Hello. I have been a member here for about a year, but not very frequent. I have had some big struggles and I feel I can "re-start" my life again. I feel I need a place to keep track of my thoughts and feelings and no better place then here, where there are people who will understand me, offer me the best advice and gain information about my dreams.
So here's a bit about me. I am from a very old fashion family (mom stay at home, maybe work part time and dad is the bread winner). Call me the ugly duckling but this is not the lifestyle I want. I am 26 and for the last 4-5 yrs I have been lead and influenced by those around me. I began working as an EMT at the age of 19 on an ambulance and here and there in the ER. This was the start of my passion for medicine. I worked so much I didn't have time for school. Then, I met this guy, got pregnant at the age of 21 only 3 mo. of dating him and got married for this reason. Needless to say I have been through blood sweat and many tears from emotional abuse, near physical and being controlled and caged up. I felt like a piece of clay that everyone wanted to get their hands on to mold in into what they though I should be. I finally lost it, started making bad choices (nothing like drugs or anything) and didn't take anything seriously (including myself). Deep down I felt mislead and lost. I knew that I wasn't doing what I have been put on this earth to do. So I finally did something about it. I enrolled in paramedic school. It was a step for me. I didn't get anyone's permission. In fact, I didn't even tell anyone! (Boy I heard it from my family and husband) But I all of a sudden felt a little fire inside of me. I am very outgoing, social and personable. I function well when I have a full plate. It is hard to keep me down. The downfall of this is I don't when to chill out and take some time for me. Paramedic school confirmed my desire to be a doctor. The more I learned, the bigger the drive. I was alomost obsessed with knowledge. This really upset my husband. I'm not sure if he felt threatened or jealous. Now I did give him plenty of attention, always kept a good house and took good care of my daughter. He continued to get worse. He was so hurtful in so many ways, abusing me with his words (in front of our daugther too). He would get very violent. He would lie to my family and tell them I was being a bad wife and mother, which made things even worse for me. So in December of 2005, I had it. Regardless of what would happen, I wanted out. I served him with divorce papers. It has been a nasty process, but it is finally over. Things are complete as of July of this year. I have custody of my little girl. His true colors finally came out to my family and they can see what I was going through. I feel stronger now bc of it.
Here I am. I have my own home, I work as a full time paramedic and happy...did I mention happy? I am so turned on to the idea that my life has hope now. After some long nights of thinking and considering I am going to go to medical school and that's that. But with this choice comes some problems (not as bad as before though). My family (mainly my mom) is still set in there ways of tradition. I mention that I want to go back to school and they freak! So I haven't even said anyting about medical school. They know that I wanted to from before (during paramedic school, while I was still married). These are my dreams, my passions, and I know who I am for the first time in years.
This is reality. I have no college under my belt, I am older then the average student and I am a single mom. I live in CA and the schools are very competitive...but so am I!!!! I got not so good grades in HS (bc of family problems). There is no way I can attend medical school outside of CA. There are 8 schools in this state, all which I would like to attend. There is not a minute of the day that goes by when I don't think about medicine. When I bring in a patient to the ER. I speak with the ER docs and run differential diagnosis with them. I follow up and see what the labs found, what they found. I try my best within my scope of practice to help these people, even if there really isn't a medical problem and all they needed was something to eat and they knew that they could get a sandwhich in the hospital. I treat them the same. I will stick around after shift to see how my stroke patient from earlier is doing. What the CT found. I can't get enough!! I have established a couple good relationships with the the ER docs and they have been very encouraging. They trust my treatments and I feel like an equal, not just some dumb paramedic who hates their job. Ok I have gotten a bit carried away, but I am so passionate about medicine and helping people.
So, I end this (novel?) with this. Starting this summer, I am going back to school. I know that there will be stuggles, hardships and confusion but I am ok with it. What I need now is support bc I unfortunately don't get it from those aroud me (family). I have a couple friends but they don't share the same passion or they aren't in my situation with my past. I can't wait to know more. I am looking for people who can give me good advice and information and supply resources that will help guide me to making the right choices. Well, I am done. Finally!! Sorry so long, just needed a place to start. I look foward to hearing what all of you have to say.
