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Nicole's Diary :)

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13 years 6 months ago #70237 by Nicole W.
Gee, I sure hope I'm doing this right :) I guess we start a new topic, then respond to our posts to add to the diary? I guess if I'm not doing it right someone will let me know ;)

Ahhhh peace in the house. Hubby is sleeping now, and he gets up in just an hour to head to work so I figure I'll just enjoy the quietness and let him get a little more sleep. Lets see, where should I even begin? Its amazing how we can all be so different as far as where were going, and where we've come from...yet share so much in common. I guess my story is a little different in a few ways.

I think I was about 6 years old when I decided that I wanted to be a doctor. Of course that changed many many times over the course of the next 20 years, but I guess that was one dream that I just could never shake. I guess I was about 9 or 10 when I started to become infatuated with the st. judes marathons. My mom would come in and turn the TV off when she saw that my eyes were fixed to the TV screen. "WHY do you watch that stuff" she'd ask? I didn’t know either, but for some reason at such an early age I was just infatuated with it. I'd cry as my heart would bleed for the children who were just my age, some younger...some older. I'd gather my pennies and nickels and ask my mom if she'd donate them. She said she would...of course my change jar was always full a couple of days later, so she just stuck all of my money back in the jar. No one understood me, I'm not really sure that I understood me...heck, I don’t even know if I understand me NOW sometimes hehe!

So anyway, a few years pass....and I'm in high school. I got pregnant at 15, and my whole life changed. I went from having everything for me to having everything against me...or was it? I felt like my life was over, little did I know it was just beginning. Although I do not think it was in God's plans for me to have a child at a young age, I do feel as though he helped to turn her birth into such a wonderful beginning for me! I was headed for doom; in fact I know for certain it was right around the corner. (I'll talk about that a little later). My parents were wonderful! They supported both her and I, and the only thing that they wanted in return for their support/help was that I finish high school. It was so hard! Pregnancy was the worst I think! The stares, and the questions...oh boy, I just wanted to die! What’s that phrase though " you bend till you break, because that’s all you can take." I was so there! On top of everything else, I was hospitalized with severe dehydration (awful morning sickness) several times. The high school tried to kick me out, as they wanted me to enroll in a young mother’s school as to not "infect" the other children (this is what they told my mom). Later I learned that my mom actually had to fight that at a school board meeting where she won! She didn’t tell me at the time because she knew I'd just want to give in, as I'm not the type to want to draw any additional attention to myself...I was getting plenty of that anyway. We finished though. Yeah, the day I walked across that stage, my whole family was in tears. They said they were so proud...but I knew that there was no way I could have done it without them. They expected me to work and care for my daughter as much as I possibly could (thus, making sure I knew what single parenting was about), but they would have never let me fall. Never.

So, there I was...a graduated senior with two children. Oh, did I forget to mention I had another baby my senior year? I won’t go into too much detail there. By the time my senior year came around, I was already mature enough to really be a 25 year old mom. My first baby did that to me. I handled that pregnancy and birth so much better, and I also had a fiancé who was also my high school sweet heart (whom I'm still married to). Soooo...Ok, there I was two kids later and a high school graduate. Now what?

My husband worked full time (thank GOODNESS he made decent money), and I worked full time and went to a local college. I didn’t want to go to college though, I really just wanted to be a mom. I felt that being a mom was my calling at the time, and it was way more important than college. My family wasn’t supportive, but they accepted it. Eventually, I was able to stop working all together as we were able to live off of my husband's income. So, I've been a stay at home mom for about 3 years now :) See, all the women in my family are independent...not ONE of them was ever a housewife - SAHM, and it was just because they didnt want to be. They loved their children, but they wanted to be able to have their own freedom and know that they never had to rely on anyone else. I come from a LOOOOONG line of strong willed women let me tell you.

A couple of years later, my life falls apart again when my mee mee (who was my soul partner, best friend, second mother, guardian angel etc) got diagnosed with lung cancer. It was like a whirl wind of past and present began to circulate through me. She fought it (God bless her!) until she just couldn’t fight any more. I spent the next year or so sulking and grieving...praying for guidance. I was so lost at that point. Did I REALLY want to be a stay at home mom for the rest of my life? There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with that, as raising a child is the single most IMPORTANT thing a woman can do! What happens when the babies grow up though, I'd ask myself. What's left then? I do believe that were all here for something...you can beg to differ with me on that if you wanna, but I truly believe that we all hold a mission within us. Do we know what that mission is? Probably not, and we'll all probably spend the rest of our lives trying to figure it out. I prayed for guidance, and decided that I'd return to school. I didn’t really think I'd end up premed, I was just getting my feet wet to see how I'd handle it all.

