So. today was my dean's letter meeting. had a last minute change of heart and another breast surgery relapse. that's what I'm calling them now. Lapses.
So what do I do? Disregard my step cs which is schedule for sept 10. Disregard the fact that I BEGGED to be added to the september ER schedule. Disregarded all of the soul searching and hang wringing I've been doing the past few months to figure out what's best for me.
And undue everything.
I dropped ER next month to do general surgery. almost immediately I felt dizzy and sick and bad about it. Then I realized that the step 2 cs is booked solid for MONTHS and I have it on the tenth. And Good Lord in Heaven if I didn't have the PERFECT schedule to take this test when I was still signed up for ER. The day of is off- sept 10- plus the THREE days before it- OFF.
I am a whack job.
Sorry for all of these "crazy" terms thrown out there. But I am realizing that there is something wrong with me. This indecision is becoming down right detrimental. So now I have to march back over to ER tomorrow and see if I can "undue" this.
This all culminated (the realizations, that is) when I finally showed up for my dean's meeting at 3 pm today. I had already completely jacked up my schedule. then, in spite of my best efforts, I could not even act committed to doing general surgery. This was not with the dean- it was with a staff member who is also in a dual physician marriage. I went from walking in and being like "surgery it is!" to telling her I really want, more than anything, for my marriage and family to succeed. more than my career. more than residency. by the end of it she was saying she'd pray for me, to really think about my husband, she actually said, "he's going to be a surgeon and there's pirhanas out there!"
by the end of the meeting, I had decided that I really belong in a primary care field. in fact, she pulled out all of the comments made about me over the M3 year, and every single specialty had *awesome* things to say about me except surgery.
especially peds, family, internal med, and ob. So like I said, primary care.
I have a great smile, I love people, people love me, I want a huge happy family and want to work part time and have hobbies. I want to start having kids before 30. maybe even get started in residency.
so why can't I get it through my thick skull that primary care is what I should do with my life?!?!
I'm beyond tired of doing this to myself with all of this second guessing. I'm tired of it. so tired. I'm ready to just commit to something, have it out of my hands. I just don't trust myself anymore.
hopefully they'll let me have my amazingly perfectly scheduled ER rotation back for next month...
After another fight with my husband, I have decided we are incapable of communicating with one another, and it will only get worse now that he is maximally stressed out and sleep deprived as a surgery intern.
I have concluded that whether I go to hometown to be with him, or do residency somewhere else, we are most likely doomed to fail, given our inability to communicate, our practically opposite natures/temperments/habits/future ambitions, and so ultimately, it doesn't even matter what I choose.
though when it comes to choosing anything for myself, I give up. I regret coming to medical school every day. I regret the life I have made for myself, I regret putting all of my hopes and dreams and time and energy and money into this singular pursuit, only to find that at the end of it, I either want to a) just crawl in a hole and hide or b) somehow undergo metamorphosis and become a confident, strong willed, fatigue resistant human being and just do surgery already.
unfortunately I feel trapped with neither of these options really being practical. I love sleep. I love sleep too much to go without it for years, even if the only meaning that I can derive from my existence right now is the hope to someday hold a scalpel.
what a shallow, hollow existence I feel I have right now, that a scalpel would be the only true device to infuse my life with meaning. truthfully, the marriage is a failure. I threaten to leave him, he remembers, until finally he threatens to do the same. I know that as long as we're together I'll be in his shadow.
I wish I could just escape my life. I am here, in my fourth year, and it is just unraveling right before my eyes. I have no time. I am officially out of time. If I don't make decisions, make decisions, make the g*d d*m decisions NOW for chrissake it will be too late.
and then what? (the psychologist likes to say, when speaking to a panic-anxiety stricken patient)
It all boils down to complete conceit. I envisioned being powerful. I believed medicine was a calling that would make my life larger than life, make me larger than life, somehow evaporate my problems.
I am out of solutions.
I am out of creative ideas.
I am out of motivation.
thankfully, I have been drinking wine, so maybe the morning will bring just a tinge of optimism.
