To cut to the chase, I'm 26, married and a second year med student at an osteopathic school. I love medical school but I also love sleep and being lazy and watching TV (which I don't get to do much of lately).
I guess what inspired me to start writing is that I'm on a mission to finally lose 25 pounds and keep it off. It seems silly that with everything going on in my life that I find this to be the pivotal event in my life now. But it is. I guess for those who have never struggled with their weight it's hard to understand, but it's such a defining characteristic of who you are, and I don't want it to be that way anymore. I don't want to be uncomfortable in public, I don't want to be paranoid about what people are thinking. I just want to look good and feel good. I'm getting there on the feeling good part.
This is week 7. I've been going to the gym religiously for an hour 5 days a week. Mostly I go so that I can watch Ellen and Oprah without feeling guilty that I'm not studying. I might have to stop watching Ellen on the tradmill though--I've been trying so hard not to laugh obnoxiously out loud that I almost wound up on the floor. I'm also being more conscious of what I eat...I don't usually eat "bad" food simply because I don't buy it at the grocery store (if I did I'd probably weigh 600lbs!)..I just eat too much. Food is a comfort. I'm dealing with that.
Med school. So excited to be a doctor. So terrified to go on 3rd year rotations. I feel like I've learned so much, but yet hardly know anything. I guess that's normal, but still terrifying. Plus the "B" word is lurking this year--BOARDS. THat's a bit scary too. Let's not talk about that for a while.
I've got a big exam coming up--lots of micro and GI. I don't really care for bugs. I'm thinking of specializing in something with very limited infectious disease component (especially about all this talk of watery vs. bloody diarrhea--sorry, probably too much detail there!) I'm pretty sure I'll do peds but I'd like to specialize--I'm thinking genetics or developmental peds. Maybe OB, you never know. I tend to like younger people--plus all the meds that geriatric patients are on just freaks me out.
I should probably go study for my upcoming OMM test--or pretend I'm studying. Sleeping sounds like a better choice though.
I've been feeling perpetually annoyed all week and I'm really sick of it. It's a terrible feeling. I don't know why I can't just "let things go"....I really struggle with that. One tiny little thing can bother me for days--it's so stupid and I know that, and I try to forget about it, but it's like it's hard wired n me to keep harping on the same stupid situation.
It probably started Monday when we were doing mock patient exams on standardized patients. I rocked the first standardized patient exam the previous week, so I was feeling confident going into this one. Well, one of the professors came in as usual to observe/critiqe, but he did a lot more critiqueing than coaching. First, he kept telling me to switch hands when I was taking a blood pressure (like, use my lfet hand for the inflater bulb nad the right for the stethescope....WTF???? who cares how I hold it, it's more comfortable for me to hold the bulb in my right hand. It's not like he just made a suggestion, he was demanding and got all exastperated when I finally told him it was uncomfortable for me to hold it the way he was telling me. That completely through me off the entire exam. It's not that he commented which annoyed me, it's that he was very rude and unhelpful the way he went about it. Plus he says Um-BILL-eye-cus for umbilicus which I think just sounds stupid, but that's a whole other story.
Now we're in the process of setting up rotations. You wouldn't think it would be such a big deal but it is. I'm at a DO school and we don't have a major affiliated teaching hospital which means we do our rotations all over, and some are mandatory up to 2 hours away...it's just a ridiculous system nad you have to work with 20 people in a group to decide who does rotations where and of course, there are some hospitals that no one wants to go to but soemone must. It's just stressful.
I don't usually get stressed, really. That may sound weird for a medical student, but I don't usually feel stressed. This week I definitely do. and I'm annoyed and it's pissing me off because I really wish I could just get over it. How do you do that? I keep telling myself to forget about it and not worry, but it's always easier said than done.
Rotations picks are over! I actually came out alive and got a pretty decent schedule, so I think I really lucked out. I could have just as easily gotten screwed too and forced to travel 2-3+ hours away--yuck! But it's over and I feel pretty relieved. Now I'm just nervous about actually going on rotations and not knowing anythign!!! eeek!
My husband is having surgery. I knew it was going to come to this, but for some reason I thought the surgeons were going to want to wait longer. Without going into too much detail, he has a congenital heart defect, and this surgery will require a median sternotomy, cardiopulmonary bypass, intubation, ICU...all the things that we talk about so freely as medical students, and yet, never bother to think about the psychological or emotional impact even a ventilator can have on a patient or their family. If this was my patient, I could easily tell him that the odds of a successful recovery are tremendous, and that he has one of the most talented doctors, and that once this is over we can all rest easy. But it's not my patient. It's my husband. And that seems to make a world of difference.
