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NOT superwoman! messy midlife mommytrack md 1son 4grown steps 3grandbabies

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15 years 8 months ago #68893 by rs4
Hearing others experiences through this website is so appealing to me. It makes me realize how old I am (46)
how tough I am not.

Some bio: married 12 years (my first, his second) to a peds subspecialist, solo psych private practice affiliated with a nurse practitioner, massage therapist and mental health counselors. Took 3 months off after my sons birth (he'll be eight this summer), breastfed forever and we both loved it. Find my work deeply interesting and rewarding and it is FINALLY blossoming financially.

My oldest stepdaughter just had a baby (her 2nd vbac) and we'll go visit next week. People ask me if it is weird to have a young child and grandbabies....no weirder than any other family relationships!......There have been a couple times when I've seen that my husb is less available for granddad duty because of his daddy duty, but mostly the uncle(7) and neices(5,3,0) enjoy each other and are probably more like close cousins.

I go in to my office at 10 on Thursdays and work till 7:30.It's daddy day for my son and they do choir and spelling after school. We live in Florida and it is spring here, so they might play hookey and go to the beach today. I love this quiet morning time at home and am wondering what I'm doing starting a web diary when I could be reading, straightening up, straightening up some more, doing paperwork, walking, dreaming about the future or taking a bath. (You may not be able to pick up the guilt over the net....the other mommds are out doing research and making more money than I am and having impressive academic careers or three kids and a fulltime practice OR making more homemade meals or never feeling rushed on the way to sports practice, I only have one kid for :scratchchin:

Life is life I guess, and I know how off the assumptions others make about my life are, so I'll wish all of you well on your amazing journeys....OK, so its a letter and not a diary, sue me.....I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.....

Time to let the cat in, put my hair up, have breakfast and go to my work world which I love and am grateful for. R

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15 years 8 months ago #68894 by rs4
What a vulnerable experience to get my first private message response to my diary, and to be in the experience of "being out there' with all my foibles, wishes and choices. It feels similar, but less intense then, the first time I read some of my writing to an audience. One of my dreams is writing, and I wonder what form that will take. I was blown away by the moment to moment, detailed descriptions in sleep depriveds diary.

I think the first person I was near when they died was when I was a nursing student. I was learning to give
sponge baths, and remember my awkward embarassment about whether or how to wash this mans genitals (I was 18 and not exactly worldly wise).
The next day I found out he was dead. I no longer remember what he looked like, but can see his hospital gown, the brown laminate tray table, the late morning light of the Chattanooga hospital room. I believe the man was 47 years old and had lung cancer.

Yesterday I got a call to tell me that a former patient (seen by my nurse practitioner) had suicided
this week. I didn't ask for details, but did spend time talking with the therapist who saw this person last week.

A couple months ago I had a former patient of mine die suddenly. The story I heard was that he had a PE from sitting too long at his desk. His primary care MD and I both think it was a suicide. I hadn't seen him for about six months. He
had multiple medical problems plus depression and chronic pain. I don't know why I'm so sure in my gut that he suicided, but that is my sense. I wanted to go to his funeral, but didn't feel I had a "role" to go in since he wasn't my patient anymore. I also had fears about litigation and some wish I could have done something, helped more.

I am fortunate to have a supervisor that I use for advice and review and ventilating and the almost therapy experience of learning my way with the people I work with. A couple weeks after my former patient died I was able to talk with her and, after that phone conversation, to cry.

I work a fair amount with "impaired professionals", mostly physicians with substance problems or boundary issues. It is engaging, difficult and demanding work. Sometimes I feel that I am helping them to find the truth for their lives, sometimes I just wish I could do something direct and simple, an appendectomy or a hernia repair. I was lucky to get to do some surgical work, general medicine and deliveries when I was on active duty in the Navy. I feel much more suited to my current work, but, at least yesterday and today, it isn't as neat and clean as a well closed incision.

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15 years 8 months ago #68895 by rs4
It is an odd week. My son is out of school for spring break, I broke one of my OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive bifocal contacts and have to wear glasses, my husband and I are spending a lot of time talking about our future.

