As you know I am starting medical school in the fall. I am really embarrassed by this, but I am even more afraid. I have been going with the date of June 30th as the deadline to submit my FAFSA for financial aid, but this morning I stumbled onto a place on my school's website that said April 1st was the dealine. I went ahead and completed it this morning although the tax information is just guess work because I haven't received the copy of my tax return yet from the man who did it for me (for free). I was waiting on him since I thought I had until the 30th. Now I am really freaked out.
I emailed the school with my situation, but I am sure I will not hear back from them until Monday at least. I know that in the past I have enrolled in school days before classes started and I was still able to submit a FAFSA and receive financial aid with no problem. I am really hoping this will turn out to be the case here...but I don't know.
Please pray with me about this. I have no idea what we will do if this doesn't work out. This is really, really upsetting.
From June 15th, 2006:
We went to Galveston, just got back home a couple of hours ago. I was supposed to work tonight but I had to call in. Caleb started throwing up this morning and continued all the way home. I literally threw his car seat away. I normally wouldn't do a thing like that, but it was a hand-me-down to begin with, very worn...and I have washed that seat cover so many times I don't think it could take it one more time. I already have another carseat. I was going to give the vomit one to goodwill anyway...but I couldn't in good conscience even do that. Nasty! Anyway, it was a very loooooong drive home.
We found a house...we hope. We are still waiting on the approval. They are taking their sweet time running our credit and all of that mess. We are worried about that because I'm afraid our credit is shot. But, Melanie, the lady who helped us find this house, seems to think it will be OK. Please be praying about that for us. If we don't get this house, I'm pretty much out of ideas at that point.
It is a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 1 car garage and it has a litlle storage shed in the back yard. It's kind of old and not really that pretty, but it would give us more room and it's a house, not an apartment. The rent is $800, only $5 more than we are paying now. All the other houses we looked at were $1100 a month which is a bit out of our price range. We were really toying with the idea of one of the houses, in fact, we had pretty much decided it was the one we wanted, and just as we decided that Melanie called us back and told us that the family who owned it had just decided not to rent it afterall. So we took that as a "no" from God. Besides, even though the $800 house wasn't our first choice at first, it has really grown on all of us. I can honestly say I am really excited about it...now if they would just call and give us the approval.
The other thing that was so traumaitc/funny was the bugs. They are a-plenty down there. One of the reasons my family was so turned off at first by the house we are hoping to get was because there were great big, but dead, tree roaches all over the place; at least three laying belly-up in every room of the house. I thought Caleb was going to be scarred for life!! Melanie assured us that we can exterminate and live bug-free. I hope she's right or my dh and kids are going to have to go to therapy. The kids were screaming bloody-murder and dh could not get over the size of those monsters.
Well, dh is alseep, the kids are playing...Caleb acts like he is feeling better for a little while and then he starts crying about his tummy again, and I am still washing vomit :tired: . I AM going to eat sometime tonight, then I plan to sleep for a very long time.
Oh, by the way, we had such a good time playing on the beach. I think we could really become real, live beach bums! The kids built their first sand castle (mine, too, I think) and we played in the water...all without sunburning our glow-in-the-dark white selves. I did good with the sunscreen this time! Oh, and dh got pinched on the foot by a crab. It drew blood, and dh thought that was a great souvenir.
I did get some information about my financial aid. It sounds like it is significantly less than we were hoping. So...we need prayer about that, for my dh to find a job, and for this house approval to come through.
From June 16, 2006:
They didn't call and they didn't call. Tought I was gonna go crazy. Finally, I talked to Melanie and she finally got a hold of the woman at the managemant company who told her it was a go from her perspective. Now we just need a "yes" from the owner of the house (kind of a strange set-up from what I have ever known ). Melanie said it would be really strange for them to say "no" at this point. She said she will call tomorrow with the absolute final word. But she said we should be able to relax now...the house should be ours to live in.
Seems kind of silly to me...do they want our money or not? We've got to give it to somebody and we are model tennants .
Anyway...feeling a bit of relief. Will completely let my breath out tomorrow.
Thank you for all of your prayers and good thoughts.
On a side note...they called me off at the hospital tonight. I will miss the income, but it feels so good to have the night off!
I am so overwhelmed by what I feel and by what I have to do and what people expect from me and how I fall short.
Where do I start?
