Well, here goes...
I never had a diary, even as a kid, so this should be interesting. Actually I am thinking of giving it all up and am hoping this "diary thing" will help me see what I cannot see from where I am sitting...another perspective sort of. Counting my blessings from the other side, I guess.
My name is Carol, I am an RN, a premed student, single, old (46) with two teenagers, three dogs and four cats. I've been an RN for 12 years now and started the premed because I have found my niche in life with medicine....I just love it. There is no other feeling in the world like making a difference in someones life.
So then why do I want to "give it all up"? Well, apparently I have what we all know and love as..."issues". These issues have recently manifested in me being unable to retain information, much less spit it out on an exam...any exam. This would normally be okay, except for the premed thing, and the simple fact that planning has put me in the April 06 MCAT group. Bad timing I guess.
Yes, I am seeing a therapist (he is great) and doing EMDR (successfully I might add), and actually making progress, but I fear with the pace of school information, I may have gotten myself too far past reprieve...I'm just not there yet. For those of you unfamiliar with EMDR, it stands for Eye Movement Dissociation (?) Reprocessing. Basically most of us think with one side of the brain or another. For me it is the very analytical side. EMDR causes the brain to see the "issues" (most commonly PTSD) from both sides of the brain...emotional and analytical. Kind of scrambles the brain for a few days, but then things actually "feel" better. Kinda hard to explain, but for me it works. Oh, and the stress levels have me basically an internal speed demon most of the time, including when I am supposed to be sleeping...note to self, talk to therapist about how to shut off the speed thoughts!
I actually started back into school a few years ago. I had my AS in nursing from junior college, so I went back, complete my AA, and began a bachelors degree with the explicit aim toward med school. 200 credit hours later (many years ago I had my sights on engineering)I still had a 3.86 average until last semester when it all broke loose. I knew I could handle being a mom, a full time student, work full time and still maintain sanity...but then the unexpected began to happen...and it all happened over about a six month period. 1) My best friend, buddy, uncle, mentor and just a great all around human being died from lung cancer last June. 2) One of my dogs, diagnosed with cancer and deemed in remission in November, died in December...right at Christmas. 3)My 17 year old daughter who had decided to live with dad, moved in with my mom, then in with me, then ran away...I am still not sure where she is. 4) I received my first "C" grade in school in my life...okay, make that two "C's" in one semester. 5)Income dropped by 75% due to school attendance requirement of 5 days per week as opposed to the expected/planned for 2 - 3. 6)I live in Florida, and for those of you who have noticed the weather, we have had a few hurricanes lately. While not hit directly by any of them, the cost in time (everyting shuts down for days), money (insurance rates have skyrocketed), and nerves is devastating. :banghead: Thats all the big stuff I can think of right now.
This is also enough for one day. So far so good, thanks for your patience.
Kids, gotta love 'em. My fifteen year old son, Chris, is planning a summer trip....with his buddies of the same age! Okay, I'll bite. Problem is, he plans to take no adults with him (uh huh), and wants me to rent a motor home for two months so they can go see ghost places across the country...hmmmm...I think not. Seems a real shame that the places you rent motor homes not only want more money than I have (lol), but they require a driver over the age of 21. Thank goodness for small favors ! Actually I find my son pretty resourceful and hope he cannot come up with an alternate plan. :crossfingers:
I am still not sure where my 17 year old daughter is. Late January she went to live with my ex-FIL. Not my first choice, but if I drag her back (kicking and screaming), she will run. I choose to know where she is, and be secure in the knowledge she has three square meals per day, a roof, and someone who professes to love her. Never mind that the real reason he wants her there is to make my life miserable. Plan A has dutifully backfired in my face, in that he refuses to even answer the phone to let me know she is still there, much less still alive. She doesn't answer my calls either, but I keep her phone paid for so hopefully she knows the door is always open.
On the bad side, since she moved out, the car insurance tripled, which I cannot afford, and since neither she nor her grandfather will stay in touch with me, I plan to go there this weekend and confiscate the car. Then on Monday I can write to the DMV and revoke her license. I feel so mean...but I have been forced into this position. Trust me, having to choose to cover your assets over the comfort of your flesh and blood is not a fun choice to make.
