My main motivation for starting this diary is that I need someone to talk to and even if I only talk to myself with this thing at least I am getting my thoughts and feelings out. I don’t have a lot of exciting stories or inspiration. I am a 2nd year medical married medical student and I spend all of my days studying because I have no other obligations and I can study with my husband—it counts for quality time when you don’t have much.
I titled this diary the way I did because I am a wannabe. I have been a wannabe for many things that I have become. But my number one wannabe has been with me since I was 4 years old…I wannabe a physician, specifically a pediatrician. Of course, there were a lot of wannabes and wannahaves that came with that: good kid, good student, good MCAT scores etc. I spent all of my childhood and the beginning of my adulthood working toward that goal, and it had come pretty easy to me until I found another goal. I met my husband in college and I definitely was not looking for him but when I saw him—bam, I wanted to be the love of his life and his wife. Luckily, he shared a few of my wannas and became my husband and my fellow medical student. We have been working hard and continuing to do everything that was expected of us to attain the degree and then I was bitten with another huge wannabe. During our first year of medical school (last year) I decided that I wanted to be, nay had to be a mother and not later but now. It was the first time that I had wanted to be something that might make my main wannabe a little more difficult. But what luck, my husband shared the dream—or at least thought it was a fine idea. So we planned to begin trying before Christmas 2005. I expected it to go just like that. After all, everything else I had planned out had happened and in my time frame.
So since it hasn’t happened just as I planned the entire baby thing has become an obsession to me and I am dramatic about it to no end. We found out that I am not ovulating on my own so I am starting Clomid within a few days. I could not believe that my body wasn’t working. I mean fertility is in my genes, I was a “surprise”, my father was a “surprise”, and my grandmothers had 12 pregnancies between them! So, I get upset about it, cry and complain and generally act pitiful. I do believe that I just need a little help and I pray that it is that simple but the fact that I cannot control it is bugging the crap out of me. My husband tells me to worry about STEP 1 and the “baby thing” (yes, his words, annoying, right?) will happen but all STEP takes is studying---I have been talking to my ovaries for 3 months and they just won’t listen—there is nothing that I alone can do about it.
And, may I just say that everyone in the world is pregnant. Not just my world (though there are glowing women all around me) but THE world. I mean Angelina Jolie is a husband stealing-brother kissing-blood around her neck-woman and she is happily pregnant on the cover of People magazine (for the past 2 weeks)!
So that is my “big” issue at this time—in the grand scheme of things it is really a little hiccup—writing all of this has actually helped. In fact, I am going to resolve to be more relaxed and much nicer to my husband who currently thinks I have dove off the deep end and has absolutely no idea what could be in store for him during those 5 days of Clomid.
A secret wannabe: I kind of wannabe a “traditional” good wife. Not just supportive, kind, compromising, etc. but I really want to be the kind of wife that cooks and cleans and takes care of her man. Not that I want to let my husband sit around with a martini and paper while I make dinner and take care of the kids. I like his help, I appreciate his help.
I like to mask as this strong woman who wants to have it all and can totally handle it and doesn’t need to fill some mold of what others believe a wife should be. But I want to do it so, I have gotten into buying cookbooks. I use them very infrequently but I like the idea of having them there. In all honesty I am not a great cook. I try hard but it never looks like the pictures or tastes like my mom’s. To me, cooking directions are more difficult to follow than an undergrad organic chem. lab manual. Also, when I do cook I like my husband to really comment on how great it is. It isn’t that I need his approval—okay I do—but early in our relationship he used to go on and on about what a great cook I was, even if the meal was burnt. So now when I cook I ask him a dozen times if he likes it and make comments like “wow this is really good” and I wait for an affirmative.
I wasn’t exactly feeling wife-y tonight. I made beans and cheese for dinner and I left my husband on his own.
So maybe the desire isn’t so strong but I am working on it.
