. I am really excited about it. :hyper:
I have also been giving more and more consideration to D.O. schools. I was conflicted last summer about their philosophy and not really sure what I thought about it. The more I think about it though, the more I really agree with the way D.O.’s practice. I am also fascinated by natural medicine and holistic health. I think the DO philosophy will coincide more with this than the allopathic route. There is only one school near here. I grew up in that town and it is about 1.5 hours away. My parents still live there and I am not sure I would like to live with them during the year or not. Well I guess I better wait and see if I am accepted or not! I have been in touch with a student from this school and she has awesome things to say.
I didn’t take a lunch break today so I should be able to leave around 4:15pm. I wasn’t bored at all. I have been researching yoga instructor places and planning my study time for my exam after spring break (which I have right now). I feel like I had a personally productive day. I love those! Well I better sign off now and get ready to go home!!!
Well yesterday was another dramatic evening with the husband. We got over it by dinner though and I went to yoga. :goodvibes: I felt so great after and it was something I really really needed. I just need to keep it up. There is a yoga studio near my current job that I really want to start going to, but after I change jobs it may be difficult to get there. I have been trying to think of the best way to incorporate it all.
My boss is out today so again I have nothing to do. My husband thinks I am crazy to loathe the boredom I have here. They are paying me a lot to basically mess around all day. That sounds great in theory and is fun for the first few days, but after a while it becomes BORING! I like fast-paced, chaotic environments. That is where I thrive and do my best. I like organizing chaos. I think I would do well in an Emergency Department.
Well I guess as I follow through on my other interests such as getting a yoga instructor certification, I am finding other things I want to do…. Classic R.S. The only thing is that now I am not sure how all the timing will work out. I think the most important thing is for me to get my DO. After that I will be able to do whatever I want.
I mailed 4 letters to DOs yesterday to ask to shadow them. I emailed 2 others and one came back because the email was incorrect. I have not heard from the other one.
I am going to have the whole summer free so I have been thinking of some things I would like to do in my spare time. I want this summer to be completely academic free because next year will be heavy academically for me. Here are some things I am planning for the summer:
Take a class at the local Adult Ed center on free-lance writing
Finish the cross-stitch Santa stocking I started for my husband last year
Continue with my Yoga, volunteering and writing
Catch up on my reading, make a list
Well that's it for now. My husband seems to be acting very nice today-- a couple calls already....
Well I’ve got more drama for the ladies here at Mommd. My husband finally opened up to me the other night and told me that he doesn’t want to live in a dormitory for the next few years, meaning both of us studying at the same time. He doesn’t think we will make through the few years of being full time students and after when we come out of that time, everything in our lives will be a mess. He would NEVER tell me not to follow my dreams or pursue what I want, but he will also not tag along with me on these adventures if he doesn’t want to. So I think he tells me how it is and then I have a decision to make.
He thrives on stability. I cannot fault him for that since he came from the former Soviet Union. The bottom line: I really do not think our marriage will survive me going to medical school any time soon. It is also not fair for me to go ahead and pursue my dreams when I promised him I would help him reach his. I would be a happier housewife married to him, than a divorced doctor—Bottom line! So I know what I need to do now is damage control. I have made a mess of the both of our lives in the last year and I need to fix it.
I talked to my supervisor yesterday and asked if there is any way to take back my resignation. I thought he would be thrilled, but he was not. He sounded kind of upset and belittling and I have never seen that side of him before.
There is an opening in another group that I applied for and know the manager very well. I would love to work for her and the pay would be the same. The work would be just as boring as what I have now, and I would still have the same light workload to pursue my own interests when I wanted. The other factor is our company is moving in the fall to a location about 30 minutes south of where we live now. I can still use public transportation but it will take me a lot longer to commute. I figure I can use this time to read or study.
I have been also worrying the last couple of weeks on my own and have had more anxiety about the salary cut. I still have a lot of debt to pay off, but I figured I would push through and get into med school ASAP. It doesn’t look like that will happen any time soon, so I don't see the point in taking a 50% pay cut for the next 4 years when I can pay off my debt and save at least $20K per year.