So, now here I am....6 years out of high school, 4 years since I had taken any course work at all; A mom to 5 kids (four precious girls and a sweet little guy), a wife to a wonderful husband. What am I DOING? I had to retake an Algebra class that I failed ( I was so NOT interested in school that I just never showed for the final ), got an A. I then starting getting into some sciences and absolutely fell in love! I knew that this was where I wanted to be for sure! Something about that microscope just gave me goose bumps!! Just this last semester we were looking at stentors underneath the microscope and as I watched those funny looking little protists gobble each other up and slither from side to side I thought...this is INCREDIBLE! Just look at all there truly is to life! I mean, if you REALLY think about it...how incredible is it that 2 haploid little cells can come together to form 1 diploid zygote, who then grows into a full multi gazzillion celled organism! Wow! ok...I'm getting off topic LOL!

So....here I am, a full time premed student that feels like she's at the very bottom of Mount Everest. I'm looking up at that tall peak thinking to myself " can I REALLY climb to the top" She's definitely something to be respected. Its a journey that I'm learning to be quite the adventure.

So, where do I want to go with all of this? Well, I'm told do NOT decide what type of physician you want to become until your an M3 or M4...so I wont. I'm thinking oncology may just be my calling though. In biology we learned about cancer cell division, the proto-onco genes, etc...and I'm just thinking I'm going to really love that field! I'd particularly love to work in pediatric oncology. I figure I'll just let the doors swing open, and decide which ones to walk through when the time comes. Life's a maze ya know? One door shuts and another opens.

Oh my, I have been quite the chatter box this evening...and its almost time for hubby to wake up. I think I'll check out for the night, but I'll make sure to check in often. I admire you ladies who have kept up with your diaries since 2004! Wow! I hope I'll still be here in the next few years! :) Its got to feel wonderful to look back over that first entry and think to yourself “ wow, look how far I’ve truly come…and I thought I couldn’t do it”
Good night Diary!
Nicole

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13 years 6 months ago #70238 by Nicole W.
Sheesh that was long!!! Dang, why do I let myself ramble like that, it must have been a REALLY peaceful night that night!

I guess things are moving along quite nicely here in the house hold. I told emily to stop huffing and puffing at me like she was this morning and she says " Uh, I have to because I'M THE PRINCESS AND YOUR JUST THE MOMMY"...it must be nice being a princess. umph!

We FINALLY got our house on the market...but ask me if I'm ready for anyone to come look at it. HECK NO! I've got childrens clothing spread from one end to the other upstairs, boxes piled on top of boxes, the garage looks like a tornado went through it...I seriously wish we could just pack what we needed and buy all new stuff once we got there LOL. Isnt that what everyone wishes for? Maybe someone will come in and say " I'll give you 100,000 extra for everything inside it"...I'd walk out with the clothes on my back, the kids and my lap top LOL! As long as I have my lap top...I'm good! WHEW! Moving is ROUGH! Dj's transfer is looking good so far **fingers crossed!** We're just hoping for the best! I got a nice transfer scholorship on top of some others....so thats a plus! I sure hope everything works out ok. My classes start for the fall here in the next couple of weeks, the girls start school in about a week....time flies!

The biology reports are in....I got a B :( **sigh** All I can say is that it must have been a high B, and our system doesnt show B+...which totally stinks! I got one C and a couple of B's on some lecture tests and I think it really blew me out of the water. Lab was perfect, but you know they count together as one grade. It was too fast I think. The summer class just FLEW by and I feel like I ripped myself off for taking it like that. Anyway, better luck next time! I've beat myself up over it enough for the past couple of days...time to blow off steam and prepare for the next one!

pretty soon I wont have these late nights any more. I think I'm starting to like them!
Good night diary!

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13 years 6 months ago #70239 by Nicole W.
I know its been a while, gosh things have just gotten so busy! First off, the girls are back in school! We are finally all starting to settle back into "that" routine and things are finally starting to fall into place. My fall classes started this past week and so far so good with those as well. I actually get excited the week before classes start. I guess I'm wierd. Right now its the ONLY thing thats actually stable!

Dj and I went up to macon last weekend for the dreaded " house hunting " BLAH! It was a nice weekend alone, but I wish we could have just enjoyed the area a little more. We both really like the area. Of course you know that we HAD to drive by the school...and then we had to swing by the medical school *snicker*. I think I'll probably have a hard time finding my way around come January...man that school is HUGE! The medical school is pretty small, but the actual university has several independent colleges. I'm still not totally confident that we found the right one LOL! I know where the medical school is though...lol.

