I decided to start this diary because I got sick of trying to journal into my palm pilot. A little history- my DH and I are both 31 and have been together for seven years. I am an FP and he is a pathology resident. we have been trying to conceive for over 15 months. we did two months of clomid and then went to an RE. We then did a month of clomid, repronex and IUI. We got our miracle on Dec 27 with a + HPT. Everything was looking good. Our betas were doubling and our first U/S was good. Then on Jan 25 my whole world stopped. Out eight week u/s . The baby had shrunk and its heart had stopped beating. Even writing those words takes my breath away. I had to have a D/C the next day. Tomorrow will be a week since I found out that our baby had died. It still seems like bad dream. I was lucky in that my mother dropped everything and flew out here from NJ to be with me. My husband had to go back to work so she tried to keep my mind off of it. I told my husband I feel like someone has dropped me into a black hole and there is no air, no light and no way out. The pain is so real, I can almost touch it. It just seems cruel. I have so many patients who don't want babies, yet can have six easily. We spend over a year trying and then it is taken away. I keep thinking that I did something or it is my fault. I think coming back to work was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The look of pity and sadness on everyones face sucks.Thank god for sleeping pills.
Last night was the first night I was able to fall asleep without Sonata since the miscarriage. I don't think I feel much better, but I saw 33 patients in the office, rounded at both the hospital and nursing home and I think I was just plain exhausted. Thank heavens today is my day off and all I have to do is round at the hospital.
People keep saying " oh but you were only a few weeks pregnant, it shouldn't be that bad" Bull. We had been trying for this baby for a year and a half. All that heartache was erased with that positive pregnancy test. I told my husband I feel like I trained for a marathon , then ran it and won only to be disqualified for something I had no control over. And oh yeah you get to train and run the marathon again. Infertility makes me feel like a hamster on a wheel. I've got to keep running , but I'm really not going anywhere.
I just got a call from a close friend who was so excited to tell me she was pregnant. She has the same due date that i had. That was a knife to my heart. I congratulated her and hung up and I am still crying. What exactly have I done to deserve this torture?
Today is the 1 week anniversary of my D/C. Not exactly a good memory. I think I may need that sonata tonight. Thank heavens the rep likes me. I have been snappy with my husband and I feel so bad. It isn't his fault. He just happens to be there and my anger at all that has happened gets directed at him. I gave him a thank you card yesterday for being so sweet and then I yelled at him. Poor guy! I must be driving him crazy. It is just amazing to think that a little over a week ago I was still happy and thinking I was going to be someone's mom.
Well I think I have entered into the angry stage of my grief. I am so angry at everyone, women who are pregnant, women who have children and pretty much everyone else. It is starting to take it's toll at work. I am snappy at work with my patients and staff. I don't know how to control it. I did make an appointment to see the bereavment counselor at the RE's office. I used to have the patience I needed, now I have none. I feel like a very different person now and I am not sure how to get back to me.
I got a private message yesterday that said something that made me feel better. She said I was still a mom even though I had lost my baby. I get the feeling that people think it wasn't real or far enough along to matter. It mattered to me and to me it was already my baby. I was already protective and yes I was it's mom. Having someone tell you that makes me feel like I am justified in my sadness. I have lost a family member. If I had lost an older child no one would expect me to come back to work and act like nothing had happened.
Thank heavens for exercise. It is keeping me grounded and for an hour I am able to sweat away my pain. I put on the IPOD and play the loudest rock songs I can and nothing sad. The running seems to be therapeutic. I will have one heck of a body by the time I get through this.