Thank you to my private messager who brought me back! So much has happened, I don't even know where to begin. I'm not one for cliff hangers so I'll give the skinny as quick as possible.
Husband moved here and is cleaned up - but we're separated. He is living where I take horse lessons and doing well. He's going into the military I think he needs that type of discipline for a while and hopefully he'll learn some responsibility.
things have smoothed out, the transition to residency was no where near as painful as I thought it would be since Im seriously in the best program there is :goodvibes: We had about 3 weeks of orientation and I'm on outpatient medicine right now. My hours are 8-12:30 M and 8-3 Tue,Wed, and Thurs and 8-12:30 Fri :yes: :laughing: : Can you believe thats an interns schedule?
Our hours fluctuate a bit, but never past 4 or 5p unless I'm doing paperwork - wich means PLENTY OF TIME FOR PLUMP!
who btw, just turned ONE YEAR OLD!!!! her party was wonderful, I had a bunch of neighborhood kids over and her grandparents came up from Fl. it was a wonderful time for sure.
I'm still a freak about money since I'm putting out more than I'm making but I have a nice savings (I've saved my relocation loans) so when I start moonlighting, I will hopefully be able to pay some of them off. Im freaked out that I owe like 300K after all this schooling Oh well, in the end I can definitely say being a doc is WORTH IT! i love it!
Well, I think thats the fast scoop. I hope all of you are well and Chris I stil lkeep you in my prayers.
Wow, I just read through my entire diary from years ago - my oh my how things have changed. I'm now an attending - in medicine! I switched out of psychiatry after year two and went through hell moving to South Carolina. Eventually it all got smoothed out and I am very happy in my medicine specialty but no wonder I had no time to blog LOL.
My plump is 9 years old now - and I'm 42. I've done a medicine residency as a single mom, have had 3 jobs and became the chief medical officer of a small hospital. I'm now getting ready to relocate back to the south (why I keep doing this I dont know LOL) but this time as an attending, making good money and plans to have a lot of land for my horses and a small hobby farm for plump.
I'm still single, I've never met someone new that intersted me much after having plump. I've probably spent most of my time just focusing on being her mom and becoming a good doc. Its strange how we mature into such different people over just a few years.
Anyway, I still struggle with exams and I'm hoping I passed my ABIM exam. I failed it last year - the first test I've ever failed in my life and it was DEVASTATING - how humbling an experience. All I know is that I gave this year my all so if I don't pass again - I have no more to bring to the table so we'll see.
Otherwise, life has been life. I still praise God for all I have and for where He's brought me.
In the interim major life changes have occurred since my last posting:
My grandmother passed away
I became estranged from my family after her death (I knew that would happen)
My daughter is growing up
My life is going by faster and faster as the years go on
I've made new friends
I've lost old friends
Well, its my last day of my seven off. This week was OK, I didn't go in to the hospital at all. As the CMO I would often for the past year and half go in repeatedly, handle this and that, attend meetings, etc on my weeks off. It got to be a bit draining. So, when my last CEO decided to leave, I followed on the bandwagon and gave my notice one month after his departure. Its not that I dont like the hospital or how easy the lifestyle is (I come and go as I please, round then leave, come back for admissions, census is low, etc) there are just some issues I have with the position. 1. I don't see any ICU patients, I only stabalize and send them out - I miss my sick patients, I miss being scared, I miss being really "plugged in"
2. I didn't pass my boards the first time around and I feel like an imposter, I mean really, I"m CMO and I didn't pass my boards? I know Im a better doc than many people out there and I'm probably one of the most conscientious docs there are - but still, its the gilded lily thing I guess.
3. I'm in BFE, my daughter hates it up here, there is NOTHING to do except outdoor hiking, etc -its more of a destination rather than a place to settle. SO, its boring - very very boring
Dont get me wrong, I'm very thankful for this opportunity, I mean Im pretty new out of residency and to have this position normally takes years of experience and I've learned SOOO MUCH about how hospital works, how to manage people, how to organize a team. And I think I've done a pretty good job at squaring things up here, but alas, its time for me to move on.
So, where am I going do you ask? I've chosen to relocate back south - to be closer yet again to my family in Florida. Now that my grandmother is gone, theres nothing up here in the NE for me anymore. My mother pointed that out to me so poignantly :/
I've signed on with a multispecialty group. I'm excited to be doing 12 hour shifts again even if it will be busy - because there is something to be said for commradre, and I just dont have that here - I'm so isolated and alone and removed that I hate not having any other doctor that I trust to bounce things off of.