I think the last two weeks finally got the best of me. I have been working over 80 hrs/wk on the ambulance switching between night shifts to day shifts to 24 hr shifts with hardly any time between to sleep. I have my daughter thursdays through sundays but unfortunately I have to work during those days. I have friends that will come stay at my house during the nights I work, but I stay up all day to spend time with my daugther. When I work 24 hr shifts I drive her an hour to stay with my mom or if her dad is available, he takes her. Sometimes I miss her so much I can vision myself just giving everything up that second and walking out of my job. I cry inside thinking about that precious life I am responsible for raising and teaching. Then I think, "gee, and I don't even get a lot of time to do that". It hurts so bad. So, saturday I went to work at 6am and I was off at 6pm. Up to this day, I have already put in 5 days. I miss my little girl, I miss my home which also needs attention and me? Ha, that would be nice wouldn't it! My alarm went off at 4:30am and I felt like I had been ran over by a train. I got to bed the night before at 12:00 (not by choice-working), and didn't sleep well on top of it. I hit the snooze until 5:00 and realized I better hurry. I made it to the kitchen, started the coffee and jumped in the shower. Its a good thing I had to hurry b/c I probably would've fell asleep in the warm water! Two cups of coffee later I am pulling up to work, still asleep and started my shift. I got to a station, got an hour nap and started running calls. I felt so weak and fatigued I could barely drive!! Keeping my arms up to hold the wheel was a task. I was thinking, "this is not good for me to be this run down...what's wrong with me?" Every little thing I did made me short of breath, my head was pounding and driving 5 minutes made my head bob. My partner was concerned and suggested I go home. "I can't go home! I need the money-can't afford to loose time at work!" He and I are friends so he already has a knowledge of what my life entails. So around 10:30am, he says if I don't go home, he is going to send me home and call dispatch and make some reason up why I can't be working. I was really mad at first, but I took a second, and began to cry. I had no idea I was so exhausted. He took me in the bathroom, showed myself to me and I realized how much I needed to be home. No make-up could make my face look awake w/no dark circles around my eyes. So I found someone to cover for me. I left at noon. Then, my mom calls and says that she is on her way down to where I live with my daughter to do some shopping so I wouldn't have to drive to go pick her up. What a relief that was. So I got my little girl and went home. About 30 min. after I got home I remembered I was tired (trying to fight it, drink more coffee, I have my daughter have to stay awake). So I took her to bed with me and lucky me she fell asleep. She is not one to take a nap! We actually slept almost 4 hrs!! I woke up feeling great. However, all the coffee I drank earlier dehydrated me so I downed some water-4 bottles to be exact. An hour later I felt so much better. I only had one day off (sunday, today) and then I go back to work monday night. I have take care of a bunch of stuff during the day on monday plus my daughter's dad has her monday and tuesday. Now I am seeing somebody who really cares about me and my well being. He is always trying to get me to chill out and take some time to relax. He has even gone so far as to put gas in my car and through me some cash here and there just so I can take a day off and not worry about finances. So he came through again and wanted to spend sometime with me monday night (which is usually the only night we get to see each other, but I have been working those days for a few weeks now). I was able to find someone to work my shift monday night. I know I will enjoy these days off. By body couldn't take anymore!
So the rest of me week goes somthing like this:
-Go to work tuesday night at 5pm, off at 5am.
-Go home, shower, change and pick my daugther up from her dads at 7am and drive her to school (which is about an hr away)
-While she is in school, I am going to take care of some court stuff (with the divorce arangements) maybe get a nap in and pick her up at noon.
-I will stay up at my moms with my daughter until about 3pm then I have to leave her there and drive home and be to work at 5pm again.
-When I get off at 5am, I have to drive an hour away to another station and began a 24hr shift at 7am
-I get off at 7am on friday, go home, get a couple hours of sleep then pack.
