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14 years 6 months ago #68767 by mommd2b
Things are feeling a little better today. Last night, dh and I had a long talk about everything.

I told him that I quite simply have to have a break so that I have time for me occasionally. Everything that I do seems to be geared towards meeting someone else's needs. Something important missing in my life is.....me.

We've agreed to find a sitter one morning a week so that I can get out and just have time for myself. He has also offered to take a few days off so that I can fly out and visit my mom one weekend.

Surprisingly, he agree with everything that I said last night...he realizes that he hasn't been giving me any time to myself and recognizes that I need a break from the house too.

He let me leave for a few hours and go to Barnes and Nobles and it was...fabulous. I didn't have to chase any kids around or sit in the kid's area with them while he got to browse through the "grown-up" books. I got to have coffee and walk through every book section that I wanted..I haven't done something like that in ages...really.

We have also been trying to put our house on the market...but I've been the one painting the house, doing repairs, calling the floor people about getting our floors sanded, etc....and he has agree to help out now. His excuse has always been "I have to work" :rolleyes: He didn't realize how many things I have on my "to do" list and how burned out I am..

I feel relieved to know that I will be getting a break.

kris

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

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14 years 6 months ago #68768 by mommd2b
Wow...amazingly, several things have kind of fallen into place today and I feel the stress melting away. A friend of mine from the area who I did several things with has been out of town and she just got back last night and phoned me while I was adding the previous entry. She is ready to 'get together' again and I am eager for the 'grown-up' interaction. We were working on putting together a german language program here and she still is intersted...She also is a sahm to 3 kids and understands how bad it can be. When we first met, she used to tell me about how she read these novels to her kids at lunch time during the summer, etc and I felt really insecure. Her whole house is like a huge craft closet...and mine is just a dustbowl :laughing: .

This morning I told her it had been a rough summer because of the isolation and the fact that the kids are all at such different ages with such different needs. It was a great conversation. She was visiting her mom and told me that even with mom there to help that she was just'on the ledge' 1/2 the time.

It's been a tough summer for many of us, I guess. Judging from some of my PMs and my personal phone calls I know I'm not alone. Thanks to all of you who responded and let me know that you've been there too...and managed to emerge! :grouphug:

All of our summers around here are usually so positive and fun that this has been a real bummer. DH has decided that we're all 'going on vacation' and he's been calling with his schedule for August so that we can get away for a few days!

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

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14 years 6 months ago #68769 by mommd2b
Maybe I hit the wall and have finally moved beyond it...Yesterday was a good day and interestingly, several different things fell into place, including meeting back up with a couple of friends as well as a new part-time job opportunity for the Fall. Just knowing that I will have the chance to earn my own small income and keep my brain working are uplifiting. It occurred to me that after my summer session of teaching ended that I really fell into the hole. Maybe it is because I realized that there was nothing to come after it? I've always had something going on the side and I began to recognize that this Fall there would be nothing for me that would be different than today. Of course, the fact that I ended up taking care of our neighbor's daughter was a mistake.

In any case, this child is now at her dad's house for the rest of the summer! :yes:

The guy finally came to look at sanding our floors this morning. We also had him give us an estimate of what it would cost to replace the carpeting in our living room/dining room with wood....and the estimate was surprisingly .... reasonable.

We're planning on putting the house on the market, but we feel it would be good to invest in higher end floors for our entry way. As it is, we have dingy, white (well, it was white) older carpet...time for it to GO!

It's nice to finally be able to afford to think about doing these kinds of repairs.

kris

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

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14 years 5 months ago #68770 by mommd2b
Wow...I've had such a string of 'good days'. Even the days that were challenging have felt good to me lately. Never underestimate the value of getting the neighborhood kids to come over only...occasionally! :p Things have been so much more manageable!

My oldest was in his play Wed. and Thurs. of last week and it was fabulous. We recorded it all on DVD. He was so proud. I can't believe how big he is.

My daughter (age 9) seems to suddenly be maturing and blossomng. It's just unbelievable to look at her or talk with her. She was a difficult toddler and even more difficult in preschool/early elementary school...in the last few weeks she has become such a joy! She is always asking if she can babysit our youngest (while I'm home of course!!!) and "what can I do to help in the house" :yikes: .."you know mom, I'm going to be a mom someday too". Most recently, she has decided that she 'needs' deoderant (she's 9) :D . It's adorable to see how she's growing.

