I decided to try this as I need to do a lot of venting and who knows maybe some of it will strike a chord with someone else.
I'm a little paranoid too so maybe that will come out as well.
Anyway, I'm a 26 year old medical doctor and I live and work in a rural area in Jamaica.
I'm not satisfied with medicine or medical training and sometimes I feel like just quitting and opening a supermarket... Seriously, that has been a dream of mine for a long time.
I have a few personal issues as well but I guess most of the things that keep me up at night are in my head.
I'm applying to a Master's programme for September 2006.
The initial excitement has not been sustained as i keep asking myself if this is what I really want and in addition I'd have to live and study apart from my love for a year.
There are distance programmes that are available from offshore universities that are more in keeping with my interests but they're kinda expensive right now.
For now I have a job that pays meagerly and am setting up a group family practice and life is good, mostly.
I'm not sure what my soul wants though.
I am beginning to realize that sometimes my mind gets in the way of my heart, shouting so loudly that I can barely hear what my heart is saying.
I know my heart wants to have a baby now rather than wait until I get every single degree I can...not sure why I feel the pressure RE: the degree thing... but my mind just keeps on bringing up every worse case scenario.
Anyway I still believe that one has to live not by sight alone, but by faith listening to your heart, I believe that is the only way to true satisfaction in spite of all that's being bandied around.
So we'll see where I get with this.
Well it's 6 am here and I can't sleep.
Probably because I slept yesterday afternoon, between that and worrying about what I'm gonna do for the four day holiday I've got coming up.
Oh and i forgot about the "other thing" that tends to rest on my mind late at night....the future
Anyway I'm here seriously considering whether I really want another degree in anything medicine related.
I know I sound like a stuck record...you should hear what's playing in my head
On another note this excercise thing really works and I think it's helped by the fact that I'm no longer pumped up on steroids
I'm a lot more in control of my mood.
Today we're supposed to have a half day at work so I guess I'll go pamper myself later on with a pedicure and have my eyebrows done, if I can get in, it's crazy out there.
Well I hope the holidays will be good for us all in our own ways.
Well Christmas has come and gone. It was a good one, better than I thopught it would be.
I got my application form yesterday and have almost filled it out completely.
I'm gonna need two references as well.
This is starting to feel real.
Now all I have to do is hound my supervisor so that he'll forward my application for study leave to the higher up people so that it can be reviewed by the powers that be.
And then ... :crossfingers:
I've restarted on the pill and probably won't be off again until Christmas next year
Ah well now I'll just have to work on getting fitter and healthier and saving some money so if I'm not fully paid then at least I'll have something to fall back onto.
This will be short and sweet.
I had my study leave interview which went well on my side, I did my best and was myself.
We'll see how that goes.
Right now I'm so contented and grateful for my life, my family, my home, my body , even my job.
I'm gonna go read my book now.
Well I was turned down for study leave as I have not completed the requisite two years of service with my employer to qualify.
I am surprised a little by my taking it so well.
I immediately just switched gears and am thinking of starting a business, maybe farming or retail or both.
I like the idea of spice farming.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm not a little hypomanic.
But then what the hell.
I am so happy and contented with my life .
My spouse of five years and I have a great relationship and most things are going well.
Biggest problem is student loans but I will figure that one out.
I'm also thinking of coming off contraceptives again.
No dis to the thirty something mothers out there but I don't want to be 30+ when I'm having my first child.
I love my life right now, it's calm, relatively predictable but not boring, getting involved in community activities, enough sleep, no pressing demands on my time.
I guess the truth is that I feel more alive than I have in a long time, plus 2 of my friends just gave birth within days of each other.
I'm starting to realize that the "head" issues are important, as they allow for smooth interaction, however as far as fullfillment and wholeness are concerned, the "heart" issues are very important.
I found a gymn and badminton court just 5 minutes from my house, I love badminton by the way, I didn't know this existed until a few weeks ago.
Anyway, I just ate like three brownies and don't feel guilty in the least and now I'm gonna go lay down and read my book.
I was so timid re: posting about my TTc efforts again.
A miscarriage can be a very sobering thing and somehow it seems so hard to get all excited again.
A part of me doesn't even want to know until I start showing. :boggled:
Well I might still go off to school at the end of summer, in the interim some extra cash opportunity ideas are coming my way :crossfingers:
Anyway I'm supposed to have my period next weekend I think....we'll see.