Hi ladies. PGY2 here. IM. (Switched from surgery back in Jan.) Never really considered a blog until I read some this am and decided it's either do this for free....or spend a whopping amount of cash on a shrink! I can't write much at this time...it's 4:30am and I am 15 minutes late getting my butt on the treadmill. See?...trying to fit it all in. I have a 3yo daughter (4 in Nov) and an awesome, supportive husband. Things are great in my life and I am probably the luckiest person I know. I am so darned fortunate and blessed...it's pathetic. So, why do I feel like throwing in the towel???? Okay...must get on treadmill. I will write more later.
I was PM's by someone asking why I'd chosen to quit surgery. The decision was very multi-factorial. I was concerned with the stability of the program, I didn't trust one of the primary residents I'd be working with, the program was presented to me WAY differently than it actually was....and after 1/2 way thru intern year, I realized that although optomism is great... It certainly doesn't translate into reality. What really sealed the deal was some shocking news I received in October of my Intern year. Long-Story-Short...I was a victim of a violent crime and the person got 20 years. Updates I received said he was not scheduled for release until 2014 because he had failed all requirements for rehabilitation and would be mandated to serve his entire sentence. Well...evidently, new laws went into effect and, although he has not met the requirements...he can get out with only 70% of his time served now. That puts him out in FEB 2007!!! We are only 1 county over from his family - which is presumably where he will go when he is released. I expect, when he is released, the dirt to be stirred again and his family to become revenge-ful and angry. For the past 3 years, the threats have ceased...so, I expect to have to deal with all that again. I simply didn't want to spend my last "normal" year and a half in the OR. Plus, I will be getting out of here 2 years sooner now that I changed to IM. So, I may be looking over my shoulder for about 15 months...and making sure the doors are locked 15 times a night....until I am done with residency and we move. None of my attendings know about this situation. None of the surgeons know, either. Telling them would clear up a lot of confusion about my decision to switch...but I'm not sure I want anyone to know about it. Yes, I could always switch residencies....but I'm willing to let this guy affect my life only so much. Leaving my home and making my husband give up a great job because he "might" do something is considered by most of my family members to be super-paranoid. However, it's not them that has to worry. Anyway, that's a little about the story. Yes, you assume the guy knew me at the time of the insult, knew my family, etc..and knows where I am, where I work, etc... If it were some random attack, I would feel relatively confident that he probably wouldn't be able to find me...or even remember my name. But, that's not the case, unfortunately.
So...that's a little dramatic...but that was the driving force behind my decision. When I heard the news in October, I simply started LOOKING for a reason to do a shorter residency. When my surgery program started to appear ill-fitted to me, I jumped on that. Not fair for the program, I admit....but my situation is bigger than that.
Here I am...Just getting off a 36+ hour shift. Yeah, not supposed to happen that way, but it does sometimes. We had a locum doc doing hospitalist work and I am on call this weekend. Not being impressed by him on Friday, I simply couldn't let him be at the hospital all alone today. I had to come in last night about midnight because the intern got into some trouble with several patients. Called me and told me a patient has a SBP of 52!! I ask what he was doing..."nothing yet"....When was this pressure taken?...."about 20 minutes ago"...!!! I decided I'd better get there, because the locum guy made it pretty clear he wasn't coming in during the night. So...I got about 1.5 hours of sleep between 5:30 and 7am. Finally, one of our regulars took over call at 5pm and I felt comfortable going home. Hopefully, I've tucked most people in for the evening and the intern can handle anything that comes his way. I told my attending that after being awake for over 36 hours, I simply could not pull another all-nighter...hoping he'd tell me to sign out and he'd take calls for the night. Nope...he just said "well, call me if you need to"...great. Should be VERY productive for rounding tomorrow if I get called in again tonight! I can't believe it's only Sat. night...feels like it should be Sunday already. We had a patient in septic shock from a perfed gastric ulcer. She's in her 90's. Had surgery. Lactate of 10 to start! This morning, I had her down to just over 2. I was very proud of myself. The surgeon came in and said "geez, I can't believe you really kept her alive all night!". (he'd given the family a less than 5% chance she'd survive). Not out of the wood yet, but certainly improving. Then, our locum came in and noticed all the fluid I'd given her overnight (about 3 liters) and GAVE HER LASIX!!! Lungs were CLEAR!!! :confused: Thankfully, her pressure held today despite the diuresis. Then, we had a patient who the locum told could go home...when he KNEW her sputum came back with MRSA that was resistant to the antibiotic she'd been on. He switched her abx and then left...leaving it up to me to go tell her and her family that she'd be staying. Oh well...it's nights like that when I learn the most. Okay, I need to get some sleep before I have to go back in. I just keep telling myself that I don't have to do another weekend call for 5 weeks....I just need to get thru another 36 hours!!! Take care, everyone.
Hubby's family came into town...there goes my relaxing weekend. They have 2 kids. One is the age of my daughter and one is about 9 months. I took yesterday (Friday) off. I think I may actually be caught up on my sleep!!! My attending is away next week, taking his family on vacation. So.....I think I may hang out in the OR for a few cases. I also need to fill out my apps for moonlighting....they are about 30 pages long each. My husband said he'd help me fill them out!!!(whatever it takes for extra cash!) I need to finish my logs from internship...ug. Going out tonight for a while. Dinner and maybe a movie. Hubby is in the doghouse for somethings...so I may make him sit thru Devil Wears Prada...haven't decided yet.