I think before the surgery date was set I was dealing with this much better. Now that we have a date it's all I think about. I think about what if he doesn't come out of surgery, or if he does, which he most likely will, will he still be intubated when I see him? I don't want to see him intubated. I don't want to see chest tubes and catheters.
And then I start dwelling on the details, like, will I be able to stay in his room? Will he have a private room or have to share? The thought of a double room stresses me out. Will he be admitted the night before or the morning of? When will he start to come around from the anesthesia? Part of me is a control freak and likes to micromanage, and not knowing exactly what is going to happen is making me very uneasy. I just want to know what is going to happen.
Plus my in-laws are coming. There are only two things that really stress me out. the first is OMM practicals, the second is my in-lwas. Don't get me wrong, they're really nice people, and really mean well, but for some reason they cause me a ridiculous amount of stress. They live really far away (7+ hour flight) but I completely understand that they want to be here, and my husband wants them here, so for his sake I'm just going to have to put on a happy face about it, becuase if it's what he wants, hen that's fine. I still don't want them here for the surgery itself. They're just going to cause more stress and get upset. I think they should come after hte surgery, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen so I think I'm just going to have to get used to the idea.
On top of that, my best friend is pregnant with her first baby, and I'm thrilled for her, really. And before the surgery date was set I wanted to talk about her ultrasound and baby clothes and room decorations. But now, I've got a bit more important things to worry about, and I DON'T want to listen to her complian about her morning sickness one more time!!!!! I really really don't. I wish she'd realize that morning sickness, while I'm sure it sucks, is normal and she will get over it. What we're dealing with right now is not normal. I just wish she'd ask more how my husband ws doing, how I ws doing. I don't care about her morning sickness. not now. After the surgery, when thigs have clamed down, I know I'll be much more eager to talk baby stuff with her. Not now.
I'm expecting that she and her huband (who are both close with my husband) won't come visit him in the hospital. It's 3 hours away, but will be on a weekend. And if it was her or her husband, we'd be there in a heartbeat. Maybe they will come, but I know I'll be so disappointed if they don't. I don't think that's an unrealistic expectation of a best friend, is it?
I just want this to be over. I want our friends to show some concern without being overly freaked out. I want my inlaws to not drive me crazy. I don't want to see my husband on a ventilator. I keep telling myself it will all work out fine, and when we look back on this, it will be a great "learning experience..." It will make me a better doctor, that I know for sure, I just don't think this is the ideal way to improve my bedside manner.
It's been a while since I've written. On the major news side, my husband had his cardiovascular defect patched (to put it lightly!) Everything seems so much more casual now that it's all said and done and he's still here breathing (and annoying me sometimes, which I think is a good sign!). He spent one day in ICU following his surgery, then only three more days on the step down unit. Everything went really smoothly and it's such a relief to have it over. Now I'll just be paranoid for when we have kids and drive our pediatrician nuts insisting an echo the day after they're born!
School is going well, just a little over 2 months until Step 1!!! eeeekk!!! I am not ready. I've just really starting getting into board review and I think everyone else has been on top of it for 6 months now! I'm learning that I really am a slacker sometimes. I used to be a type A personality. Now I think I'm a B-! Oh well, it's more relaxing on this side anyway.
I'm getting psyched about rotations...I can't wait. I went on some "mini" rotations the past few weeks just for a few days, but even so I got to do H&Ps on my own which was really cool. I'm not the best student in my class grades-wise, but I think (hopefully) I'll make up for it on rotations. I got to give the STD/BCP speech to a 15 y/o girl (who was going on about 12)....eekkkk--if i ever have a daughter I'm going to lock her in her room from the age of 10-18. Scary stuff out there.
I find myself kind of liking heme/onc which is kind of cool. Who knows. Hopefully I can do a rotation in it and see what it's all about. I think I'd prefer the Heme aspect as opposed to the Onc part, but that's not really an option.
On the not-cool front, my dog has been peeing all over my house! I thought it was behavioral but my mom suggested taking him to the vet--turns out he had a UTI! poor little guy I tried asking him if he had any urgency, burning, abdominal pain, but he was not amused! Just kidding. Turns out dogs have prostates too. I guess I should have known that. I think my vet was wondering why I was asking him all about my dog's UTI (We're doing lower urinary tract now!)
Well, better get back to my Kaplan videos. The Path guy is so boring and monotone, that it's actually really funny and amusing. If that makes sense...