Yesterday evening: I had come in from work late Sunday morning. Everyone was asleep. My dh did not have to fill in at the church he has been for the last three months. Last week was his last Sunday there. So I took a bath and went straight to bed. I slept hard. My alarm was going off way too soon. I was so incredibly tired. I dragged myself out of bed. Dh had come in and wanted to know if I wanted him to go grab me a burger or something. Since we are in the middle of packing, our grocery situation leaves a bit to be desired...and we really don't want to try to cook in the middle of this mess. So he went to get me something to eat. I got ready to go, he got back with dinner from Wendy's, and I sat down to inhale it in the 6 minutes I had before I needed to be out the door.
He started talking to me about what he has been learning online about killing roaches. The thing is that in south Texas roaches are very happy, and chances are that we will be dealing with them. I know that it is possible to live almost bug free, but as far as I can tell, you just might see the occassional bug. I know that was true when we lived down there when I was a little girl. So he starts telling me how he thinks that the house just might be infested. I told him that I didn't think so...since we saw no live bugs during the house's most vulnerable time...being empty. Anyway, as stupid as this was, apparently there was something in my delivery of that statement that made him think I was mad at him. I really wasn't. I tried to tell him that, but he would not drop it. And with him badgering me about it, I finally did get mad at him. So we started this insane, ridiculous argument that was making me late for work.
The thing about work is this: I called in Thursday night because that is the day we were traveling back and my son threw-up in the car all the way home and it turned out to be a very long drive home, and I just couldn't handle a 12-hour shift after that. Then after that, Friday night, they called me off because we are in the middle of a huge building project and they have shut half of our department down and let other departments absorb our patients. So they don't need as much staff. I worked Saturday night, but I when I first got there, they said they had to send somebody home and asked if I wanted to go, but another girl did since I hadn't worked and I really need some income. So last night, since all the crap was going on at home I called the hospital since I was already late and asked about staffing. Turns out they were going to send me home at 11PM anyway, so they said it would be OK if I didn't come in since I had stuff going on. (I didn't tell them it was a dumb-butt fight with my dh.)
So, dh keeps telling me that he knows when something is not right with me and wants to get to the bottom of it and that is why he was badgering me about being upset (although I STILL say I was not upset with him until he wouldn't leave me alone.)
So, you know, I did tell him what stays on my mind constantly. I can't really put them in any order of importance...all together it's overwhelming. When I actually say or write it, I can't seem to put the fire or pain or whatever it is behind it that actually seems to fuel it in my heart.
I think about our baby situation every single day at some point, some days--probably every minute of the day...it is constantly there. At work we are always asking people to rate their pain on a scale of 1-10, and then to describe the quality of their pain: "Is it burning, aching, dull, sharp, constant, intermittant, throbbing, stabbing, shooting, etc.?" Can pain be all of them at the same time? At different times of the day I would describe the pain as any one of those things.
I truly cannot imagine being nearly 31 weeks pregnant right now and trying to do all of things we are; moving, packing, stressing, facing no money with a baby on the way, facing my going off to medical school and leaving dh to take care of two little kids and a newborn. But, what I am left with is the knowledge that my little somebody will not be running around my house...ever. I am faced with the death of my baby. I am faced with this still awful emptiness in my belly and arms. This is more horrible than any stress we would have facing bringing a new life into the chaos of ours. And everyday, I feel like I have to tuck my disappointment, my hurt, my anger, my emptiness into some dark hole inside myself...because no one else can handle it. I don't like to tell my husband how I feel about it because he throws every single piece of rational thought as to why being pregnant, having another baby should not be something I want so badly. "You almost died with Caleb!" "You really want to bring another baby into our family when you are going to be so absent with school and everything?!?!" "How would we pay for everything?" Et cetera ad nauseum. It doesn't matter what he says. It does not take away my hurt or my desire. He cannot fix it, and he does not get that. I am left to deal with my heart on my own...and I still don't know how. I can't fix it either. I believe that God can. People have told me that. But to this point He hasn't, and I really don't know how to let Him either now. I really don't. And I feel like that makes me a bad Christian, and maybe even worse, a bad "minister's wife". (I don't really mean "worse" literally, but I feel pressure from church people to always handle things gracefully and "correctly" and I am just not. I feel like a screw-up.)
Every day the subject comes up. I am always meeting new people...mostly patients...and they all ask about my life. It's nothing meant to be painful. It's just normal chit-chat while I am in their room taking care of them. Are you married? Do you have kids? Really, how many? Do you plan to have any more? I always have a physical pain in my chest in response to these questions. I cannot answer them honestly or painlessly. Every day. Every single day.
