To begin ,i am a medical graduate who never got into residency .Reasons were complicated and actually after many years ,i realized it was not the lack of determination that kept me down .
I have to take boards and start all over again to in order to get into residency .
Actually ,i joined an online study group and am making some progress .But obviously ,i have issues which sidetrack me now and then .I have realized ,the only way out of this situation is to get into residency and be independent .
I am married ,have 2 adorable daughters .They are the reason i can smile my way through the adversity .They are my hope for better future .They give me strength and determination to be self sufficient for them if not for myself .
I recently realized that all the verbal outbursts of anger portrayed by my spouse were way more than anger.It's called Verbal Abuse .
I was really taken aback when i called national hotline one day after another dog attack .I was so down and just wanted to talk to someone other than my family .I explained to her the situation and she assured me it's verbal abuse .I could never believe that i could be the victim of verbal abuse .I have been a strong personality all my life .I really would stand up against any kind of injustice without fear .
How did i ,of all the people ,become a victim of verbal abuse .
It's hard to believe and digest ,yet i know it's true .
She's right .Sometimes,you just want to look at your life through rose tainted glasses.You want to believe your life is perfect .You don't want to acknowledge the problems .You think that his outbursts of anger are related to stress and work .You will make up excuses to convince your heart that he did not mean to .How could he ? Obviously everything falls back to normal until one day he flips again over insignificant things like forgetting cell phone at home .
Then comes the next game .If only you would not provoke me by forgetting your cell phone ,i wouldn't have screamed and yelled in front of the kids .
I thought maybe it's anger issue .The hot line lady said if it was anger,he would not be able to control it in the store .He would burst right there but he always waits until we get into the car or we are alone at home.
Now ,the next step is to find some counselor who recognizes verbal abuse and be able to treat .I am still in midst of prep for usmle step 1 which i wouldn't give up because i need to be independent in order to protect children better .
Actually , i read somewhere that keeping a daily log would help me recognize behavior patterns and help me figure this situation better .
So ,here i am .I sure hope it would help me and aslo others who read the journal to recognize someone else in their lives with similar issues .
Well ,there were incidents now and then for all the seven years (going to be seven in coming august) of my marriage .He is one of those guys whom your family adores for being nice and kind ,who never even expresses anger in front of anyone else .when guests come home ,he will make sure their needs are taken care of even getting their favorite cereal for them .
My family -parents,cousins believe him to a kind person.That is why it took me so long to realize there even was a problem .Then i thought maybe it's just me .I am imagining things .I am not perfect either ,you know .
But recently ,i realized i have never felt so worthless in my life .Especially when last monday he had a sudden outburst i the car while kids were in the backseat .My elder daughter 5,started crying .Even one year old was shaken up a bit .
I had been cleaning the basement that day cause it's been atleast a year since we got rid of boxes and basically cleaned it .I think i had to come up many times to ask him if he needed to keep certain boxes or books before i dicard and donate few things .We had appt for passport that afternoon .I came upstairs ,got ready .He went upstairs ,took shower ,got ready .We had only 10 mn left to make it to the library .On the way to the library ,he said he had forgotten to put the pictures in the package .so, he asked me to call the libarray and let them know we will be late .To make long story short,the libarian said that we have to change the appt .I left the phone and he yelled at the top of his lungs .'You had clean the basement today '.Because of you , it all happened .
I don't understand how my cleaning the basement would lead to him not being able to put pictures in the package .He yelled and yelled ,called names ,kids were frightened .I was telling him to stop .
No apologies later .Nothing .He didn't even want to talk about it .When confronted,he said why is it so important for me to be always right .Why is it always his fault .
I was shocked but you know i slowly tried to resume life and do things everyday the way we did.I felt terrible inside .I knew then that either i am crazy or their is something else.