School is suffering for the above reasons and more. I also started my MCAT prep class...kinda neat. My diagnostic was not great, but given my age and the fact that I have not seen the inside of a Biology classroom in, Oh....I'd say 20 years, it actually was about what I expected. I'd hate to think I paid so much for the prep class for no reason
Tomorrow is a pre-med workshop at the school I want to apply to. I hope it will help me keep things in perspective...deep down it is kind of exciting to scope out the future...besides this is the only school I plan to apply to.
More next time...I need to go study orgo.
I am not sure if any of you remember Bio-rhythms, but mine must be on a deep downhill slide (lol).
I have always had a fairly easy time in school....you know, able to study the night before for a difficult subject, but manage to pull all A's. Well, someone pulled the plug!
Last fall I started having trouble studying and attributed it to multiple family "issues" like deaths, returning children, difficult subjects, lack of time to study from working and being a parent...you know, all the good, normal excuses. I backed off a little this semester and have found myself not only still struggling, it is getting worse. I guess worse is actually an understatement...it is like someone just flipped the switch in my head and it is all gone :boggled: So counselor here I come!!! Problem is, when I am busy working on turning on the light switch, the rest of the pack is continuing with the new info at a rapid pace....I am being left behind. So today I looked at maybe doing audits for Physics and Organic so I can continue with the MCAT prep and maybe still take MCAT (hopefully with brand new light bulbs lighting the way) in April. I guess school does not see things the same way. Audits after the first week of school are a no-no. No one cares about special circumstances. In order for me to save my butt I must withdraw...hopefully a medical withdrawal will be easier to explain later to the admission board. My one instructor now will allow me to still sit in the class, but most of the work is done on the computer and once withdrawn I lose that access...he has no intention of helping me maintain access Hopefully my lab partner will print off the work for me on a daily basis...I hate putting people out.
AS for kids, this weekend I will go with my mom and pick up my daughter's car. It is a one hour trip, and we need to be there early enough for my daughter to be there, yet not so early as to disrupt the household...god I hate being polite to people who relish making my life miserable!!! OTOH if I tell them I am coming, I will be making the trip for nothing. I am already painfully aware the police will need to be involved. Monday I send the letter to the DMV and pull her license. :banghead:
My fifteen year old son is on academic suspension from school. Since good old grandpa convinced my daughter she can drop out of school at 17, my son sees a window of opportunity to cut his torture time too. I leave for school and work at least and hour before he even needs to get out of bed for school and ....well you can see where this is leading...his absences have far exceeded the school maximum. Single parenting sucks when you are pulled in so many directions with so many varied responsibilities involving kids and work. School and time away from home responsibiliites only makes the going harder...guilt is a very big hammer.
Tomorrow is a new day. I have an orgo test Monday so I need to get hopping. Counselor appt is Friday and he uses EMDR...a real brain scrambler for a few days. Hmmmm EMDR on Friday, I wonder what kind of effect it will have on Monday's orgo test :yikes:
Enough of the "book" for one day. I read the blogs before I add to my diary and it makes it easier to count my blessings. My problems will go away with time...problems for some of the others are a lifetime of worry. My heart goes out to all that struggle.
Got about three hours sleep last pm. :tired: I sent the sheriff to do a welfare check on my daughter to make sure she was still with ex FIL cuz they won't answer calls or communicate in any way. This am about 0430 mom and I left for the trip south. Upon arrival I called the sheriff to help obtain daughters car...cop knocked on the door and did all the talking (thank god) and we scooted out ASAP. My ex FIL is a very vindictive man...I can hardly wait. Bad mom that I am I already sent the letter to the DMV revoking my kids license...I feel like I was cornered in to evilness.
Orgo test on Monday, and I am so unready for it. I look at information I have studied for the last three weeks and it all seems brand new....hate that. I think normal people call it a psychotic break or dissociative something (lol). I call it "welcome to my world" :goodvibes:
Texas Rose I need some of that fire. I met with the tutor today and true to form forgot most of what I have studied these past weeks. Somebody keeps playing with the switch in my brain...you are now entering the Twilight zone...do not adjust the set....now I know what they meant :boggled:
On the good side, I have not heard a peep from the ex-FIL, but then again, I have not heard from the kid either.
Well, need to go write and rewrite and rewrite a few reactions and mechanisms for the test tomorrow...wish me luck that all will stay and I can stay calm in the test. :crossfingers: