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NOT superwoman! messy midlife mommytrack md 1son 4grown steps 3grandbabies

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15 years 6 months ago #68899 by rs4
on my day "off" today I did a pharmaceutical survey for the $100 honorarium (every little bit helps when I've been out sick), talked on the phone with two office colleagues about cases and business and personal stuff, dropped by the office to do Rx & chart a bit & look at longterm schedule issues with my office manager, read some cont ed..and am on call.

print this out if you are considering solo practice! the truth is that I love my work and the flexibility I have. The call and other responsibilities used to feel more burdensome to me, now are mostly a breeze even when inconvenient.

tomorrow I'll work a couple extra hours plus my usual 4 to help catch up on patients. I share office space with another mommytrack mental health professional and we juggle pretty well :grouphug: :)

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15 years 6 months ago #68900 by rs4
sometimes I can't even believe the things that come out of my mouth! (or, in this case my fingers). In the last post I actually wrote "the call and other responsibilities used to feel more burdensome to me, now are mostly a breeze even when inconvenient"..... :tired: :eek: And my stepdau was here visiting and I wanted to be able to visit more. I need to tell her how much I saw her father enjoying the change of pace of being with her. She and I enjoy teasing him and it is great fun. She is a pretty impressive young woman, just finishing college after a successful ballet career. Vivacious and enthusiastic but not at all impressed with herself. She also screamed eek just right when her 7 yr old bro woke her with a water gun squirt.

Oh, and the practice of psychiatry....! aware of moments in treatment when I am taken aback by what is communicated to me...stopped short by the interaction with a patient and in touch with an awkwardness, a wish to sound erudite and helpful, aware of the limitations of my deep listening. There are also clear strong moments when the words and feel and the whole unspoken atmosphere of the room are so poignant and beautiful. :yes:

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15 years 5 months ago #68901 by rs4
wed eve. an end of day cancellation let me go pick up my new contacts. I remember, so well, getting my first pair when I was in eighth grade.

I think I sound more interesting in this diary then I feel! my internal sense is of a huge and returning struggle with variable energy levels. I feel so critical of myself when I'm not 100%. I think it leads me to leave work when others might stay, and then I feel guilty about leaving.....geez this is way too confessional..Anyway, today I felt weird and very tired, though I had a good sleep last night. Stayed at work but it was almost intolerable. I'm sure my fear I won't respond properly to some patient issue or question is part of why I chose psych with its sometimes grey areas, and yet I feel I am a very good dr. I just cringe whenever I don't do what I know is the best....but no pressure!

my son got a D on some homework, and had gotten another one a few weeks ago. He does pretty well usually. Since it was the second one I talked with him about paying attention, redoing the work and my expectation he would do better next time (a technique reinforced by the parenting mag article I read in the opto waiting area!). Then we discover that the teacher had returned another students work and the second D wasn't his at all! the D belongs to a girl my son has liked since kindergarden, so he is glad to have an excuse to call her about it. :)

referencing the interview recollections in another diary:
I recall one residency prof asking me if I planned to have children...I was too stunned to think "isn't that illegal?" like I did later. that was in 1986. A local paper recently had an article on women physicians with a section about the first one here in the 60's.

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15 years 5 months ago #68902 by rs4
part of me would love to be superwoman I think. maybe just the powerful deflective belt and skip the white boots

this week I was guest lecturer for a university ethics course. in one way I felt really proud of myself and the invitation came from a phd I respect. I was aware that it was risky for me to get too excited and I found myself not telling people I thought would be impressed and trying to lower my expectations so that I wouldn't be too devastated when my shakey hands, toilet paper dragging shoe and bad body odor were detected by the students.....

it went well. I felt weird yesterday, but didn't have the energy crash I do sometimes after performances :)

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15 years 5 months ago #68903 by rs4
just a routine, georgeous spring day

Janis Joplin singin' and wailing

I'm amazed when I look at where I am with my practice.
Was thinking yesterday about my 10 year plan, based on when my son is 18 and more off to his own life. My husband is beginning to look at retirement issues (he's 62) and I am more aware of our age difference with this than previously. He's active and fit and so the age difference wasn't a presence in our daily lives, only in how we appeared to others. I'm not sure how we'll handle it when he wants to go off sailing for a year and I feel I am in my stride with work...which I suppose is right now! He worries about $ so plans to work at least five more years. He's adapted well to a "not now" response to recent univ interviews and is "tooting his own horn" at
his current job which needed doing for raises, etc. Politics and personality are factors in work life far bigger than I knew when I was younger.

One of my husbands main mentors was Jackie Noonan, (as in Noonans Syndrome) and he just went to her retirement roast. She is a perky, petite woman who didn't marry or have kids and did the career thing well.

My main office issues right now are questions about expansion, how, when and with what staff. My office manager who is worth her weight in gold is struggling with family probs and illness and isn't her usual 110%
worker self. It is difficult to rely so much on one person, and the practice is looking at adding more staff, backup plans, etc. I am also going to do some work with one of my mentors, a writing teacher, that I think will help me continue to grow, have the business blossom in a true way.

My practice is so individual, so precious, so much its own self, a bit like a child that way. It is useful to use others business knowledge and gain my own experience but I still NEVER KNOW EXACTLY what will happen next. Good to know I'll have a way to keep humble after my son grows up! :D

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15 years 5 months ago #68904 by rs4
:cloud9: I am so grateful right now for this online community. I needed not to be alone this morning and reading others weblogs and the thread on breastfeeding just gave me the feel I have after long talks with a girlfriend. warm, OK, connected, just RIGHT.

thank you all

now off to work a busy day at the office AND need to get the 60 bottles of water and a bigger ice chest for field day tomorrow at my sons school. last year it was held on a gorgeous day and all the active kids running about the green grass in their white school shirts and khaki shorts was amazingly beautiful

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