A very sweet nurse I work with has been trying to get pregnant for years, and she is now. She just found out, and she is scared to death. She has never had a loss. This is her first pregnancy. I truly, truly am excited for her...and just as scared, if not more so, for her than she is. In a weird way, in her case, I am not even jealous of her, but I find myself feeling angry at God again for the pain of infertility that she has already suffered and feeling like I am saying to God, "Don't you dare let this baby die. It would be cruel and unfair and You better not do it!" Who am I to talk to God like that? I feel almost angry at Him for not guaranteeing the the life of this baby. And I feel guilty for feeling that way, too.
I also feel so guilty about this whole medical school thing. I hate it when dh is talking to somebody about our plans and he tells them how he will be the one at home mostly because "she's basically not going to be there." I know what he is talking about. Rumor has it that I will be spending most of my waking hours in class or studying. These are the reasons I didn't do this years ago, the first time I was in school, because I didn't want to put my family through this. I do feel that I am called to do this, and that if I don't I am making a huge mistake. And we have already sacrificed so much for so long to get here that I wouldn't dare squander that...but I really feel guilty about it. It hurts me when my dh is complaining about his life and "being Mr. Mom." The thing is, if he wanted to, he could have been working this whole time, but he chose to stay at home with the kids and pursue his own business from home mostly, which has not gone well at all to this point. I still believe that it will someday, or I would not have put up with the whole thing this long, but that's another story. I have been the one working more than full-time and going to school...and still being the main one who cleans the house and certainly the only one doing the laundry. I am not saying that being a stay at home dad isn't hard work, because I know that it is. But I would relish the opportunity to stay home more with my kids, the very ones that I wanted with every fiber of my being. I never saw myself as a "career woman". That was never in my orginal plan...but I know I am supposed to do this, and I really am excited about it...but I feel so guilty for being gone all the time.
I also feel guilty/stupid for telling my dh that we should be getting a lot more than it looks we really will be getting for financial aid. I misread at one time that we could expect more than it is turning out to be. Dh does not take news like this well at all. I feel like I must be so stupid or ignorant or both. It just seems like I am always misunderstanding or missing the boat or just not having enough information when I need it or despite all my efforts to find it, I come away with not enough info to make wise decisions and it costs us dearly.
I wanted this to be a good time in our lives despite the obvious stressors that we are facing. For the first time in our married life we will be living in an actual house, not an apartment. We will have more room and a real back yard and no neighbors on the other side of our walls. I am really excited about that. I don't want my dh complaining about everything from the weather down there to the inadequacies of the house. Good grief!!!! has he enjoyed apartment life so much???...no, he has griped about that from day one, too.
So many things hurt my heart right now. Not being able to have my dead babies and not being able to have any other baby in the forseable future. I know I have two beautiful living children...I am so, so, so grateful for them. I just don't feel like our family is complete yet. I feel like we are missing somebody. Maybe I always will feel that way. I feel like a failure as mother and woman. Even though I do have my Kristen and Caleb, I had trouble with their pregnancies and nearly lost Caleb and myself. Why can't I do a pregnancy right? I would just like the opportunity to be a big-bellied, pregnant woman and keep my babies safe and alive. I grew up with two sisters and two brothers in my house and my home now feels empty to me. I want my kids to be able to have the kind of fun and closeness they could have with at least another sibling.
When I say all of this...I feel like I am being petty. I feel like I should be able to get a handle on all of this better than I am. I feel like there must be something really wrong with me.
It just seems like there are so many things hitting me at once...and really they have been for years now...that I cannot deal with it anymore. I am too tired. I can't even really tell you very concisely what exactly is wrong. I know it is an exaggeration, but I feel like everything is wrong. I don't know how to feel better.
In truth, I probably really do need counseling. But I can't seem to make it work (money, time, availability, etc.). Maybe when we get moved I could find somebody...with all my spare time . But, what really scares me is that I would go to counseling, and they can't fix my heart either, so I would come away without the hope of ever feeling better. At least I haven't had a professional try and fail with me to this point. I just don't see how any amount of talking is going ease this pain and desire I have for my lost babies and any future baby. It doesn't seem like there is a cure for this.
When I was a little girl and my parents divorced (it was a very nasty divorce), I became really depressed. It worried/angered my mother that I could not just get over it. So in an effort to please her, I started being funny. I didn't feel like it any more than I felt like walking on hot coals, but I did it so that she would think I was OK and stop giving me a hard time. It was the only way I received praise from her. She would laugh and talk about how funny I was...how clever I was... I feel like that is where I am again. The only way to sort of be OK, is to make people think I am OK. But I'm not...and I don't feel like joking around.