Then , one afternoon ,my brother calls .They live far away .Well, he was in some kind of limbo on some personal relationship basically was having hard time deciding between 2 equally wonderful prospective matches
I asked my spouse what would you do if you were in his shoes .
he said he will marry them both .Keep one for home and one to take outside with him .He went on with this and said maybe i should give an ad in the newspaper and find one more for myself .This all happened in the front of my 5 yr old .
She said " How can i have 2 moms?
I said :No honey !When dad gets another one ,me and i won't be together anymore .
He found it offensive and said that i had no consideration for the fact that i am saying hurtful thing to my child while explaining that .It was just a joke .You have no sense of humor !
Your mommy really doesn't know what joke is .She takes everything seriously .
Later, i said why would you do that ?
He said that i shouldn't involve him in any of my family matters and shouldn't have asked for his advice .
I still didn't get any of it .Then again,after it happens ,he continues life as it is normal and i keep lingering around slightly depressed,confused and hurt
A letter to my husband
It would be much easier to imagine life without the apparent situations that have cropped up in the past .Hard work never intimidates me. The thought that my kids will eventually pay the price for my pursuing my goals is quite discouraging .I have realized though, no matter how perfect I try to make the life, the imperfections are going to linger on .The change which my children and I hope for ,cannot come without a complete commitment from each member to be selfless in the love they give in the family .There is no greater peace than the one you can achieve when you give more than you take .You might be tired and weary ,you might have slept less than you need ,but your heart will be in a peaceful place.
My heart is not at peace .As I think back, I have many regrets .Too many if’s .If only I was a little more vigilant; if only I had not put all my trust in this relationship.
It’s easy to close my eyes and go deaf and blind .Pretend it never happened or refuse to acknowledge the possibility that I might happen again .We are all going to be one happy family. Wasn’t that where we begin or at least I thought we were .I believe humans make mistakes and given their strong will and determination, they can achieve anything their heart truly desires .But ,the question is ,does your heart really feel the pain and truly desires a change .Change cannot come if you have to bring it around as a compromise .Then it’s nothing more than a superficial mask or a show you put up to make others comfortable with your presence .But ,someday when your defenses are down, that mask will come off and you will find the same person again .That would scrape the old wounds, and the hurt would be worst than before .Because , people around would feel not just betrayed but foolish to have trusted again ,to have loved again and be betrayed again .
You have to conceive in your heart to bring a change .Each step towards being a better you would be hard .You will have to renew your vows every day ,maybe remind yourself every second what you have and what it means to you.
If what you have is not what you wanted, then this is the time when you decide that life doesn’t look like I imagined it to be .I wanted something else, something more for myself .I was not ready for being so selfless and giving .I am not ready to give up all my pleasures to pursue someone else’s model of happiness. If this is how you feel ,then moving on would be courageous .You save other people from further hurt and betrayal .In a way, you have thought it over and decided that next fifty years of life have to be different and resemble me .So I don’t have to wear a mask everyday and pretend to be someone else .I don’t have to change for someone else .You will go through a temporary phase of loneliness, maybe will feel a little out of place but you will recover .And maybe ,even discover true you .If that is you , think as if you are saving others from the hurt that is to come .They will acknowledge it and respect your decision .
But, if you decide to stay, the only reason would be, that you truly in your heart believe that this place looks like home .And, although, you never really felt quite at peace here before, you think things could be very different. True peace is only achieved when you earn someone’s true affections. I can go on a selfish pursuit of my needs but no matter how much I pursue, my desires will farther than I can reach .When you are selfless and giving, you find much more peace and tranquility than you ever asked for. A true smile on my child’s face weighs way more than all the wealth combined .And, although fake smiles are so easy to put on, a true smile takes lot of work .But, it is extremely rewarding and sets your soul free.
Whatever you decide, decide it from your heart .We are looking for a true soul and not a look alike. We are searching for true answers not false hopes. We are looking for a permanent result, not a temporary resolution. And, by deciding honestly, for the first time, you will put the needs of others in front of you even if you decide to leave .As you will save all of us the heartbreak that will come maybe in years from now.
May God give you the courage to decide from your heart .