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Diary of a Wannabe

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14 years 3 weeks ago #69683 by mrssd
One more exam down, and it went quite well. And now begins the countdown to step 1. I have 2 blocks left and then cumulative final exams at the end of April. I am starting Clomid tomorrow. I went to pick up my prescription and either the nurse forgot to call it in or the pharmacy lost it. I cried because it wasn’t there. I was planning to take it in the mornings but I guess not. Don’t these people realize how a little thing like not have a Rx can crush a person? I mean, I spend a lot of time thinking about it and they can’t even spend a minute to call the pharmacy or make sure they take a message. Very insensitive.
I have nothing more to add, I am going to go watch a movie.

PS I normally love my ob/gyn and her nurse. Right now, I am choosing to blame Walgreens and the man who was eating chips and drinking soda at the counter where he is supposed to be preparing medications.

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14 years 3 weeks ago #69684 by mrssd
I love Fridays. Fridays mean that I do not have to sit in class for 2 days!

I started the Clomid yesterday. I was prepared for pretty crappy side effects but I haven’t had any yet which is making me believe that it isn’t working. Last night I laid in bed trying to sense my ovaries to feel if they were being stimulated to form follicles. I am such a freak.
Also, this week a classmate announced that he and his wife are expecting a baby boy. I got so jealous and that made me feel ridiculous and embarrassed so then I started feeling sorry for myself and then I began to snap at my husband and my friends. I feel myself slipping off the edge of normal in to the weirdo realm and I cannot stop myself—well frankly, I am kind of okay with it.

Meanwhile, I made a New Year’s resolution to go for daily walks, it is now February 3rd and I have not gone on a walk a single day! That has to change.

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14 years 2 weeks ago #69685 by mrssd
I hate OPKs! I have been temping and I decided to also use an OPK to determine if I ovulate on this cycle of clomid. So, I read that you aren’t supposed to use them until 3 days after the last clomid because it can cause a false positive. But, I thought that I would be tricky and use it two days after the clomid because if I get a positive then it means that my FSH and LH levels actually went up. But yesterday—no positive—and I was so so so upset by it. It lent more validation to my belief that the clomid didn’t work. Then today it was a bright and blaring negative test. And I hate that it will be one more month that we are waiting to see what will happen. Why couldn’t I have started on a 150mg dose? I like to over think, over study, over plan and over prepare so I am not caught off guard but I am at the mercy of the standard of care. It makes me feel really hopeless and out of control. I am having a progesterone level drawn a week from Monday and my husband keeps assuring me that I won’t know until then. Meanwhile, he is trying to throw out the OPK sticks because he thinks they are an axis of evil in our home.

And why can’t people ever say the right things. When I share our situation with my friends they say things like “oh don’t worry it will happen, and if it doesn’t there are other options” and “well other people have had problems a lot longer than you and they don’t seem as sad.” First of all, I don’t want to think about the other options, I want to get pregnant and have a great pregnancy and a healthy baby. And I am not other people, I am me and I am sad, scared, and worried after 4 months of medicine, blood tests, and temping. Yes I realize that a lot of people go through things a lot worse but I also have a right to feel disappointed and not want to run out to go to a bar for drinks or go dancing.
So, I am super crabby tonight and will spend the evening pouting on the couch then tomorrow I will wake up and be hopeful and take my temp (which has been all over the place for the past 4 months without peaks or spikes or even plateaus).

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14 years 1 week ago #69686 by mrssd
I have had a rough couple of days. On Saturday I had yet another negative OPKs (dang faint lines) and I went downstairs to tell my husband and he didn’t hear me calling him so I walked up and hit his arm and it scared him and he said “geez, WHAT?” and that was all it took. I ran upstairs bawling my eyes out uncontrollably for 45 minutes. I was actually hyperventilating. And my hubby was so confused and tried to figure out what happened and I was sobbing “sorry I scared you, I am sorry” and after talking with him I realized that I was really absolutely devastated at the thought of having to go to have another $150 progesterone level drawn and waiting to see it negative and then that weekend having to go to a baby shower for a woman who only complains about being pregnant and how annoying everything about the pregnancy is. And I shouldn’t fault her for it, I am sure that the last few months of pregnancy are hard, I am more sad that I feel like I am never going to be able to emphasize and I am jealous. Jealousy is a really stupid thing and I know that I should look at the positives in my life and think that everything has good things and bad that happen in their lives. I am working on it but I am not quite there.
And I have had weird crampy pain, which makes me believe that I am developing hypersecretory ovarian syndrome without actually ovulating—that would be cruel. Or on the positive side it could be mettelschmertz, a new term I have learned that means ‘pain associated with ovulation.’
And I have a very bad chest cold that is not subsiding with all of the western medicine at my disposal so I am drinking lots of tea—love those theophyllines.
Meanwhile, I have used my limited second year medical student knowledge to rule out a lot of the possible causes for my anovulatory state. I have decided that if the Clomid doesn’t work then there is something other than a needed jumpstart to my system that is going on. So I have ruled out PCOS, prolactinoma, hypothyroid, germ cell tumor, and CAH. Which means that I either need a higher dose of Clomid for the jumpstart or I have some disease that has yet to be discovered and you can watch for my case study in an upcoming journal.

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14 years 1 week ago #69687 by mrssd
Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope everyone had a fabulous day. My hubby and I have not gotten gifts for each other since entering medical school, we are trying to save money and there isn’t anything I particularly want so I don’t mind. Anyway, we had a nice causal dinner out and watched a movie and now we are going to study.
The day was made a great deal better when I saw my first positive OPK! I was stunned and made my husband look at it extra hard to verify. I am a little hesitant to be excited but it feels good to have a little more in that glass that I have been seeing as half empty. I have to wait another 6 days for a progesterone level to be sure.
Have a lovely evening…

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14 years 1 week ago #69688 by mrssd
Besides Valentine’s Day, this week has been pretty boring. Just school and stuggling with this chest cold. I have been anxious about the progesterone blood test coming up on Monday. I wish the results came back the same day! Anyway, I am just hoping that I ovulated—it would be a step forward in the journey. Of course I am also being greedy and I am really hoping that I ovulated and that we are pregnant. I have been looking up info on how soon I can take a pregnancy test if I did ovulate. Peeonastick.com is a very informative, and completely unique website. By my calculations next Wednesday would be the earliest but I would try to wait to avoid any possible false negatives.
A few of my friends have gotten us some parenting books—preemptively but I know that they are excited for us. However, I do not think I am going to read “What to expect when you are expecting" I know that a lot of women have read it but it seems depressing (I have read the first 3 chapters) and I don’t really want to focus on what can go wrong, I would prefer to read books about parenting styles to form a game plan. I did read a quote in one of the books that said “I was a better parent before I had kids.” I guess it is just like that other saying “The road to heck is paved with good intentions.” :0)

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