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starting a journal

12 years 3 weeks ago #69923 by coffeeandtea
Tomorrow is my first test of test block 4- Virology. It's my last test in micro (except for the board), and I'm so excited! :tired: :boggled:

Well of course, since I"m in love with our schedule now, I'm dreading third year when I'll have to work all the time compared to now. But I am excited to have a change of pace, really! and it'll be crazy to actually be learning on my feet and seeing things. I'm excited to see it first hand and try to figure out what I'm going to do the rest of my life. Because I change my mind every two days. I have no clue what I'd be good at and what I'd enjoy. Today, I've been excited about the idea of neonatology, and I think I could potentially love it. I'm slightly introverted, so I'd like caring for babies, but I like being in intensive setting, and I think I'd love going to the deliveries (minus all the gross gyn and don't think I want surgery- ick). Plus you get to talk a lot to the parents and go through a seriously intense time with them. Probably a lot of bonding... :boggled:

love- coffeeandtea (with extra espresso shot in the morning)

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12 years 3 weeks ago #69924 by coffeeandtea
Well, one test down! The last test in micro I'll have to take with the exception of the board. Which is good, bc I don't enjoy micro tests. I like micro- they just always find the most random things to test on! If there is some really obscure zoonotic virus that causes some random disease in Sub-Saharan African farmers, and they mention it in the margin of one slide- make sure you know it! :rolleyes:

Anywho, I'm hungry. My stomach was growling throughout the test. I know some people get embarrased with stomach growling, but I actually kinda like it. But now that I'm done, I'm wanting to treat myself to something really bad- like a big plate of enchiladas covered in cheese sauce with a mango margarita. YUM :D

I'm going to take a little break (sans margarita) and then get back to studying. I haven't glanced at six weeks of pharmacology- and I do have an excuse with my make up tests this semester- but still... It's a lot. I am planning on going out for a little while tonight after putting in some quality studying, hopefully :crossfingers:

Well, that's all for now. I'm getting sleepy now that I've taken the test. Before, I was wired, sweaty palms, racing heart and all- even with just four hours of sleep. It's funny- I've been taking tests post high school for almost six years now- and I STILL get bad test anxiety :confused: But somehow I made it this far, so I guess fight or flight isn't too bad!


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12 years 3 weeks ago #69925 by coffeeandtea
I'm having a hard time today. Turns out I wasn't very productive yesterday- didn't feel good and was so exhausted. I woke up this morning feeling very irritable and just couldn't put my finger on exactly what was wrong. Then hubbie said it seemed like I was directing a lot of frustrations toward him that were unfounded, and I realized he was right.

I think it's a combination of being so sad about my brother, the stress of school that just never seems to relent, and being burned out in general. DH also made the observation that I don't seem passionate about becoming a doctor right now, and he said he felt the same way when all he did was study. But it'll change next year, and that is what being a doctor is really about.

I started crying this morning about what he said about the me not wanting it thing. I've just felt so incredibly emotional. Last night, laying in bed I was relaxed for the first time in a while, and it felt so good and peaceful. Then it was like I let my emotional guard down and then WHAM! Felt like a straight kick to the stomach, and I ached all over thinking about my brother. That's the thing about being in school. You have to put it aside to get stuff done, but then when you finish your work, it's like it's built up all of that tension and force, and it just knocks me down. :ouch:

I've just got to keep on going. I'm thankful that I have a hubbie that will put up with me being so crazy. He's actually doing an away rotation and is leaving tomorrow for four weeks. yeah, I'll see him some weekends, but it's going to be the first time I've been alone- really alone- since my brother died. I'm not looking forward to it. I would just avoid the house, but I have a puppy to train and take care of. So hopefully I can have friends over and keep myself busy.

It's just strange, how fragile I feel. I just wish I felt stronger.

I posted on another forum asking a question about the nurse practioner route as opposed to MD, and a very kind attending posted this:

"I think you're asking this because you're frustrated with med school and are getting over a tremendous personal tragedy. Please give yourself time and stick with medicine at least through the 3rd year rotations and then...you're almost done and can graduate! This will give you and your family time to heal to some degree and a chance to see what medicine is like as only a 3rd year student does. There are no benefits at this point to switching out to a nursing career or giving up medical school. Please let us know via this forum or by PMing me if we can help you further."

It's funny when a person whose never met me can see something that I can't even see myself, without someone just pointing it out to me.

Sorry this post is such a downer, but it has been really therapeutic to write, so I'm thankful for this outlet. And hopefully if anyone goes through something similar, they'll know they're not alone :(

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12 years 3 weeks ago #69926 by coffeeandtea
I'm somehow playing a trick of self deception on myself. See, I have tests all this week, but somehow I've convinced my subconscious that I don't really need to study... I can't say I've ever delayed studying to this extreme. I might have ran out of time or not gotten to all of the material, or taken some long breaks, or slept in late; but I don't think I've ever done ALL of those things! :eek: And the terrible (or wonderful) thing is I honestly can not muster up an ounze of caring...

