this week i've wondered about whether my practice is worth it. life has been pretty bleak lately and i don't have the business financial reseves that i imagine would help feel more stable or secure. my office is SO disrupted. mostly due to hurricane ivan damage and ongoing repairs but also with my office manager out with health problems.
i'm wondering if i should take out a bigger loan then just what is needed for office repairs and make it a business start up loan of sorts. i've borrowed a few thousand dollars from family here and there to help with my practice(all paid back ). i've cut corners, probably more than is smart, with staff and organization. things have evolved well, but i still have a sense of being marginal financially. as if i should be making more money. because doctors are supposed to, because i work quite hard and do good work.
did a deposition today about a patient. tiring work for me. this is about a legal issue for the patient, not malpractice. did get a request for records from a lawyer about my former patient who died, which set off all my alarms about being sued.
hubby hospitalized last week with bacteremia, son had his first two stitches, i've got cellulitis....but halloween was wonderful! one of the great perks of being a parent.
awaiting the results of mold spore counts at my office....if they look OK we only have some drywall work and paint left for the initial stage of post hurricane repairs. the back gable of my historice cottage office guilding had never leaked, but with 150+ mph winds water blew into the attic space, insulation and down in the walls of the two office rooms below.
i'm trying to think of this as an opportunity for fresh paint, but the truth is the disruption and long term hurricane clean up are draining. my colleagues/coworkers have been great. all of us love our space.
this week i've seen patients with schizoaffective disorder, dysthmia, personality disorders, PTSD, OCD, anxiety and depression, substance abuse...and more.
it really seems to me the most interesting job in the world. taking peoples stories and helping them weave their disease and self into something more stable, functional and healthy. i often feel honored to have people tell me things they've never shared with another human.
i don't remember if i really told the family myself or if i just imagined that. i was a second year nursing student in a city ER. a 17 year old boy came in who had shot himself, pretty successfully, through the head. can it be that we had him there on a cot as he had a few last agonal respirations and we waited for his family? I remember my blue uniform with its white frontspiece. I remember the typical, dismal little family room with the nubby blue armchairs, the vinyl wood table, the one old lamp. maybe a bible on the table. i don't remember a chaplain or the family responses. but the body, the head of dark hair, the curtains pulled around the stretcher, the shine of the linoleum floor.
these memories came into my mind this evening driving home. i'd like to write more about my current patients who talk of suicide, but will choose to keep what they have entrusted to me private.
its been a tough year and i think i am ready to see it go. am feeling that i, my office manager, my coworkers and my building may be over the hump of some pretty big struggles and obstacles....lymphoma, a gastric bypass, postmenopausal bleeding cancer scare, marital troubles, hurricane ivan, dysautonomia, hypertension, and a little anxiety and depression...i'd think it was something in the water, but we have spring water in a cooler!
had a therapy session today (for me) and it just hit the spot. helped me pay attention to the really antsy state i was in ( i'm so glad my psych training has helped me describe my own mental state with such precision and clinical expertise) and helped restore my vision and energy.
i've learned (12 years after completing my residency), how to slide through the holidays without getting emergency calls. see the patients with abuse histories and relational sensitivity just before and just after your week break, and make sure they know you are available if needed by phone....worked this time, anyway.
lost my daily meditation lately with travel, am getting back on that wagon now. i joined weight watchers yesterday onlline. it is time for 30 pounds to go. it is time....
Warning: disturbing content about a violent incident.
Drawn back to this blog by the need for someplace, here in the middle of the night, to connect with the world, with the world of women...
Today someone I know had their daughter abducted and killed by a sexual predator.
I'm feeling a little crazy...searched all I could online for the story , read Amber Alert and other info on the state website and on the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children website. Thought about donating money but it seems so wasted and unimportant.
Her daughter's body was found just a block from their home. The girl had gone for a jog...
Just too many things in common with this mom.
I can't insulate myself from the horror by thinking that this couldn't happen to my child...
I have nothing to offer my friend but my own horror at what has happened, certainly that can't be what she needs.
I want to imagine that you, that a future me, that someone out in cyberspace, someone somewhere, something somewhere, can offer some relief to the family of this beautiful, healthy 13 year old girl.
Beautiful, healthy, dead at 13 (likely with sexual trauma as well, the man arrested has prior convictions for sexual assualt of a 13 year old girl).
In the online newstory the girl's picture is so beautiful, she looks so like her mother. I think of posting her name here but it doesn't feel right.
As if I could protect her now by insulating her name from this heinous, sad story.
Thank you to all of you who love your children, who play and snuggle and horse around. Who blow lots of bubbles, let them get really messy, protect them every way you can. Thank you for being who you are, for being the only possible antidote to the horrible reality of this brutal killing.