Just received the call schedule thru the end of January. I purposely scheduled a "light" month for December so I would have Christmas off (it's a specialty clinic month = closed on Christmas). And so my husband could go and do whatever hunting trips he wanted to do. I don't have to work Christmas, but I did get the ENTIRE weekend prior. FRI, SAT, and SUN (christmas eve). That will suck. Oh well. The problem is that leaves NO time to travel for Christmas, and our house is really too small to house the family if they come here. (We just tried that this weekend with the BIL AND SIL and 2 nephews...TOO SMALL!!!) Residency sucks.
I just want a NORMAL LIFE!!! Looking back, I can't see why being a checker at walmart or flipping burgers looked so bad to me. I can't really remember why 8-4 bored me so badly when I was teaching. Last night, we were watching a movie and the thing at the beginning came on that said it's against the law to copy movies and stuff...punishable by up to 3 years in prison. My SIL said that was a steep punishment. I was sitting there thinking prison time = vacation!
I registered for a marathon with my SIL about 6 months ago....I think she's going to back out on me. Keeps making references to her knee hurting. The problem...we are in the midwest and the race is in San Francisco. So, I guess I won't make any travel plans any time soon. She was all excited when I first asked her to do it. The other problem - the race registration is closed = I can't get anyone else to go with me. I guess if I don't go, I'm only out 100 bucks, assuming she is still going to pay me for her registration. She said she'd still go but just not run...woohoo...run by myself! If she already knows she isn't going, I wish she'd just say so. It's not going to upset me, because there are 2-3 other ones I could choose between in that time frame that are way closer to home and I wouldn't have to spend so much money on expenses. Just frustrated I guess. Okay, I guess I should get some work done.
I am cutting/pasting something I wrote on another thread regarding how my 3yo daughter and I have been interacting lately...
We do have quality time. We even hit the sack together more times than not and lie in my bed and talk and cuddle...it's my favorite part of the day. The problem comes when it's time to discipline. She turns into a little monster in less than a second. We can be having a great time and I say - okay, time to put up your crayons so you can take a bath...that's all it takes and my sweet little girl becomes a total brat.
The past few days have been good. I didn't work this weekend and have had a light week so far, so I've been able to pick her up and hang out in the evenings.
You know, I see all the gals on here asking about the best time to have children is...I've got to say that things have only gotten harder for me. With every phase, I've said ...oh, when she's X(age), things will be easier because she will be able to (dress herself, use the toilet, feed herself, play on her own). However, with each advancement, her personality also changes, as does her curiosity with things. So, even though she is pretty much on her own for most things - dressing herself, going potty, feeding herself - she has become "demanding" (sounds bad, but I don't mean it badly at all) in other areas. She wants to KNOW about everything and doesn't stop asking questions until she's satisfied. She wants to physically do more things. She swims about every night. So, even though she doesn't need me for the ultimate necessities, she needs me differently now. Also, since she's the only child, she wants me to play with her non-stop when I'm home...which I LOVE doing, but it's difficult when I need to read, prepare presentations, etc... Also, I WANT to be present for the fun stuff. I WANT to watch her swimming lessons. I WANT to go to the golf course with her and daddy. However, I also WANT to be the best resident I can be and go as far as I can go. Choosing between her and my career happens ALL THE TIME. Fortunately, her dad is so great with her and spends so much time with her when I can't. The older she gets, the funner she is and I don't want to miss a second of it. The problem is that I truly love both aspects of my life. Of course, she comes first...but I really do like being at the hospital. Yes, having a kid in med school isn't really all that big of a deal. Bottom line, you don't have to attend ALL the classes. I had her in Nov of my 2nd year. Things were GREAT. She'd go to a sitter (once she was about 4 months old) for about 2 hours a day while I chose what classed I'd attend. I read while she slept. I was able to exclusively nurse/pump for a total of 5 months. However, once rotations start...then residency..things become harder. Then you really have responsibilites and you HAVE to be there...just when the little turkey is getting fun! I don't see how women have 2,3,4 kids during residency...I honestly can't imagine my time being spit into any more directions. I suppose if I were a "naturally" smart person who soaked things up easily...maybe it would be better - but, I'm not. I have to study and write things out and read..then re-read..etc. I know women at my hospital who simply handed over full parental responsibilty to dad - who stayed home. I can't do that. So, I'm trying my best to DO my best at both...and it's completely exhausting. No, I am not a perfectionist at home, but I am at work. (Selective Type-A, I suppose). I let my house go, I let dishes pile up. Hubby does most of the laundry. So, it's not that I'm trying to be super-woman. I just wish I had less demand on me from work so I could be with my kid. And this comes from someone who switched from doing surgery to IM! My life was supposed to get easier!!!!!
I've gone off the subject here...but the thoughts kept coming, so I kept typing.
I'm going to cut/paste this on my blog too.
Thanks for listening, ladies. No one around me understands any of this stuff at all. The only other female resident at my hospital is single and is doing FP. Hubby tries the best he can, but only the people who actually go thru it understand the demands, the pressure and the frustration with all of this.