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Diary of a Wannabe

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13 years 7 months ago #69695 by mrssd
I woke up this morning and was bolted out of my blissful pregnant happiness by spotting of dark blood. I ran to the computer to look up first trimester spotting as I dialed the on-call doctor at my OB's office. I hate the internet sometimes because you can't get a straight answer. But my OB's office called back quickly and I have an ultrasound this morning.
I have to miss required classes but I don't give a crap. School is so far from my first priority--my family.
My husband is trying really hard to reassure me and I am not moving from this bed until it is time to get ready to go to the u/s. I am in a fog, I haven't prayed this hard for anything ever. I hope everything is okay...if you have a spare prayer please send one up for us.

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13 years 7 months ago #69696 by mrssd
I had the ultrasound and they said everything looked fine. I saw the baby and the heartbeat was fast and furious. They didn't see any tears or disruptions so it was probably cervical bleeding and I just need to watch it over the next few days.
I was so relieved when I saw that heartbeat I just let out the biggest sigh. The wait at the office was agonizing because on my way in I saw a sheet that said "ultrasound for viability." For some reason I hadn't thought about it that way and it really scared me. I was thinking something could be wrong but the baby not viable...what a scary term. Anyway, I am going to take it easy and keep praying that everything stays okay and that the baby remains healthy. Thanks for the positive thoughts. :)

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13 years 6 months ago #69697 by mrssd
Wow! It has been forever since I wrote in my diary. I have had a hard month. We have 11 exams this month including boards. I am exhausted but so happy to be one STEP away from 3rd year (corny I know but I couldn’t help it!). :) The exams all went pretty well for me, which was surprising because I never stayed up to see 11pm on any night while I was studying. I was really focused on not letting myself be stressed out and listening to my body when it told me that I needed to rest or eat or whatever. I contemplated using my pregnancy as a necessity for a pedicure but I refrained. ;)
I am 13 weeks pregnant which puts me in my second trimester. Boy, it seems like it took forever for that first trimester to finish. And, much to my mother’s chagrin, I only vomited once—I spent the rest of my time being nauseous with nothing coming from it. Not that I am complaining about any of it. I love being pregnant. My only concern now is that I don’t feel “2nd trimester pregnant”, my breast tenderness has pretty much gone away and I am not really showing yet. I hope it is normal to feel that way.
But, my husband thinks I am showing and it is really the first time I have seen him super excited about the pregnancy. I don’t think it is the baby showing yet, I am pretty sure I have just gotten chubby but if it tickles him so much, why bother to correct him.
I have been thinking so much about all of the changes I have to make to my life when the baby comes and even before. The life of a “traditional” medical student is incredibly selfish. You focus on yourself, your own grades, your meals come when you stop studying and when you want them to, you clean your house when you get a chance, and you buy whatever you want with the money you have available to you (which isn’t much for most people). I am not the least bit upset about any of it changing and I have always known that I would make these changes but it will be an adjustment. I look forward to doing everything for our little one but my husband and I will need to compromise and coordinate more than we ever have had to in the past. Only one of us can leave the house to study at a time and we have to work out a system where the house is clean most of the time. Not that we are dirty but we sometimes skip a week of cleaning everything with solvents and scrubbing, I don’t want my child to live in a dirty house so I won’t let that happen if I can help it. And then there is the matter of living on a budget that is tighter than the one we live on now. I know most people say, “you should have thought of that” but I am not concerned enough, I have been saving money this whole year in anticipation that I think we will be okay. The loans are going to be there no matter what and though it is not advised to think this way, I think that an extra one or two thousand dollars isn’t going to change the face of our careers, lives, or loan repayments but it may make a big difference in what we are able to give our child.
Okay, I think I have chronicled enough of my thoughts and concerns for one night. I am going to join my husband and pups in the living room for a movie.

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13 years 6 months ago #69698 by mrssd
I am a terrible journal keeper…it is forever between posts lately!
Next week I will be 4 months pregnant. I am beginning to get over the worry and get really excited. Except when all of the questions I have flood into my mind. I really have no clue how to take care of a baby. I hope it is an intuitive thing that comes to me…
And I am really excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl! I just want to stop saying “the baby” all the time. We have some cute girl names picked out but we have gotten nowhere with the boy names… I will be happy if it is a girl only because I won’t have to come up with boy names.
As for step, the studying is going very slowly. I have been unmotivated to study lately, I want to decorate a nursery and clean and organize my house and all of that nesting stuff. But it all has to wait for a few more weeks when I have a break between the exam and the beginning of clerkships. And by the way, I have no clue what my clerkship schedule is because I have been too busy (pretending to study) to stop into school and ask.
I have also been looking into childcare. A friend of mine was on a really long waiting list for her daycare and I don’t want to be forced to take a second choice. But a lot of places close at 5pm and that won’t work for us so I already have limited options. And I don’t really like the idea of daycare in the first place-it seems really impersonal and cold. I wish I could find a nice woman who babysits for a few kids in her home. My siblings and I all went to a babysitter and we still keep in contact with her because she was wonderful to us, she would even go to some of our extracurricular activities. But daycare will be the way we go because I can’t find another option—and we plan to only keep him or her in daycare until we are finished with medical school (2 years) and we can afford (well at least have the money to pay) a nanny.
Okay, now I have to clean up dinner before Grey’s starts…

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