I am sitting in the library, with a large diet coke beside me, studying neuropath, with my feet propped up in my little corner. I've got a table I like, I'm settled in, and it's Saturday, so no school tomorrow! I love these moments, when I actually enjoy studying.
It's going to be strange as a M3, to be doing stuff more than studying. It's like right when yu get the hang of it, they change it up on you. My grades are literally 10 points higher this year compared to last. If I'd had a quicker adjustment, who knows how well I could have done? Not that it's over, and the book work is only one part of school, but it's interesting that just adjusting can make that much of a difference.
Tonight I'm studying neuropath, and then switching back over to Micro made ridiculously simple. I had a dream last night that my sister had the same book, but she was in high school. I was mad because I was like, that's too hard for high school! We're supposed to be learning more stuff than high school! What's so funny about that is I went to a public school and my science teacher REALLY and TRULY did not understand mitosis. She was saying it all wrong and confusing everyone, and I corrected her! Ah, the memories of being the shining student :goodvibes: I've listened to her talk about it for years, in fact, it was one thing that inspired me to really go for medical school. So, I've been thinking, if I love those stories so much, I should probably gravitate toward something that will allow me to have my own experiences like that. Maybe, when I'm an old woman (God willing) I'll have a brain full of memories of taking care of patients and their outcomes. That is a romantic notion, whether it is attainable and at what cost I'm not sure.
I looked at some pictures today that were so amazing. here's the link and a quote from the blog I was reading. But don't look if you're wearing mascara, because you'll cry it off, I promise.
"Therefore, it is a testament to the power and beauty of the photographs that earned Renee Byer, of The Sacramento Bee the 2007 Pulitzer Prize for Feature reporting that tears welled up in my eyes as I scrolled through the twenty photographs documenting Derek Maden, and his mother Cyndie French, during his 11-month battle against neuroblastoma. I’m certain that you will find these photographs as compelling and heartbreaking as I did. Their honesty and intimacy blew me away. They are by far the most accurate a portrayal of childhood cancer as I have seen in the lay press, and triggered flashbacks of the children that I’ve seen whither away as a result of their disease." peds hem/onc fellow
Today hasn't been so productive. We were going to go to the 830 service at church, but we got in late (after some much-needed socializing), and didn't set our alarms. So, we slept through early church and then decided to go to night church so we could enjoy our coffee and not be rushed. Well, we ended up sitting around for around two hours waiting for two of my college friends to come by, which put us at 1:00. We really enjoyed hanging out and talking, and it was great to finally have them and my hubbie together to get to know one another, but they didn't leave until about 230. Hubbie has to go get our puppy Taco (hehe) from his Mom's house (two hours) and I just sat down to start studying, and it's already 5 pm. Where does the time go!?
I'd made a deal with myself that if I worked out this entire week and stayed on my diet, I'd treat myself to a chocolate shake today. So two of my friends are swinging by to pick me up at 630 to get ice cream. Then gotta eat dinner at some point. I've spent over an hour taking a stupid micro quiz. And let's not go into how I don't really seem to KNOW micro, esp antibiotics, despite the many, many hours of staring at this material. :wave:
Tonight's not a good night. Last night was the first time we tried to sleep with both of the dogs in the bed, and they were up all night :tired: Hubbie somehow got a full night's sleep, while I woke up every hour and a half with dogs on me. I got up to take the pup out at 3 am, woke up at 5:30 for spinnning, and realized when I got to spinning that my throat was hurting, I felt really exhausted, and I was like, great! I'm sick! :banghead:
Men. men can be so da*n frustrating. and whatever rumor that they tell teenage girls about men having just insane, unimaginable sex drives is a LIE. So many girls enjoy it more than their man. It's a cruel, cruel joke. I'm thinking about investing in a gadget before I get any more annoyed with the situation. :laughing:
Still sick. Actually, more sick. I spent the morning in bed (and felt guilty about it, considering how much studying I have to get done), and I'm finally up.
Being sick sucks! I don't feel good! I don't want to study! (insert tantrum here)
Hopefully I'll look back someday and laugh at myself. And be happy that I somehow managed to stick it out.
I've been a little edgy in general. I think it's the stress of upcoming tests, and just being tired in general. Waking up for spinning was great, but I think it knocked down my immune system bc I was slacking on sleep, and working my body a lot harder than what I'm used to.
But I'm going to keep it up. I'm determined to get in better shape. And hopefully relax a little bit too.
I snapped out of a dream to the sound of my husband mumbling about the puppy, which we found whining beside the bed after falling off of it. I had had a dream that my brother had come back to Earth, and we all showed him our tattoos, which we got after he died to remember him. I was so thrilled to have him back. He got in the car with me, and I was driving, but then I thought, "maybe this is just a figment of my imagination", so I told him to drive. I was afraid to let him drive though, because I thought he might just disappear and then the car would wreck. Because I wasn't sure yet if he was actually real. Well, sure enough, he got in the driver's seat and just drove us along a country road, and told me about lots of things that I can't remember now.
So I woke up this morning with my brother's face and voice and features fresh on my mind. And then realised he's still gone. Even though I had the dream that he was back, he's still gone. :crossfingers: that I'll have a productive day studying.
I'm having a hard time today dealing with my brother's death. I'm studying a powerpoint on prions, and came across "mad cow disease" which made me think of him automatically. He used to always call me Mad Cow and moo at me. He loved to make fun of his big sister, especially because I took myself so seriously. He nicknamed me mad cow when I decided to become a vegetarian for six months in high school. It always stuck. Actually, one time I got so upset at him for calling me mad cow that I started crying and told him to stop calling me fat. Ironic, now I would do anything to hear him say those words.
Studying is just not working. I feel so burnt out that I could just break into tears. The Christmas break left me feeling drained, tired, and emotionally weak. My brother died Dec 2, so the entire month of Christmas was just mourning with my family, and having to deal with the holidays even with the huge, unexpected loss of my brother. I contemplated taking a LOA for the rest of this year, and starting it over, but decided against it. Mainly because I feel like as an adult (and married) my decisions don't just effect me, and I know I can pass this year, so I came back. Not that I wanted to come back. At all.
Still, even being back a full month, and making up my third test block, I still feel so fragile, and so incapable of doing this. This is the time to be building momentum, to be studying hard. The Step is in June, and everyone else is worried about it. And here I sit, in a daze thinking about my brother instead of focusing on my micro lectures. My heart is just not here right now. My heart honestly feels like it gets ripped out of me everyday, and I just keep trying.
But this upcoming test block is going to be a major blow- I'm trying to get prepared for it. I can't let it knock me down. I truly have never in my life been so unprepared. (and here I am, writing in my journal...)I haven't even glanced at pharm, which is my worst class. I have barely looked at pathology. I've studied micro some, but I haven't reviewed for the board, and I've probably done half of what I normally would have done. It just seems unfair right now, because before this happened I was doing pretty well in school. And I had to work really hard for my good grades- and now it's just cushion to keep me from failing. But I guess I should keep it in perspective, and be thankful for the cushion. Last year I didn't have that to catch my fall.
Ah well. talked to my mom tonight and I just feel so terrible for her sometimes. There's no closure on his death really, everything was inconclusive. Autopsy, tox screen. nothing. The pathologist ruled it probable sudden cardiac death. That rests with me. I think it was most likely Wolfe-Parkinson-White Syndrome. I've seen some research that says it can be completely asymptomatic and cause sudden cardiac death in young people. So... I have closure in my heart. I can't say that for my mom- she's still searching for something definitive.
Anyway, sorry for such a heavy post. Just needed to get this stuff off of my chest so I can hopefully refocus.