I hope you know that the things I am telling you are things I would NEVER tell anyone in real life. I feel like I am painting the picture of a truly crazy woman. I function quite well in this world. :boggled: People tell me that I am so smart and so strong and so compassionate and that I will be so successful and that God must have something really special in store for me. But I feel like I have them fooled. I feel like, on the inside, I'm just this irrational, hurting person who cannot get a grip. I don't know if it is normal to feel like that or not.
I know that God is doing good work in my life, and I don't want to be ungrateful. I am just too deep in the thick of the mess to see my way out. I am so frustrated.
I should stop here. I have to get dressed and go to the dentist this morning...another aggravating saga in my life...they must run a special for pregnant women in that office...most of the staff is pregnant and usually most of the waiting room is, too...and my stupid tooth that chipped, that was fixed, chipped again...makes me feel ugly .
OK~well, things are better. I got my tooth fixed...but that was ages ago it seems.
We did get moved into our house. House!!!! Did you hear that? I am so happy to be in an actual house. We are adjusting to the change in climate and really enjoying the beach. We have to tone down our enthusiasm about the whole beach thing because apparently people think you must be a tourist if you are really excited about it. We try to be cool. :cool:
Of course, there have been all the frustrations that starting over brings. There have been enormous financial pressures and bumps in the road all this time...but, you know what?? I am in medical school! Officially. It feels really good. They have gone out of their way to make us feel welcome. I feel at home.
My husband has struggled some with the adjustment. He has been mostly a stay-at-home dad for the last four years and he has not yet found a church position down here yet. He is struggling with the feelings that come from knowing that I am where I should be and he does not feel like he is where he should be. I only mention this because I know this cannot be a struggle that only we face as a married couple going through this sort of change with me going to medical school and his career on "pause". I love him and want him to feel secure and be happy. Any thoughts?
I am working hard to heal and to "feel healed" with the loss earlier this year. Grief work is not easy work, especially when it is tangled up with so many other areas of our lives. It's not just about having lost a baby, but it is about my feelings toward myself as a mother and a woman; it is about ending a dream on a bad and incomplete note; it is about all the fears and struggles both my husband and I have in our sex life. It is not easy to just "move on". That being said, we passed our due date and I received my white coat at the same time. I feel better in that I have now entered the time when I no longer think I "should be" pregnant. And this dream...this hard-fought-for endeavor is being realized. This is all very good.
Now that I have internet access after living under a rock for the last two months I hope to be able to come here again more often.
This has been a rough few days. I have written before about the death of my brother-in-law, Stephen. The family has had another terrible loss. Kristen, Stephen's cousin was killed this weekend in a plane crash. There is no way to ease the loss with philosophical answers just yet. My sister, Stephen's wife, who had grown quite close to Kristen since Stephen's death, is now so distraught. My heart breaks for all of it.
4 now believed dead in southwest Colorado plane crash
Four people are now believed to have been killed when a single-engine plane crashed high on the slopes of 14,017-foot Wilson Peak in southwestern Colorado , authorities said Monday.
Authorities originally said three people were killed when the four-seat Beechcraft C33 Debonair crashed on Friday, but San Miguel County Coroner Bob Dempsey said evidence including travel documents and family statements led him to conclude four people were aboard.
The sheriff's office said there were no survivors.
Dempsey said the victims were presumed to be Mark Cochran, 27, of Dallas, the pilot, and passengers Brendan Culvert, 25, of Bellaire , Texas , Kristen Kirkley, 26, of Dallas and James Flanagin, 25, of Houston .
Dempsey said only Kirkley's body was identifiable. Other victims' remains were scattered and unidentifiable, he said.
An autopsy was planned on Kirkley. Dempsey said he was unsure how the other victims' remains would be identified, but DNA testing could play a part.
The plane was en route from Addison , Texas , to Telluride for a music festival, officials said. The Civil Air Patrol launched a search Saturday when it was reported overdue, and searchers in a helicopter spotted the wreckage Sunday morning on Wilson Peak, about 10 miles southwest of this resort town and about 200 miles southwest of Denver.
Rock falls, ice and snow and the steep terrain made the recovery difficult, authorities said.
The plane had been leased to the RFC Dallas flying club, said the plane's owner, John Thompson of Dallas .
Civil Air Patrol 1st Lt. Mark Young said no flight plan had been filed, which hampered the search effort.