Although my husband and I are not going to start trying until the fall....I feel your pain about everyone in the world being pregnant. Not only every Hollywood celebrity but 3 out of 4 of my sis-in-laws. Sigh, I know that I should just be happy for them but what I feel is sadness that we are unable to be there at this time due to school/moving soon/what have you.
KNow that you are not alone.
Take care, and I think your husband has a good point. Focus on school and let nature take its course. A watched pot never boils, as they say.
I decided that my husband and Plum have an excellent point and I am going to focus on other things and let nature (and the Clomid) take its course. After all, for a person who loves control I think it is going to do me good to focus on something more easily controlled and let my God take over for me on the baby front.
And, step is fast approaching…so, this afternoon I made myself a calendar of the next 5 months and planned out what I will be studying and when. I have a perfectly personalized step-studying schedule for myself and I am actually excited about really diving into the reviewing. I have not really been actively studying for step because I wanted to focus on learning the material as it came along in our curriculum.
I also bought some path review cards earlier this week and though the card stack is huge I am looking forward to working with my husband on getting through the pile on a regular basis. I have set a high goal for my step score and I really want to concentrate on making that happen.
As my mind wanders and on another note, I would really like to learn how to knit. It would be really cool to make my future children booties or scarves or hats….
I haven’t been going to class all that often recently. I have been taking naps and watching TV instead. I am keeping up with the material but I have been completely unmotivated which is odd for me because I am usually pretty driven when it comes to school. I think that the fertility issues (or more so, the ovulation issues) have gotten me down a bit more than I thought. Even though I am trying not to focus on them I feel something bothering me deep down a lot of the time. I said that I was pitiful. However, I could be the progesterone. I read that it makes you drowsy. But, I am currently studying hormones and are starting a little reproduction so now I have to look at all of the other problems that I may have and I keep thinking what if the Clomid doesn’t work what if I am hypothyroid, or I have a prolactinoma, or I have a non-functional pituitary adenoma etc. I think they call that medical student syndrome. And I love my ob/gyn and her nurse because they always call me back within the hour and they are very nice about dismissing my self-diagnoses with compassion.
Meanwhile, my husband is concerned about the bird flu. He saw something on Oprah last week and is convinced that the government will not take care of us and our families will die and we won’t have heat or water. And he tells me not to worry abut things I can’t change…weirdo. We are quite a couple.
Anyway, one thing that I haven’t said yet is that I have two dogs. They are the loves of my life and I treat them like they are my children (yep I am one of those people). And they are really naughty at times, just like kids, and they embarrass me frequently. When I take them to the vet they act up and I am all “they never behave like this at home.” I told my mother about it and she said that she used to fib to the teachers when she went to parent teacher conferences and they said that my siblings (not me mind you) were acting up she would say, “they never do that at home.” Maybe all parents are fibbers at one time or another. I can wait! :0)
Sunday night has become my favorite time of the week. I have a routine that has not changes for months! Nothing, not even an exam, occurring at any other time in the week has managed to come between me and my Sunday night. I take a bath at 6 pm and primp. This is a wonderful time for me because most days I wake up late and have to go to school with my hair still damp from a 2-minute shower. Then I fold the laundry and watch Sunday night television. First I watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition and I usually end up crying uncontrollably by the end. Then I watch Desperate Housewives—and despite the bad reviews of this season I find it very funny. It reminds me of how gossipy my small hometown was—I hated that. And I end the night with Grey’s Anatomy. I watch it with my husband and we like to try and diagnose the patients before it is revealed on the show. I know that most practicing physicians like to scoff at how unrealistic all of the hospital shows are but as a lowly MSII I still really like them. As a kid I was inspired by Doggie Howser, MD and I haven’t turned my nose up at a hospital or medical-based drama since. :0)
And I go to bed—by 11 pm!!
Anyway, I hope that everyone has a relaxing Sunday and a productive and positive week. I have an exam on Wednesday that I feel pretty prepared for. Though if you ask my on Tuesday evening I will be in my usual “I am totally unprepared, why did I ever think this was easy, why didn’t I study more, I need one more day” panic mode.