Thursday we'll travel to visit the new grandbaby and my husb go to a meeting at the med school he attended. He is in the interview process to, perhaps, return there and work. We really are in the dilemnas of a two physician marriage. My practice is flourishing, due in part to slow and good growth while I was mommy track and he paid most the bills. It seems as if his job options here are limited and he struggles with feeling overburdened in a corporate medicine setting. Neither of us believes academia will be utopia, but it does feel like home to him. Our families are pretty spread out and there aren't close family either place. I feel very rooted with work and friends and mom connections, but felt very strongly that I couldn't be the force saying no to his interest in changing jobs. Our talk of the future is really something, it sometimes reminds me of our hopes for the future when we were courting.

I am clearly at a point in my life to write more. That urge has been supported by my use of mommd. I'm not sure how often I''ll post this diary, I've had the urge to post everyday! It is returning me to a daily writing practice stimulated in part by the times when I have the urge to go to mommd.

Thank you all for the care and knowledge you bring to patient care. A friend of mine had a bad head bump last week without LOC. After 3 days of weird visual symptoms and headache, she went for ER eval. Her (male) physician clearly did a good eval with CT and gave her good treatment and care. Luckily it was a LONG migraine that responded to toradol. I felt so protective about sending her into a medical, hospital setting that I often see as impersonal or less than optimal in its caring aspects. It warms my hear that she got both good medicine and good care. I know so many doctors that can give that and yet at times feel cynical about the system and any ability to change it

Thanks for reading. R :goodvibes:

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15 years 8 months ago #68896 by rs4
Lots of tasks and possibilities today, but none of us on a schedule. I've been off call for 2 minutes! We plan to fly North, but there is a swath of pretty bad weather, so we are TRAPPED on the florida coast with a beach nearby and a GORGEOUS day here. I feel aware of so much that I want to do in my home, with my practice, with our yard. The beach can take it all away, or grind it up so small it is a different thing altogether. .... (The beautiful beaches here are said to be ground up white granite from the appalachian mountains.)

:wave:

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15 years 7 months ago #68897 by rs4
Sunday evening. Ended up staying home this weekend with my son while my husb went to visit other family. I got to send presents to all the grandbabies, though. I get a bit vegged out when I'm home for prolonged periods, think I get a bit bored.

We got our first sunburns at the beach! I'm usually SO careful, but the breezy March day fooled even me. (Yes, I KNOW the stats on melanoma risk with childhood sunburns.) Went to the beach again today, but more toward sundown. I think I would probably be saner and maybe more productive if I went more often. Being outside is one of my best relaxers.

hubby is "depressed"(I'm sorry, but, really) because his team lost today in NCAA basketball. I should probably be more supportive, actually sometimes I am, but it just
isn't something I really understand. :no:

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15 years 7 months ago #68898 by rs4
Sunday evening again. My big guy and my little guy are snuggled up asleep and the (adolescent male) cat is crying to be let out for an all night party(when he's older...)

I've been depressed over the last week, think it was beginning with the boredom I felt while my husband was gone last weekend. I've missed a couple of days of work with bronchitis. For me my low moods are often associated with physical challenges like after foot surg and chole, and with an intermittantly serious chronic cough. As a psych I think I am careful not to miss the emotional or situational features of illness, but this characteristic, combined with a few self critical obsessive thoughts can MAKE ME CRAZY when I am sick! : why am I sick now? is this because I am stressed out? why am I ALWAYS sick? why can't I be a better mother? have I missed the sign up for spring soccer? why am I so lazy ( being late dictating charts at the VA THIRTEEN years ago?!!!!!, and late getting the yearbook finished when I was the editor in highschool ,1975!!! and why can't I express myself without all these exclamation marks!!!...

Thank god for my matter of fact husb to say "it's only bronchitis" even though it p..ses me off when he says it, and I have to remind him of his tender care when I was sick BEFORE we were married.

I don't think anyone I know would call me a drama queen, but I tend to feel deeply. This is often a joy for me in my work, and is one way I support my patients. I feel a bit removed from hospital work and find it easy to think of that work as beyond me now, or behind me. In a way it is, but I also tend to see others strengths and hard work more than my own. If I was in the room with myself I'd be intimidated ................ :rolleyes: :scratchchin: :ouch:

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