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pre-med and pregnant

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11 years 7 months ago #69861 by dory
Hi everyone!
I am starting this diary for purely therapeutic reasons. It is a bit strange to do this publicly, but what the heck. What do I really have to lose?

Sometimes, I feel completely lost in life and feel that for my (soon) 33 years of age, I am still the same as I was as a teenager. It is strange that when I look at my resume, it looks pretty good and yet, I feel like such a failure on all fronts (as a mom, as a student, as a partner to the father of my children, as an employee and as a friend) and my self-confidence couldn't possibly sink any further.

So, this blog or diary is for venting, for crying, for the need to feel that I am not alone in this.

I am on a combined program, 6 years long - and since I am not studying in the States (and not in English...), the 6 year program has already turned into an at-least 8-year program for me. I started school when I was 7 months pregnant. So, needless to say, my first semester was interrupted by the wonderful arrival of my son. The father was not involved with the pregnancy as of the 3rd month and we were not on speaking terms at the birth, but I at least called him to tell him he could come to the clinic to see his son (this was about doing my part to encourage a father-son relationship). It was a really rocky time. And I was very alone, having just moved to a new city to start school.
With time, things improved with him and now I am pregnant again. It was semi-planned. Since my son is already 2 now and we didn't want to wait so long to give him a sibling, we tried... and it worked pretty much instantly (I always kept track of my ovulation and am unbelievably regular - which is strange, because everything else about me is so haphazard...)
I am in my sixth month and look like I am in my 8th. Up until last month, people weren't sure if I was pregnant or just getting fat really fast. I have already surpassed the entire weight gain of my first pregnancy - and I still have the whole third trimester to go. I was even asked in the library if I was pregnant. I asked the kid what he would do if I said no. He sorta stammered and realized how embarrassing the question was. Now, my belly is much more round and now the question is "Oh, are you sure it is not twins?" Honestly, do these people have any clue??
Papa (father of my children) has bought a house and it is in full renovation mode. I just hope it will be done by September before the baby is due. Enough time to move before the birth would be nice. But the way it is looking right now - it seems that it will never be done. :(
I have finals coming up and am just dead-tired. Even the thought of studying tires me out. It seems as though I can read a sentence 100 times and still not get it transferred to long-term memory. In fact, it doesn't even reside in short-term memory for very long (hence dory as my nickname here). I seriously feel that I am just like dory sometimes. I even have books in English, thinking that if it is in my own language - it will stick. Nope. Still disappears in record time. I have notes from class that I would swear weren't mine if it wasn't for my own handwriting. I don't even remember what I wrote.
It makes me doubt that I will ever make it through. And of course, I feel that everyone around me (other students, professors, dean) also thinks that I will never make it through (test scores are posted publicly. Don't get me started on that one). So, I am constantly trying to give myself a pep talk and trying to not care what others think. But, unfortunately, this doesn't work most of the time. And being pregnant, with the overload of hormones - my sensitivity has reached astronomical levels. And I hate it. I hate feeling so weak and whiney. So, I'm just going to whine here, if you all don't mind. :weeping:

Sniff,
dory

I suffer from short-term memory loss. No really. I forget things almost instantly. It runs in my family. At least I think so. <br /><br />Can I help you?

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11 years 7 months ago #69862 by dory
I wish I could say I am feeling better, but helas, such is not the case. Don't think I am feeling any worse, though.
Finished up Physiology Lab last Thursday, which was a relief. One more hurdle - cleared!
This Friday, I have a Microanatomy test. If anyone has any tips about Microanatomy - they would be more than welcome!
The baby is doing fine. People continue to ask me if I am having twins. Makes me want to get a T-shirt saying Due in September. And No, it is Not Twins!
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

I suffer from short-term memory loss. No really. I forget things almost instantly. It runs in my family. At least I think so. <br /><br />Can I help you?

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