I get these feelings in the pit of my stomach sometimes like " oh I hope were doing the right thing" What if I get there and never get accepted into the medical school? yeah, I can do PA or NP, but those are atlanta schools....and I REALLY dont want to move there! What if I get there and HATE it? What if I feel like my obligations as a mom are being put on the back burner...cant do that :( I'm so scared! I can feel my chest tightening up more and more as the days draw closer to moving. Someone stole the for sale sign out of our yard yesterday (**sigh**), maybe thats a sign that we dont need to go? The market is horrid around here, I'm not even totally sure our house will sell in time. We had pretty much come to the conclusion that we'd just move anyway and rent or something....but I really hate that! Dj's transfer went through, then they took it back. You wonder why I'm feeling all this anxiety? We literally have 5 months before my classes actually start...I'm beginning to wonder if, despite my deepest dreams, hopes and wants, this is all going to work out. **sigh** I pray for some sort of sign, some inkling of hope to keep me going. I'll feel like such a failure if we dont go...not a failure to everyone else, but a failure to myself. I'm not sure that I'd ever be happy doing anything else other than practicing medicine. I sure hope that 5-6 years from now I'll look back at this and laugh. **sigh** anyway, I should go....I have some more sulking and stressing to do before the night is over lol. I promise it wont be so long next time. Our late night chats are really starting to grow on me :)
Good night diary!

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13 years 5 months ago #70240 by Nicole W.
Well dear diary friend....I know I swore it wouldnt be this long again, but things have just been SO DARNED hectic! This one stupid political science class is taking up all of my time, and I hate it! UGH! So anyway, its 11pm here now. After a LONG day of tears and frustration, I decided to take a break after Dj got home. Emily and I went to the fabric store (for sewing when I get a few minutes...it really calms me), Walmart for Tatum's school snacks, and to Chik fil A for a milk shake since emily was so good. it was a really nice outing...I really needed that.
Now for the updates AND the vents! Ok, so you know that they took back hubby's transfer. Well, he got a position at a NEW employer for less money BUT he will hopefully be home more too. Right now he works on ave 65-70 hours a week, and hopefully here he'll be working far less! The problem is...its a pretty large cut in pay! Its not large compared to what his transfer with his current company offered *they pay less up there*, but a cut from what he's making now. With 5 children its hard to take that kind of cut, AND add about 15,000 more a year in tuition! I'm freaking out! I keep praying!!! I almost feel like God is saying " how bad do you want this?" On the other hand I'm thinking " maybe he's telling me this is NOT the way to go"....I could just cry again! I'm more confused than anything at this point! Of course it doesnt help that my mom keeps saying " I'm worried about this" ...ugh!
So anyway, I applied for a larger loan through Mercer to help cover the costs of child care this go round since I know that with hubby's pay cut we wont be paying THAT out of pocket. I get the report back and they DENIED it! I have quite a few scholorships, but they do not pay ALL of the tuition, so I applied for a personal loan to cover the rest, books AND child care. The school only certified enough to cover books and the remainder of the tuition...so what the heck am I supposed to do for child care? Your talking 200.00 a WEEK! ARGGGGHHHHHH! I called the financial aid department and the girl up front said that they should be able to approve the rest with some additinal documentation...but she put me through to my financial aid helper. Of course she wasnt there, so I left a message. Hopefully they will get back with me tomorrow on that. Its a good thing I got started early on that! My goodness!
I'm so scared! With hubby changing jobs completely, there are SO many things to worry about! I still keep thinking...what if nothing works out? I keep praying for God to lead me in some "direction"...and I get this overwhelming feeling like " everything will be ok", and I still feel like this is where I need to be. I guess I keep praying and hoping!
Well, I guess I should go. I do have some more work (and sulking) to do tonight :)

Good night dear diary!

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13 years 5 months ago #70241 by Nicole W.
Hi Diary! things are about the same. The move is at a stand still with our current house not moving on the market, hubby starting his new job in mid october, and us scrambling trying to figure out how we'll make two mortgage payments. I've been complaining a lot lately...I guess the stress is getting to me. I always have homework, the bills are pilling up, hubby is working out his final weeks at the old job, and I'm stressed about everything from homework to health insurance! Its starting to take its toll I think. Of course you know hubby isnt worried about a THING! His motto: " lets just worry about that when it happens"...ok lets do that...UGHHHHHH Just when I felt like I wanted to drive myself off a cliff, I passed this sign on a church billboard. It read: "dont complain with your mouth full"....I thought to myself " God, you sure are a funny guy you"...and from that point on I've tried to keep a positive attitude. I know things will work out, but man why do I have to have all of this stress in the process? **sigh**, it truly feels like its just one thing after another. Things could ALWAYS be worse I guess :)
School is going well though! The funny thing is that the ONLY stable thing we have in our lives right now IS school! I feel like I can get away from everything around me when I bury my nose in a book! I never thought I'd be looking forward to study time! LOL! I guess this could be a good thing! When the going gets tough....the mind does amazing things! Ha! Well, I guess I should run, have to be up in 5 hours to run some school errands for the girls! I promise a longer chat next time!

Good night dear diary!

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