Yes pack...my boyfriend is taking me to Monterey for the weekend! I am so excited. I haven't had a vacation or taken a brake for a good year or so. But I feel so guilty not seeing my daughter for 3 days!! We leave friday and come back sunday. I don't even get to see her monday or tuesday b/c those are the days with her dad. Ah!! Is this a good idea? Maybe I can talk her dad into trading a couple days with me so I can see her as soon as I get back. Well, good luck to me since he could care less.
Ok...I am pretty happy right now. I finally sat my mom down (in front of our pastor/councelor) and let her have the news. I said "mom, I am going to medical school and nothing is going to stop me or change how I feel!" Lets just say it set her back a second...Then it came. All her reasons why it is a bad idea, that I don't know what I am getting myself into. Went on and on to the pastor about all the reasons not to go and all the things that could go wrong. I started to cry. Why doesn't she understand my passion for medicine? Then the pastor replied... JoAnn (my mom), I am going to have to go with Trish (me) on this one. I am so pleased and happy that someone like her, being what she has gone through, still has the passiona and motivation to achieve her goals. How easily would one of us be knocked down and loose site of what is important and meaning to us (outside family). I was so excited. So after some tears, sharing of feelings and lots of hugs, my mom finally supports me!! Well, gotta go.
Why does it seem like just when things are on the rise (going well) something happens to mess it all up!!! :bigmouth: One of my co-workers has a band he plays in. I also went to high school with him so we are pretty good buds. He was playing at a local place last night and I have never heard him play. So I talked with my cousin and his wife and they said they would be happy to come over and watch my daugther for an hour or two (I didn't want to be gone long b/c I missed my little girl). Well, when my daughter was saying goodnight to her dad on the phone, she told him that they were coming over. When he asked me why I told him I was going out for a bit and they were watching her. He blew up, got really mad and started threatening me that if my cousin comes over to my house I am going to be in trouble. Ok, since when does my ex husband have control over what I do? (One reason for the divorce!) Basically, he doesn't like my cousin for personal reasons, and he didn't want him watching our daughter. I came back with getting a stranger that baby sits would be better? He said no, that won't happen either. This so isn't fair! I am supposed to never have a baby sitter?? It's not like he ever helps. Plus, when I work, I drive my daughter an hour away to my moms-that would be silly for a couple hours. Anyway, after all that, my boyfriend showed up at my house to pick me up. My cousin and his wife were here. I explained to them what happened, and they don't worry, everything will be fine just go and have a good time. I thanked them and went on my way. Oh, they also had their 3 yr old son and 3 month old daugther with them too. Well, I get a phone call from my cousin saying his wife is freaking out bc someone is trying to kick in my door and that the cops are on their way to my house. I went crazy!! We took off and hurried home. Well, I get another call from my cousin (who wasn't at the house) that it was my ex and he wasn't threatening her to open the door or else she will be sorry. I get a call from my ex sreaming at me in a rage. He had officially lost it! I was so scared. Well, he called back and said he was leaving and that I better be prepared for whats going to happen to me. I saw the cop cars turn down my road and we were right behind them. My cousin's wife came out of the house crying and shaking. The kids were ok and sleeping. Well, after explaining this to the cops, showing them the court order they were upset. They assured me that I was in no fault and that he was in trouble. I also mentioned that he worked for the sheriffs department and they really got mad. They immediately got his number, I told them where he lived and they also told me they would be speaking with his supervisor at the department. So, I now have a huge battle against me. My ex will probably loose his job over this and might not get to see his daughter much anymore. The cops also told me I now have probable cause to get a restraining order against him. However, in the midst of all this, I managed to stay calm, I didn't stress too much and I almost want to laugh. This is probably signs of a nervous breakdown brewing inside me, I just might loose it, but hey-whatever. LOL I want so much to be at peace with my life, get my schooling down, have a happy life. I am struggling, but I will NEVER let something or someone get in my way of fullfilling my dreams or accomplishing my goals. It's really tough and I want to just give up sometimes, but I can do this. I can do this, I can do this!