So I tell him last night that I will not plan on going to medical school any time soon and that I will be staying at my current job to save money. He got REALLY mad and screamed and told me to not to sacrifice for him and he doesn’t want to hear me complaining about my sacrifice forever…… I understand that… and he is also stressed about yet ANOTHER change I have made……
I told him I made these decisions on my own…. I see it like this: if I were to pursue my career at the expense of my marriage, THAT would be sacrificing myself. He doesn’t get that. I try to explain but he yells and screams and doesn’t want to hear it.
OK well, things have been much calmer and better in my house the last few days. I think my husband is relieved that I will not be going to school at the same time as him. Things could always change and we could find it would be beneficial to go at the same time. I guess we will see how things play out. I have been thinking about other career options and biomedical engineering sounds really good.
I am actually much less stressed now that I don't feel pressured to go to med school right away. I was rushing through it b/c I wanted to get out ASAP and have a kid and go to through residency right away and all that. I know it would harder once I have kids, but I guess I was forcing myself into it too fast. I feel much less pressure and more relaxed to think about what I want to do.
I am still waiting to hear whether or not I can stay at my work. They should give me more information on Wednesday. I feel like that is SOOOO long to wait. I am such an impatient person too. And I have my chemistry exam Thursday PM. At least the studying is keeping me busy and my mind occupied.
Well I was hoping by now I would have an update for my diary, but nothing so far. After talking to the manager of the other position I applied for on Thursday 3/30, my managers and the managers of that position met with HR to make sure everything was cool with me transitioning. They told me I should know Friday 3/31 or early the next week. Well it turns out the managers in the other team were on a biz trip in the earlier part of the week. They were back on Wednesday and had to meet with their co-equals. Then they had to meet with their subordinates, with whom I would be working, on Thursday. They set up meetings for me with 4 of the team members on Friday. They told me I should know after that meeting. :boggled:
I was trying to laugh along with her… and I feel like she felt bad and was trying to make light of the situation, but I was thinking…. WOW that is a lot of money I could have potentially lost by her telling me that…… with everything else that was going on in my marriage, and the fear of having such a large pay decrease if they don't keep me on….. I really need every cent I can get at this point…..
So here I am, still in the waiting process, until Thursday. I was fine last week. I got a couple of calls from other companies interested in me, and potentially offering at least 5K more salary per year. But the thing is, I want to be somewhere that I can have a flexible schedule, a light mental workload, and have a good relationship to negotiate time off as I need it. I think even if I do get offered more money, I will still stay here at my company. I am continuing to talk and interview with the others just in case they don't take me here. Everyone keeps saying be patient, everything will work out for the best…… and I have said these things to comfort others during stressful situations, but I can’t help thinking: You people don't know what you are talking about. How do you know it will all work out for the best? Unless you are in my EXACT situation, SHUT UP!!!
Maybe that is too harsh, but I am really tired of being strung along. I know this is all the corporate political process of everything but it just makes me more angry that I have to stay in a situation like this… and now I NEED THEM…. Which I hate also… I have to admit, I was a but smug when I gave my notice. I was thinking, THANK GOD I don't need YOU people anymore!
And other thing is EVERYONE I know is asking me about the progress, constantly reminding me of being strung along. I know that I should be happy people care, but I just want to forget about it. Usually I want time to slow down, but these days, I just keep hoping time will speed up until I can have some final resolution with what is going on. I really feel like screaming: FORGET IT!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE—TAKE ONE OF THE OTHERS THAT CAN DEAL WITH YOUR BULL$H**!!!! :censored:
Wow it feels so much better to get it out, even on paper (computer). So the happiness of my 96 in chemistry has faded away and I am bated to wait here until they tell me how I will need to live my life for the next several months. I really made a big mistake in giving my notice too early. I should have discussed with my manager what went on with my big manager offering my job away. I talked to HR about it but they pretended like they didn’t know anything. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone and I needed to take care of myself. So I did what I had to do.
Now look at me.
I just want it all to end. I just need a resolution so I can start planning my financial future. Of course there are still possibilities of other positions, but I cannot assume that.
I feel like today has been the worse of all the waiting days, other than the first Friday after I asked to stay. I am just resentful and feel like I should know by now. First they said that Friday, then they said last Friday, now that are saying this Thursday—Oi!
OK enough complaining…. Time to sign off… and try to keep busy with no work to do until 5pm…….