Most significantly, she asked me a few days ago whether I was planning on going back to work in the Fall. I'm working on bringing a german school to the area and she heard me discussing it with my husband: "How could you? Now what will we do?" I had no idea what she was talking about. The German school is a Saturday program, but I'll also be teaching in her school. She thoguht I would be at work full time. At first she kept asking about our 21 month old "how can you DO this to him" she asked?

The truth is that if I worked full-time they would adjust beautifully...and there would be no harm done..really. But it was nice to know that they like having me there..that this is 'fun' for them....I felt a sense of peace that this had been the right decision for our family.

That being said, I've been revisiting career decisions. The only real choice I've made is to wait a few years. When the time is right, I'll go back to school. Until then, I want to try and enjoy this time.

kris

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

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14 years 5 months ago #68771 by Flexdox
You go girl...that inspired to look at the bright side...always..and know that this is just a season of life,even though it sometimes feels like a Chicago winter! ..and you are thriving. Keep up the good work! meg

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14 years 5 months ago #68772 by mommd2b
It's kind of ironic that I've been thinking about the 'seasons' of my life and then I came here and read Meg's comment. (Thanks Meg).

There's a Muppet song called "Somebody's Getting Married".

The muppet babies sing "Days go passing into years" and the old muppets sing "Years go passing day by day"

Remember when you counted each day of summer anticipating the start of the next school year? How about counting the days until the weekend? Your Birthday? Christmas?

In my life now, I have stopped focusing on the day...or even the month. There is so much to be done that my focus now has become "next year"...."I'll add more perennials next summer" "We'll put the house on the market next year", "we'll visit home next summer"...and now 'next year' comes so much more quickly that there are times where I have had to put off a task for yet another year. Time has simply galloped on ahead of me.

I remember being pregnat with my first child. We lived in Germany and were planning to move to the UK in a year...it seemed like I still had forever in germany...and then..it was over. We moved to N. Ireland for what was to be a year and I imagined that the time would never end...our adventure there would give me time to relish and enjoy the experience more...and yet...suddenly the time was over and we were moving on.

I felt that my experiences in Germany (where I lived for several years)and N. Ireland would never be far from my memories or my heart..and yet now, 9 YEARS later, it almost feels like we never lived there. When I look through our photo albums it is hard for me to imagine that that time in our lives was real.

I thought that I would never forget how my first baby smelled....his first word, the day he took his first steps...and I didn't write these things down. I didn't think I would ever forget what they were like as babies...and now, the only thing that I have that connects me to that time are my photographs.

There are times now when my 9 year old daughter jumps onto my lap that I realize that I have to burn this memory into my mind. She is getting older and soon...she will be too big for my lap. A time will come before I'm ready, that she will be moving on into adulthood...and eventually it will be her daughter jumping on my lap.

Life is galloping on...moving forward at a pace that feels indescribably fast to me.

When my older children were babies I didn't feel too concerned about putting my career ambitions on hold. "There will be time for me" I consoled myself with the certainty of a woman in her mid-twenties that felt she would never hit the magic age of 30. 30 was my goal...at 30 I would definitely be back on the career track...I would be skinnier again, more confident and I would feel more...grown-up.

I'm 35 now...the skinnier part unfortunately hasn't happened yet...and I would say I'm not really more confident...I have just reached a point in my life where I feel entitled to my opinion and I don't really care what anyone else thinks :D . But more grown-up? No...I don't really feel like I thought I would feel as a busy mom of 4. I feel like the same old me. My 61 year-old mother informed me yesterday that she feels the same way..that one of the big secrets of life is that you never really feel 'grown-up'. Wow, what a shocker. Now, I've revised my career-plan again. The magic number is now 40. Though this time, I realize that this number is ephemeral and subject to change...because Life happens.

I want to start living live each day again..not year by year or God forbid, decade by decade. The first 10 years of our marriage, my husband and I lived for tomorrow. "If we can just get through the USMLE...internship year...residency...fellowship...the first year out of training, then ....." And now, I just want to enjoy each day.

I have made a conscious decision to slow down...to take each day now and to savor the time I have left at home with my children. I don't know what the future brings, but one thing is certain: Years from now, they will leave the nest and this season of my life will be but a memory...it's one I am determined to enjoy.

Get off of the computer, grab your kids..and go to the park you guys! Do it now...do it this evening...just do it.

Kris

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

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