I am tired, so tired, of being misunderstood by my husband. I am tired of our arguments. I somehow thought I would be gaining my biggest fan in this marital situation. But somehow, I just feel completely unimportant and alone.
well, I had the completely meltdown today, that has been brewing for a number of months.
started crying and couldn't stop, in basically every bathroom in the school. finally the secretary drug me into her office, locked the door behind her, gave me a diet coke, and passed the tissues.
and then I cried, and cried, and cried some more.
and I actually feel a little better, even though my face hurts. :boggled:
Let me just say at this very point at time, while I remember the feeling WELL- before the feeling wears off, exactly what today was like. For that hour that I was awake this morning, and forcing myself to get out of bed and head to the hospital to do surgery, again, completely by my own volition- for that HOUR- I felt absolutely disgustingly overwhelmingly sick, breathless, like the world was spinning too fast, like my head was going to explode, like my heart was going to stop or pound through my chest, like my stomach was spilling acid into my intestinal cavity, oh, you know, all of those horrible feelings and more. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. It was a panic attack literally. If it had been anything less I would have marched my way up to the lounge and done it. But the feeling was absolutely unbearable and unrelenting. It would be like ignoring a ruptured appendix. So just for future reference, if I need a reminder. I walked away knowing because I couldn't bear the thought of doing surgery. It ultimately felt like a small death, like the walls of my life would be closing in, shutting out so many things that I so desperately desire- to keep my marriage in tact, to have time and energy to love my husband and my family, and to go to church and keep God top priority in my life, to have a family and watch them grow. nurture them and love them and have time to have dinner on the table most nights.
which is why I'm doing ER. I can have dinner on the table EVERY NIGHT if I do ER, once I'm done with residency. Even when I'm working night shift, I can have it on the table. Not that this is a major point. Because what I really look forward to is pool days with kiddos. splashing around on ENTIRE days off, taking pictures of kids, with all of their friends over. If anything, it just makes me sad that I might be doing all of this fun stuff and husband might be too busy to participate.
So that brings me to this month. Because it is September 1, the day I have been dreading for MONTHS. I have been dreading this month so much that I have added/dropped courses probably ten times. At least. but today, after the incident this morning, after crying all morning in bed, I made some big decisions. I dropped family medicine for the month. I dropped surgery. I dropped it all. That is what I've decided to do with this incredibly stressful month that I'm dealing with. I still have to make it count- take my Step CS, get my ERAS done, my letters written, spend some shifts in the ER to get some "face time". I absolutely have to like it. Just think- two days a week, clock in, clock out, and get a great paycheck. Push comes to shove, worse case scenario, it will land me a job that I can easily support my future family on. Job security. For ER, there are jobs everywhere. Everywhere. It is ideal for a working mother. Plus, it is fast paced, heavy on procedures, etc.
which I'm saying all of this, bc in my heart I am more than ready to commit to this, and to get on with my life. I worry terribly about distance from husband, but ultimately, it's only a drop in the bucket, and we're getting to where we need to be. And sometimes things aren't going to be ideal. Sometimes the ideal circumstance that you were hoping for just doesn't exist. Which in my case, it's time to let that fantasy go. For me, at this point in my life, in my fourth year, this far in, when I have debt to pay off, and other hopes for my future outside of medicine, I just need to swallow the bitter pill and do what I have to do.
which is what husband tells me all the time. Just do what you have to do.
And that, folks, is what it means to really be a grown up.
Just a quick update for everyone- I know I haven't posted in forever. A lot has happened since my last post.
On October 1, I started an ob/gyn rotation.
on Oct 2, I withdrew from the rotation due to serious doubts
Oct 3, was diagnosed with severe depressive episode with anxiety. started an outpatient program to treat my depression. Also took a leave of absense from school to get everything together.
Oct 21, after a few weeks of counseling, really started to think more clearly, me and husband decided to get a divorce after he told me he was also unhappy and was not willing to work on the marriage
Late October- withdrew from the match for pediatrics, since everything about my circumstances changed. those who kept up with my blog knew, I felt tremendous pressure to match in a specific location bc ex was already matched there and was not willing to transfer, also, was dealing with him being a surgeon (general)
November and December- spent at home with my family, away from school, recooperating, continued my therapy for depression
late December- discharged from therapy as much improved, no longer depressed
Dec 28- left for a trip to NYC/DC/London, am currently in London staying with a friend, will be here until late Jan
Feb 1- start back to school (have already found a great house to live in, located in my fave neighborhood
Sept 1, 2010- will apply for the 2011 match in ER
March 2011- will hopefully match in ER in the place of my choice
May 2011- will graduate a year late, but am happy that I'll be in a much better place for going into residency
So, yeah.... a lot has happened. I'll keep everyone posted.