I'm also excited that I"m moving to an area near a big city woo hoo - I"ve been here for 3 years almost 4 since ending residency and I can't wait to be near more amenities!!! Like plays, symphony, etc.
I had Plump in violin when she was younger, she didn't like it but LOVED piano - this time I"m going to try her out on cello! and piano ofcourse - can't wait for the new move= 3 months away!!!
Well I'm in an absolutely weird place as of late. I dont know if its my age, the transition, or what but I've decided to become a weird stalker and look up all my ex boyfriends (or what I can find of them online) and see what they're up to - I have to admit, facebook is scary - you can find anyone on that thing! So.... I found a few ex's and I have to admit - I'm almost sickened by happy and perfect their life seems. I'm so jealous, they have gorgeous wives, perfect looking children and they seem to be in the nicest biggest houses money can buy. I think to myself, I could've been that beautiful wife, I could've been happy like that, I could've <fill in whatever idea of perfection you can muster up and insert here>. Ugggh, its disheartening. For one, I don't even know why I'm looking that stuff up - I mean, I have a beautiful life right? I have a career, I have the MOST amazing child in the world <mom talk> and I'm successfully raising a wonderful human being. BUT - and here it is - there has always been this huge insecure side of me that is so hard to deal with. Its probably what drove me into medicine, drove me into pursuing an administrative position, etc. but it also drives me crazy. Does anyone else feel like this? Like you're not good enough to have that perfect life anyway? What is that - I hate it.
When I get like this I try and pull myself together and I usually pray - because I believe being envious is not of God, I work very hard to deal with this - but its hard. And today, is a strangely harder day than most. Sorry to bring my weirdness to the blog, just trying to keep it real and you never know, maybe some of you can relate?
Thank you so much for the PM's - they mean soooo much to me - and I love hearing that people can relate
SO I'm off to my new job state today - I have to go interview with the board of medicine because of a 2 month remediation during internship in a specialty I dont even practice - wonderful huh? DUMB - and expensive. I love how in medicine you're crucified for the rest of your life for anything you needed "help" with along the way - I mean don't get me wrong, I get it, you don't want some screw ball working on patients, and medicine IS a privilege to practice, but really? Sometimes they go overboard.
Anyway - I just realized my move is coming up in like 12 weeks. Cue the insanity! I've been doing my shopping for boxes, which are cheapest, what I will need to take, what I can leave behind, etc etc - everytime I do this I say "never again, I'm staying here forever" LOL - it NEVER works out that way. I do have a friend though and she told me once, you know, when its "time" for you to settle in a place permanently you will, and it will just happen - stop trying to make every destination the end because it may just be a stepping stone. I love her so much, I'm going to really miss having her in my life when I leave
Aside of that we're getting ready for the winter up here - which is a huge transition. Think Alaska preparation LOL - its intense, the cold, the snow, all of it -and moving in the midst of winter is going to be a challenge but hey - if it werent for the trials you know?
So, for all of you wondering about my above post I supposed I should clarify how I feel now. So, I did some more digging and actually found out that he was married BEFORE!!! So, this helped me tremendously - because you see, she is successful, and pretty and etc etc - so I said to myself - OH I GET IT, he needs the type of woman that doesn't work, doesn't compete with him (I remembered all these things about him after a while) and complements "his" life, not the other way around - so I put all that behind me because I realized, ok, he's not perfect either and he is exactly where he needs to be, and so am I
Well, I better get off to the airport now - I have a long two days of travel ahead of me that I'm not looking forward to, I'll keep you ladies posted on how the board interview goes!
Well Im back, that was a horrendous trip - 12 hours of traveling each way and did it in 24 hours - talk about HURTING! Anyway, I got my license! and apparently it was all a mix up - they thought I put something else on my application and misread it or something so at least I was out of there right away!
Now begins the neverending credentialing process which for those of you who have not experienced this - its like an FBI investigation at minimum. You have every school you've gone to, every verficiation of employment, all these letters of rec -its a nightmare. Its probably the most tedious of all the applications aside of state licensing - uggh
My daughter - my little plump chicken is growing into her own person - she is clearly no where near as affected by my absence as I am when I have to go away for a few days - I appreciate how independent shes become, but I still miss having her need me like when she was little - now I'm like the mom, when before I was her world - its so hard to cut apron strings isn't it? Whats even more crazy is that I started this blog right when she was born and now shes already making this transition - it is SCARY how fast time flies :/
Well, I'm off to homework and trying to catch up on rest - I have to work my second job the next few days and then my regular job the next week and then a vacation to Florida for a week and then SERIOUS planning begins for this tremendous move!!!