I have a micro board tomorrow, Intro to clinical med on wed, patho on thur, and pharm on friday- I should be completely freaking out. I should be frantically memorizing study guides! I should be in a mild state of nervous panic- because there is SO MUCH MATERIAL! That is how I normally feel. Normally, I'm all antsy and frantic and suffering from insomnia, and worried about my grades :tired:

This test block, I'm just looking at it dead on and then saying, ah well. It's just one test block. I'm going to spend some time on facebook now, watch a one hour C-section on youtube (which was awesome!) and an open heart surgery. I'm going to go out to dinner, play with the dog, sleep in late... :rotfl: The thing is, I know this is going to come back and bite me on the as*. I'm just really going to have to utilize my spring break to go do something fun, so hopefully by the time I get back, I'll be ready to work. Because one test block can be a laughing matter, but the Step 1--- not so much. :no:

Part of it, I think, is that hubbie just left town. I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I don't like him gone. I can't believe this is going to go on for an entire month. It's just an adjustment, being alone all the time, when he's usually just always around. We do have a very, very small apartment :rolleyes:

well, time to do some work. really. wish me luck- I need it!


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12 years 3 weeks ago #69927 by coffeeandtea
I didn't do well on my micro test. I passed, but not by much. It was the lowest grade I've made all year. I do know that it's understandable, considering the circumstances surrounding this test block, but it's still hard to see that your grade is 11 points below the class average. So, I'm disappointed. The saddest part is, I studied more for that exam than any of the others. I was banking on it being my best test, and I barely passed it. I haven't even really looked at pharm- and it's gotten to the point it seems pretty much hopeless to start now. I'm going to try to do well in path. It's my best class, I have a really good grade in there, and I'd hate to lose it. But I guess it won't be the end of the world- after all, it is just a test. I just hate that this test block seems so unfair. I've had no time to study, I've had to make up a block of tests ALREADY since coming back, and on top of that I'm just emotional... WAHHH.

well, I just want the time to pass. Just get me through this test block, and I'll start over and work extra hard for block 5. I'll actually be on equal footing with everyone else, finally. I'm trying not to feel discouraged. I just have the step coming up this spring, and I was rocking out first semester. I really don't want to lose my momentum right before Step. So after this block I've got to get back in the mindset.

Well, I'm very, very tired. Less than five hours of sleep last night- had the micro board today. Like the test, a lot of things looked unfamiliar. It didn't help that I didn't really review (at all), but hopefully with the curve I'll be fine.

It's very windy outside, the house is full of leaves from blowing in through the open patio door. The house is pretty warm, and I don't want to turn on the air. My puppy is chewing them all up so he can hear them crackle. Oh, to be a puppy :cloud9:

well, only four more days, and then I can have my normal life back. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to give up for Lent, since tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. I never can pick something that I'm satisfied with. Okay, got it. I'm giving up... chocolate. Now, that's going to be a tough one to keep ;)

well, good night to all. :grouphug:


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12 years 2 weeks ago #69928 by coffeeandtea
I'm sleepy. What's so wrong with this picture? Well I slept 12 HOURS last night! :yikes:I am in the middle of a test week! I have no idea what happened... I went to bed at 12 thinking I'd wake up at 530 am to do spinning. I set THREE alarms. Well, this morning, I guess my sub-conscious said screw it, and turned them all off. I woke up from my very deep sleep around noon. So my grand plans of spinning and studying an entire work day before my test at 230 this afternoon were definitely derailed! :eek:And here I am, it's 722 tonight, and I'm yawning of all things. I'm on page two of my 45 page path study guide, and I already feeling sleepy. Ideally, I was supposed to read this thing twice today! Where is my motivation???

I went over to pay the rent today. My land lord lives in a really nice house that is adjacent to our little apartment. I had never been inside before, but I know that she's an artist and a very interesting woman. Our apt has curved walls and a big glass bubble window in the ceiling, and some other really interesting features that make it very unique. I've been wanting to get the tour of her house, and tonight I finally did. It is amazing! It's got all of these curved walls, beautiful old cedar wood everywhere, and old wood floors (thick boards, this amazing honey color), windows EVERYWHERE, stained glass in her doors, art all over the place... It is just a masterpiece. I was so amazed. I was thinking, I want the plans to this place, because I want to build a house like this someday. She even has these cool frosted windows in her bedroom that open up to the second floor of the cathedral open area to let all of the light in (from the windows that basically reach the 20 foot ceiling). Anyway- it was absolutely the coolest house I've ever seen. And then she asked me to stick around for a glass of wine and I couldn't because I had to study! :guilty: So sad.

I'm planning on hanging out with her once I'm done with tests though. She's a huge animal lover- she doesn't have a pet policy even though we're renting. I just really like her.

Ah well. What else? I got some really plump ripe navel oranges. I'm not hungry- but I'm really wanting to eat one. That and/or not study. I actually would like to eat an orange and watch an episode of Law and Order SVU. That would be the life. But oh well, instead I'm going to study some more neuropathology. I took an inventory quiz to see what specialty you're suited for, and my number one was neonatology. I think I'll probably end up doing a peds subspecialty. But first, I have to get through this year... :rolleyes:

Well, back to work... goodnight!

coffeeandtea (make it black)

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